User:Shabidoo/happymonkeycompetition/2011/TheLedBalloon

Happy Monkey Competition Winter 2011

Pee reviews for: TheLedBalloon

Article:

Pee Review from Shabidoo

Humo(u)r:	5.5/10	The tone is ironic throughout and funny. I laughed a few times such as these lines: Rolling stone. I die a little inside. Get out of my house. While high on cocaine. There were no LOL moments though I was never bored throughout. It seemed you were trumped by the topic and it got you stuck. Perhaps leaving the 20 isnt that young for the whopping punchline instead of so early in the title would have worked better, in my humble opinion.
Creativity:	7/10	Lots of very creative moments and executed well mostly through the article. confiscating Ipad, use of cocaine, parody of twitter. Its an ensemble of creative ideas stitched losely in a 24 hour period.
Images:	5.5/10	With just one image, it really has to be great. I gave you bonus points for chopping it (putting in an Arrow). It is relevant to the topic and you talk about it in the article.
Prose, Formatting, Links:	4/5	Well written and lots of links. The additude changes throughout the article, first descriptive, then narrative, then journalistic. Perhaps using just one tone or explaining well the change in tone would work out better, in my humble opinion.
Concept or whatever you want to put here:	2.5/5	The concept was good in the sense that you made anything out of a super difficult topic, it was super difficult. That being said, the concept seems designed simply to end at the punchline rather than to give a framework for the whole story as it jumps wildly from twitter, to cocaine, to 2 1/2 men to a press conference.
Final Score:	24.5/40	It seems like you got stuck on the topic and left everything for a build up to the punchline. As I said before, that should be left in the punch line and not in the title (which could be equally different but still funny). Obviously with time and through it can be given a clearer concept, story line and touch ups to be the good article that you can make out of a KILLER HARD topic.
Comments:

Pee Review from: Magic man

Humo(u)r:	6/10	I like it, to a degree. That is to say it's good, not great. Now, I know that your topic was hard, so I should probably give you bonus points for having anything half decent. But I find that it doesn't have a "newsy" feel to it, that is to say it doesn't read like an UnNews. It has more of a gossipy tone to it. Unless... I just realized you might have been going for a paparazzi kind of thing. But still, it reads kinda weird. I also feel like it ended a bit abruptly, and while the ending was amusing, it left me wanting more. I understand that you really can't make it that much longer, seeing as it is an UnNews, and those things can only be so long, but still, a little more would be nice. And lastly, I find that the introduction while amusing, didn't fit with the rest of the article. Seeing as how the introduction talks about Two and a Half Men, and the rest about the tweet.
Creativity:	9/10	Like I said, bonus points for having anything even half decent with your topic. I would've never thought to do it the way you did. So great job with that. I would also like to say your whole use of quotes and everything, quite creative.
Images:	8/10	I really enjoyed your image. I think the caption might be the best part of the whole article. It made me laugh for ten minutes. So great job making an image that wasn't really funny to begin with, into a hilarious piece of work.
Prose, Formatting, Links:	4.5/5	When it comes to written grammar, spelling and the like, I'm shit waffles. But everything made sense and was in good order. And it all looked fine to me, but I figured it couldn't be perfect, so... Yeah...
Concept or whatever you want to put here:	2/5	Like I said above, it all just seems too gossipy to be all that great. It really doesn't have a concept that fits on UnNews. Is seems more like a story The UnSignpost would do. Which are funny, but not really articles. So I guess the big thing is it needs to read like an UnNews.
Final Score:	29.5/40	So this article isn't really that bad, it just needs some fixing up concept wise. But all in all, a good piece of work (especially for that hard topic you got).
Comments: