User:Sockpuppet of an unregistered user/Materials widely regarded as inappropriate for the construction of soft furnishings

Making your own soft furnishings can be a rewarding pastime, and is particularly suitable for filling the hole left in your life by unemployment, the death of your pet weasel (see below), or realising that both your legs have been huffed by a kitten.

However, it is vital that certain materials are avoided. Last year, more than three thousand incidents of embarrassment were caused by the use of inappropriate materials in the amateur construction of soft furnishings in the United States, and there may have been a few in Unamerica as well.

Inappropriate due to lack of softness

Live Tortoises

Although soft in places, these will tend to retract into their shells when used as cushions or bean bags, rendering them insufficiently soft and hence inappropriate for use as soft furnishings. Also they can move and reproduce at will, which most people do not consider desirable characteristics of furniture.

Metal

Not generally soft. Chain mail can be used for pillow cases and ethnic rugs, giving the illusion of softness, but it tends to attract leather masters and should therefore be avoided.

Inappropriate for reasons of odour or social impropriety

Bags of dead weasels

Especially if no attempt has been made to preserve the corpses. Sealing the bags may provide a temporary solution, but a build-up of noxious gases may occur, causing the bag to burst. Imagine your embarrassment when your mother in law is sitting there, admiring your new cushions when, all of a sudden, one of them bursts and she is showered with damp weasel parts. I can assure you from personal experience: your wife may be impressed by your creativity in making your own cushions, but she will not find the showering of her mother with rodents' entrails amusing.

You will not get any for a fortnight.

Using less pungent animals such as squirrels will maybe get it down to 12 days, at best. Believe me, you don't want to go there.

Jib's snuff(or energy packets)

Beware the little radioactive packets that, are capable of killing unsuspecting victims. it can kill all those who destroy it.

Goose Semen

Tragically deformed chicken-cushion hybrid

It can be tempting to use goose semen as an affordable substitute for lard oil to lend a festive sparkle to cushions and throws during the holiday season. However, this is a false economy which should be avoided at all costs.

Anyone who has encountered the results of cross-breeding poultry with furniture will be aware of the potential consequences.

Cats

Have you ever tried to use a squirming sofa? A squirming pillow? Felines are entirely inappropriate for the construction of soft furnishings, as they tend to scratch or bite when not confined and to suffocate when confined. And that's just cruel. You wouldn't want to die, would you? Because other cats may come after you when they find the dead bodies of their cousins in your sofa. You don't want to be responsible for unleashing feline fury upon your household.