User:Shedtroll/HowTo:deal with being on fire

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Being on fire is not a pleasent experience for most people. It's warm, uncomfortable and generally not nice. After a while you may die, but fret not dear fellow! Here is your guide to being on fire.

Am I on fire?[edit | edit source]

Being on fire can easily be mistaken for many things like being a volcano or being incredibly warm. So look for these symtoms.

  • Are your hands on fire/badly damaged/gone?
  • Are you in pain?
  • Are you worringly warm?
  • Is everyone looking at you in horror (as if you are the elephant man)?
  • Are you screaming?
  • Are you being sprayed with carbon dioxide and/or water?
  • Are you running around in circles?

If you match All, if not most of these criteria, you are indeed on fire.

oh fuck, OH FUCK, OH FUCK, WHY AM I ON FIRE??!!![edit | edit source]

David Collingfield, Head of the Burning people society

This is indeed a very good question. Have you for example:

  • Been playing with fire?
  • Been dancing in coldoroy?
  • Been attempting to find the meaning of life by mixing petrol and fire (two of the greatest things known to man)?
  • Been attempting to gain superpowers?
  • Been juggling candles?
  • Swimming in petrol at a fire convention.
  • Been on fire in the past?

Well, it is well known that most clothing is made of cotton, which is not fire resistant. Your clothes must have caught fire. But threat not, there is a future for you.

OH MY GOD WHAT DO I DO?[edit | edit source]

There are many mistruths about fire, like the fact that jumping in water or rolling on the floor can 'cure' being on fire. This nis not the case. Being on fire is a condition, not a illness.

You may have suspected yourself of being on fire before relising it fully, the fact everybody looks at you with a look of horror reserved only for the worst things on the face of this good earth. But there are support groups for people like you.

Some organisations to contact include your local burning people anonymous group, where people on fire come together to talk about being on fire.

Will I live a full life?[edit | edit source]

Of course! I have been on fire for a good 22 years now and am as fit as a fiddle. Famous people who are on fire include:

  • George Orwell
  • David Tennant
  • Patrick Stewart
  • Sarah Jessica Parker
  • Leonardo Da Vinci.
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