User:Shabidoo/happymonkeycompetition/2013/Aleister

Happy Monkey Competition 2013

Pee reviews for: Aleister

Article: The second conquest of the moon

Pee Review from Shabidoo

Creativity:	10/10	There is no end to the creativity in this article. What was especially notable was the right mix of different ideas at the right time. The applause started by the french ambassador. Using the moon landing deniers was a great idea. "were not always where they were a moment ago" was a great way to write about the alien technology as well as very funny. Finishing off the article with the Gordo's blueberries was a spectacular idea and done extra creatively.
Originality:	9/10	Very nice effect using different forms of narrative. As some points descriptive, other are rhetorical questions and others like a stream of conciousness. It was nice to read an article for the contest that effectively mixed so many different styles. There's far less padding than in last years article and in general your articles are more concise. And in this article...it's nice. You get to the point from the beginning and catch the readers attention without all of the typical devises uncyclopedians use. Nice. For me at least...there are still wordy moments in the article like "like when your mother dies and ain't that a mudderfucker!" which I think takes away from the pacing of the article and doesn't add anything creative or humerous enough to justify it (imho of course). That entire sentence is actually quite long. If it wasn't for the punchline at the end of the next sentence (ending at the UN assembly) I'd also say that sentence was way too long...but it works due to the absurdity and helarity of the going to the moon or what comment. I would recommend not using fuck or fucking descriptively in the narrative but only if the character is saying or very clearly thinking about it i.e. motherfucking sister yes, mother fucking General Assembly...I'm not so sure. The first sentence of the next section is also rather long. I'd suggest breaking it into two or more sentences and cutting down of a few of the words. For example: bored our of his skull ignoring an Afghani speaking past his two alloted minutes. Something about grenades floating in dirty water. The ambassador sat perfecting his doodling skills while pole vaulting pencils at sleeping heads of state when suddenly ... In any case its an example of how to break up the long sentences without losing the pacing of the article nor having to cut out more than one of your many many creative ideas. While I didn't cut it up so great...you get what I mean I'm sure. I'm not sure where the whole different countries at the UN trying to out-do each other comes from...and I find it a little messy. It's hard to polish things up in such a short amount of time...but I think the article would greatly benifit by it being explained better WHY they are trying to out-do each other and make their actions a little more concrete rather than "getting jumpy" or "give into the emotion". Why is England cursing their dumb luck? I think I missed something. In the next section there is a lot of padding which I think sometimes has great effect "throw his guitars and her goldfish out the third-story window" and some that could either use some re-wording or cuts:The internet tech boys and spaceship garage nerd start-ups had been uploading and perfecting the science for decades. "which meant that the United States would fund 90% of it". I didn't get it. Is that a reference to the US paying so much of the cost of the UN? Or is it so they can hijack the mission for their own interests? "The ship reached the moon in around eighteen hours, thanks to the Krynski drive - designed by a high school junior in Nebraska who won a ribbon and a kiss from the prom queen for his trouble". Again...yet another creative and humerous idea...but does it take away from the pacing of the article? Or would breaking it down into two more sentences help? Or could you choose only a handful of the best digressions and save the other ones for another article? The drinking games paragraph is well written, minimal padding and funny. Well done. The following two paragraphs are a little chaotic and I didn't personally find them that funny. While I like the whole getting drunk and tons of vodka...it seems to become the main purpose for writing the article. I think the article would benifit from either taking the vodka part down a notch or writing a better/clearer transition from woman screaming at the UN to astraunughts drunk on the moon. I think at the "To the moon Alice" you lost some of your edge and editing eye. While all of the ideas in themselves are good, and well written, even humerous...I think them patched together... seems a little random and purposeless. While the previous two sections are written in a way where the narrative have a clear direction, where things seem in place...for me at least...it's not the case in this section. You could easily just take one or two of their ideas and incorporate them better in the narrative and extend those ideas further. For instance the dog chasing frisbees as an idea could fill up the whole section alone with a chance to relate it to the whole narrative...referencing the crazy woman, the UN, the moon conspiracists and still be pretty helarious. For instance...the two can throw the frisbee to convince the dog to get out of the rocket in the first place. The dog can get bored chasing the frisbee in near slow motion that it licks its balls inbetween the leap and then catching the frisbee. The crazy woman can watch this on TV and scream: "I told them to get back to the moon...not film dogs licking their balls" while the ambassadors at the UN decide which country will get the branding and marketing of moon-dog-frisbee merchandise. In any case...by extending just this one trivial idea...you can reference the other elements of the story and still be funny and creative without digressing too much or getting lost in too many ideas. In the last paragraph, I like the evocative language you use to describe the alien techonology and beings via the experience of a human. However, I find the change from crazy people doing crazy things into a surreal world poetic language a little abrupt and it might help to add a sentence to the article in a way that helps the reader transition from the first to the second...and perhaps explain why the story takes a completely new direction. I really like when and where you insert the brookings report quote. Very nice touch. I like the dark ending of the story, it's original in the sense that not only do few articles in uncyclopedia have a beginning middle and end, but fewer have an existentialist like "life is meaningless" ending. Over all...there are many many original ideas and you most certainly spat out something that's unlikely ever been written before.
Humour:	7/10	Right from the beginning its helarious. The humour...as with most of your articles...is left to the end of each paragraph/idea with a sort of punchline...as well as the occasional silly analogies you use (in the nasal passage of Oprah's ghost). ""What in the ho-ly godforsaken fuck are you waiting for? " was helarious. I think the mother fuckers in "Now you mother-fuckers get me some more moon men or I swear I'm coming back here!!" it a bit of over kill with the use of fuck. I'm sure you can come up with a great and creative replacement insult or adjective. Very funny when the applause at the UN starts. And like water off a lame duck's back the applause grew ... seems like more padding to me. I think a more original/relevant phrase or no phrase of all would be better for the pacing of the article. And a dog, and a monkey ... almost a LOL moment for me. "Everyone was loving every minute of it"...was funny. From there on in...there are funny moments...but I don't think any of it compares to the first two sections of the articles. I think it's likely a case of sheer creativity over powering polished and well aimed humour...all frantically typed out in 36 hours...but theres no doubt in my mind that with time to go over the article you'll bring both halves of the article to an equally high level of humour.
Final Score:	36/30	Hyper creative, very original and with some funny moments. By only the first two sections...I think it's even better than last years entry...however I found the last two sections less polished and lost in a string of so many ideas and padding. When editing this...I would suggest that you now tie together all of your unique ideas into a more comprehensible story line, cut down on the padding, focus on one or two ideas at a time, make the changing from one style of writing to the next less abrupt with a slightly longer transition, make it clear and explain to the reader why what is happening is happening at all. For instance...why are we now on the moon near a crator? Is it just random creativity? If so...use some forshadowing or create tention or hint that something will be found before she trips and falls. Otherwise the reader might feel disorientated and have a hard time following the many twists and turns of the narrative. In any case, all of my contructive criticism has over shadowed the many many many great elements of the article, the funny moments and an article which totally lives upto the purpose of Happy Monkey via creativity, humour and originality. Thanks for participating and let me know if you need me to clarify my comments or give any extra examples or suggestions.

Pee Review from ¡¡¡Y¡¡¡

Creativity:	9.5/10	.
Originality:	10/10	.
Humour:	10/10	.
Final Score:	29.5/30	.

Pee Review from Multiliteralist

Creativity:	10/10	I see creativity as just about the same as originality in writing.
Originality:	10/10	Nice combining of unexpected elements.
Humour:	8/10	Humorous ideas were all right but the delivery could have been improved. I think it would have been better to have started in medias res, on the way to the Moon, preferably just about to land. Then the rest of the story as flashbacks for maximum comedic effect. I also suggest you make it so because then this will be a motherfucker of an article.
Final Score:	28/30	No further comments.

Score and comments by Sarah Baldewijns

Score	Comment
9/10	Put comment here: very nice, fun read. I agree with Multiliteralist: couldve been even better if the first part were a bit more concise. Good job!