User:Shadow Scythe/Clamburger

That thing is certain to frighten some small children. Excuse me while I fulfil this inevitable task.

Clamburgers are terribly disgusting food-related wads of gross that were probably invented by Australians. Since the construction of the three original Clamburgers in the mid-1800's, they have evolved into living creatures that prowl the earth in search of the will to live.

These notorious mutations take pride in hiding under rocks, discarded piles of Valentine's Day gifts, and manifestations of stupid internet fads. As an unsuspecting passer-by passes by, they tend to jump out of their hiding place, screaming "CLAMBURGER SURPRISE!!!" and producing a pie out of hammerspace, inserting it carefully into the victim's back, around their spine, through their stomach wall, and into their pancreas/arteries/liver/other vital organs nearby.

History

Austrialians first created the three Clamburgers (Dewey, Emmy, and Carol) to retaliate against the Atlanteans in World War 0.00001. These fiendish foes (Who are not of an Australian-bordering ocean?) had previously set up and detonated millions of spyware bombs in Australia's capital city, New York. However, the cunning pirates who stole the first desktop computer from the Atlanteans had not been born yet, so Australia was unaffected. Although the Australians had no idea what spyware was, they were aware of the hostile nature of the attack, and had no choice but to retaliate. Thus, the clamburgers were born.

These clamburgers were armed with the latest desktop computer technology. (O DER WE HAVE AN INCONSISTANCY) Their programming dictated their only purpose in life: swallow the Atlanteans whole. They were shipped off to Atlantis on the SS This Is Not In Any Way Similar To The Trojan Horse Story. However, after the ship arrived directly above the Atlantean capital, captain George Lucas realized that there was no way to plunge into the ocean without drowning. Naturally, he was starting to get hungry. After attempting to eat one of the clamburgers, Carol, he simultaneously died from getting beat down by the two others and due to a chemical reaction with the digesting clamburger and his stomach acid causing him to catch fire somehow. George's funeral lasted five weeks, as the clamburgers had nothing else to do.

The Dewey and Emmy were quite bored now, so they huddled together to come up with a new plan of action. Their only chance of getting out of there was to either steer the ship back, or to see if they could swim. Emmy tested out the second idea by tossing Dewey overboard. Unfortunately for Emmy, Dewey floated. Enraged, the floating clamburger started gnawing on the wooden structure of the boat until it sunk. Dewey was then struck on the head by a falling piece of timber and he died. Emmy swam over to the dead body and cried tears of sorrow. The tears brought Dewey back to life AS A SELF-CLONING ZOMBIE CLAM OH SNAPS so Dewey ate Emmy for no raisin and thus ambled back to dry land. He ended up in South Carolina, and by then he had self-cloned about fifty times.

Influence

Unbeknowest to dumb, censorship-favouring historians, clamburgers are the leading cause of poverty, ocean-floor spreading, your head a splode, World War II, and the environment, which is a problem, depite the rants of communist hippies. Everyone else agrees that the environment is getting too healthy and must be stopped. Clamburgers don't even taste that good, and they have sort of a rubbery, hurty texture. Bleeeuurgh....