User:RedIvan3/Laffin-SS
“Wait, I thought clowns already were Nazis?”
The Laffin-SS (German pronunciation: [ˈvafən.ɛs.ɛs], Silly SS) was a breed of clowns cross bred with Waffen SS men to make a Nazi supersoldier. They were bred for the original purpose of molesting and raping Europe's children, traumatising them and thus making them incapable of resistance to National Socialism.
Creation and Use During WWII[edit | edit source]
The Laffin SS were created in Auchwitz in 1943. Nazi scientists under Dr. Mendele isolated the evil gene that was a well for a clowns aggression, they were able to inject it into a new Waffen SS mans child. He killed all the doctors in the delivery room. Himmler, who was looking on, was reported to have said "cant wait to put these in the Russian circus." Laffin SS were first used during the Battle of the Bulge in 1945. There use was given mixed results, most of the time they turned on their Nazi masters as well as the Allies. But it was enough to frighten the shit out of the Allied soldiers, the sounds of demonic clown laughter keeping them up for weeks at a time. These new soldiers were incredibly hard to kill, and were known to destroy tanks with a shear of there claws.
But as the war grew longer and longer, and the Allies marched further and further into the Fatherland, the Laffins were used much more desperately. Eventually a few escaped the zoos they were kept in and wreaked havoc on the German populous. One of these instances is when a Laffin escaped from its unit and ran rampent through the Belgian forest. He eventually hijacked a boat and sailed to England. As he jumped on shore he attacked two young children on the beach. The two severely abused children arrived home later that day when there mother found them. The Laffin member was hiding in the bushes, but the tangelos the mother was carrying messed with its equillibrium. Later that week a dead clown with a hallowed cheeks and crinkled hands. The body was taken to the United States in a truck also containing tin foil hats. The truck mysteriously blew up near Roswell New Mexico 2 years later. There were more escapes that were more sucessful, these proved to be the lucky ones, as when the war ended the Soviets quickly deported the clowns back to Russia to perform in the Russian circus. The caged clowns broke out and burned the tent down. The silly bears were killed and their hats raped.
Current Use and Alliance with Pedobear[edit | edit source]
The Geneva Convention officially condemned the use of Laffin SS, citing them as inhumane. They Nazi clowns were seen little in the post war days, appearing extremely infrequently. One major appearance was in Stephn Kings documentry "It". The Laffins have also appeared in the Pacific Northwest when pictures of strange footprints that have appeared all over the area. These prints have been associated with Bigfoot, but a trained eye can see the small swastikas grained in the sole. These prints have since been seen all over the country, meaning the monsters are advancing. The explosion of child molestations in the Boston area (which have been attributed to Catholic priests) have several tell tale signs of Laffin SS involvment. Well for one there was a giant spray painted sign on the wall that read "LAFFIN SS WAS HERE!!". Other than these big occurances, the Laffin SS has been on a decreasing in power. However, the Laffins found hope in Pedobear, the vicious child molester and terrorist. They soon made friends with the bear, and they had organised raids on orphanages and day cares. They engaged in many intense gunfights with the police, there power grew to enormous levels. They have since gone underground. There reign of terror exists to this day.
Leadership[edit | edit source]
The current leader of the Laffin SS is Hanky the Clown. Hanky is the successor of the evil Sparkles the Clown, who crashed into a pole driving his small car while high on PCP (like clowns always are). Hanky has been indited for over 350 crimes, 200 of those sexual crimes. His trademark is to stick red balloons with swastikas written on them next to his victims corpses. These balloons also seem to fly by places where Hanky is near. He then blows up the balloon. The first Laffin SS leader was Heinrich von Clodesucken, who was known for his ability to rape up to 7 children at one time. Clodesucken was awarded the Iron Cross by Hitler himself for the heroic act of raping Stalin's moustache thus removing its smooth, wavy texture. Russia never recovered.
Membership and Organization[edit | edit source]
Laffin SS men are organised according to race, the half German half clown breeds are held in the highest regard and often hold highest rank. They are immortal, they cannot die a natural death and spread AIDS and diabeetus wherever they go. More recently the SS have been taking in normal clowns (as if any clown is normal) but they must reach several prerequisites:1. Must be indoctrinated with the teachings of National Socialism 2. Must own a pair of funny shoes. 3. Must have a underground dungeon. 4. Must have a taste for dried corn syrup.
After these requirements are met the new convert is injected with AIDS and given a fake nose. Aggression levels are enhanced by locking a convert in a room with pictures of dead babies and puppies. This mostly results in the convert laughing so hard that when he is removed from the room he gets incredibly angry and full of rage (I told you clowns were sick).
Current Location and Survival[edit | edit source]
Laffin SS members have been known to congregate near the town of Delafield Wisconsin. Its not like anything of substance lives in this area, but you should keep your dogs and pet raccoons away from the area lest they be neutered and there genitals hung on tree branches (of course if you were planning on getting your pet neutered this costs nothing but your sane mind, its a pretty good deal). But in case you actually WALK your dog yourself, I'd recommend the following:
- Carry tangelos. It messes with there equilibriums.
- DO NOT EVER bring a child into the area. The clowns aggro range is extreme, they can smell a child from a few miles and once they catch the scent they will NEVER give up the chase. Even if you kill it the clowns ghost will molest your kid in the afterlife.
- Carry a pet lobster with you at all times. The lobsters oily skin will cause such a allergic reaction that the clowns head will pop.
- Bring a camera to record this.
- Bring apple pie, clowns are the only beings on earth who revile it.
- Throw a Torah in the opposite direction, the Nazi inside of the clown will have the urge to burn it. If you don't have a Torah handy, any book by a Jewish author will do.
If you ever run into a Laffin or any clown for that matter with none of these items, immediately call the F.U.C.K (Fraternity of United Clown Killers). You can reach them at 1-800 FUCK-ME for immediate response, the agents will arrive in seconds with tangelos blazing.