User:Shabidoo/happymonkeycompetition/2013/Cat the Colourful
Pee reviews for: Cat the Colourful
Article: User:Cat_the_Colourful/Robot_Unicorn_Attack
Pee Review from Shabidoo
| Creativity: | 8/10 |
There is certainly no shortage of creativity. I particularily like the earth being turned into a spaceship idea. An entire article could be written about that! Talking about the minimalistic controls and limited choice was nice. Mentioning variations like Christmas robot unicorn attack...also creative! There are dozens of interesting ideas here...and lots of places to go. Spend time time time on this article and develop the ideas further than a few sentences before the next idea and you can harness all of your creativity...putting it into a great article. |
| Originality: | 5.5/10 |
You've added some good ideas to the standard article...however it seems more like the copy of a wikipedia article mixed with a guy talking about how stupid the article is...which while might be a good format for an article...is not extra original. |
| Humour: | 5.5/10 |
As multiliteralists said...there are moments where there are chuckles. Though I would say with only the slightest modifications you can probably strengthen the jokes. For instance..."a dick on its head" could be softened a little with "a curious fallic like fallis" to be less explicit or to bash the reader over the head "a second penis located on its forhead" which sounds more absurd. I think you can treat most of your humour within your article by softening it a little or taking it to an absurd extreme. "The sight was broken for a month" could be softened to "the website was bruised and damage and needed a few months of tender care, plety of fluids and lots of bed-rest to get over the abuse" or it can be hardened to an absurd extreme: "not content to just crash this website...the gamers went on to flood a new gaming site every hour until cities like Moscow and New Orleans were smouldering piles of ash." The next section is littered with lots of little jokes about the insanity of the game, but none of them are really developed enough to lead to a real laugh. The ponies have weapons and destroy things and do destructive mayhem...but where is the nuanced humour? You have a really great idea going somewhere with the earth being turned into a huge spacecraft...and there are many many many places you could go with that. I'd recommend deleting all of the my little pony references and developing one or two of your ideas all the way to an absurd and unexpected conclusion. Then the unicorn flesh part. There is a kernel of humour in there but again, its written as a passive statement rather than a joke. If you alluded to how unfortunate it was that the unicorn was a robot rather than a creature and the loss of yummy unicorn meat...it might get more of a laugh. The same for the little joke about the game never ending. Consider taking that joke somewhere...by repeatedly describing a part of a game until it becomes obvious that the game will never end, deciding how that effects the game player...there are so many funny jokes that could conclude a section like that. I like the controls section. The joke on the clicking on the x on the screen was a nice one. Rethink the wording of that and it would be helarious. You also have a good thing going with the minimal controls. You could even talk about how zero human input is necesary...even better for the enjoyment of the game. "The horse with the dick on the head still remains" is probably the funniest moment in the article. "the game's soundtrack consists of one mainstream pop-song." was funny. In the Christmas section...there is a sliver of potential here, but refering to other users of uncyclopedia and then calling everyone fuckers, is unlikely to make visiting readers laugh. Unless there is a very good reason to call them all fuckers (which takes a fair bit of thought and shapr writing), i'd suggest avoiding using insults in the name of humour. "Racist snow" made me chuckle. In the evolution section...you can go so many places with it. Instead of calling it stupid and pathetic, suggest how it could be improved, or relate the evolution of the game to the evolution of monkeys to humans. Anything. I find that calling things pathetic is useful when we have little time to write something or have run out of steam. In any case...lots of funny ideas and a few moments close to laughing...but you need to develope the humour into moments that are unexpected and novel...and to either soften or extend some of the ideas to really get people to laugh. |
| Final Score: | 19/30 |
19 is a pretty good result for a 36 hour writing competition. You have the structure and ideas for a good article and even some funny-ish moments that could become helarious from a little thinking and planning. Try to polish and finish up this article. I can give you a lot more suggestions and ideas. More than anything...having a clear concept or secondary subject to fuse with this article would likely improve it greatly. Thanks for participating and adding some nice shiz niz to the competition. |
Pee Review from ¡¡¡Y¡¡¡
| Creativity: | 8/10 |
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| Originality: | 10/10 |
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| Humour: | 8/10 |
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| Final Score: | 26/30 |
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Pee Review from Multiliteralist
| Creativity: | 6/10 |
I gave 6 because there are threads in this that are beginning to go places. They never get there, which is why not 10. |
| Originality: | 4/10 |
A bit of the same thing as in Acmed's article: been seen a few times. The enhusiasm in the intro is good, and the article would improve if it stuck to that, explaining everything carefully as if to a child, not many surplus jokes involved. Stick to the matter at hand, say what you have to say about it, don't stretch, and it'll be better. Choose your angle and stick to that. |
| Humour: | 5/10 |
A couple of chuckles. Didn't make me cringe. |
| Final Score: | 15/30 |
Keep writing and more importantly, keep reading. Correctivitalise your language. |
| Score | Comment |
|---|---|
| 7/10 | Put comment here: It did not make me laugh out loud...I smiled though here and there. Creative, yes, just a bit chaotic for my taste. |