User:Rainmanbrad
Historic Commentary[edit | edit source]
“[chuckles]... More like Circle Gay. ”
“Chuck Norris wouldn't even fuck with that! ”
“Circle K-Mart?”
History[edit | edit source]
Once a man developed a business model which exploited poor college students by forcing them to work between the hours of 1AM and 9AM being paid minimum wage while denying them proper body armor. Founders Neo (of Matrix fame) and Jules Winnfield (of Pulp Fiction fame) argue that employees ought to have ability to dodge bullets and are completely replacebale/ expendable.
“Cry to yo' moma bitch”
Geography[edit | edit source]
Established predominately in only the worst neighborhoods, Circle K insists upon late hours despite lack of sales, high frequency of robberies, and refusal to cook fresh hot dogs during early AM hours.
Employment[edit | edit source]
As foreshadowed in history section, all employees are eligable for firing from the moment they are hired. Grave shift employees present during robberies need to show up the following day to be fired in person during what should be their time off.
Chefs[edit | edit source]
Limited to hot dog placing (only after 11AM) and refilling slushy machines. Coffee and donuts need never be replaced or reheated. Circle K does provide microwaves, but they probably don't work. Don't worry, no Circle K customers expect respect or working appliances anyway.
Bartending[edit | edit source]
Gun+Beer Isle = Free Beer! Beer+Beer Isle = free beer!
Twenty-minuters[edit | edit source]
Most roberies take less than twenty minutes. Cops would take more than twenty minutes. You do the math.
“You're fucked”
“I'm fucked”
Statistics[edit | edit source]
The second worst job in the world is firing squad test dummy. The worst job in the world is Circle K convenience store clerk. Anyone working at Cricle K is very likely to be shot within a week. Those lasting longer receive no reward and are up for review. Anyone working at Circle K for more than seven days without getting shot at must be an accomplice. Even if not, expect a termination and a swift pistol whip from management. You won't really know what he's saying, but it's definately in some arabic dialogue and probably has something to do with your God and your failures!
Associated Persons[edit | edit source]
The boss[edit | edit source]
Far too self righteous to ever give a shit about you or your feelings, this guy waits outside your house to run over your puppies while you're not looking. Usually about twice your age, but still only about 45, this man appears to be around 59 years old and often speaks of his success as a proper and professional manager of his local Circle K market store. He secretly suspects you of stealing money from the register even on your days off and uses security footage to spy on you from home. His hate for the employee, however, is both well known and apparent every day. The employee has no idea what he's saying, but it's definately loud, definately offensive, and most certainly in some dialague of Arabic. He has personally never filed any police reports outside the company and understands that his greatest threat is the employee.
The Customer[edit | edit source]
Lazy, unaware, and incompetant- anyone visiting Circle K under their own free will most likely suffers from a mental disability, is a tweaker, or listens to ICP (see: suffers from a mental disability). Avoid Circle K customers at all costs. Of course, if you like paying 4x more for charcoal and don't mind being stabbed a few times, then by all means, shop away. On occasion, rational individuals will visit Circle K for last minute items they forgot at the grocery store where they do all their 'real' shopping. After dodging through the tweakers, retards, and juggalos, they often find themselves coughing over their wallet at the barrell end of a gun. Circle K customer service policy requires that employees advise customers to just drive back to the super market.
The Employee[edit | edit source]
Most likely a college aged young man or woman either trying to pay for tuition or attempting to build credit to take out a loan, this underfunded, under experienced individual would do practically anything to obtain a satisfactory resume. Unfortunately, lack of experience and income leaves the employee with little choice but to buckle down and suffer the lashings of his managerial counter part. Although he hears of his failures from the boss everyday, the employee is in no way envious of his boss' "success" as a Circle K manager and in no way aspires to live paycheck to paycheck by the time he hits his mid forties to early fifties. As little more than a serf, the employee, lacking both body armour and some amount of self respect, shows up to work everyday as if it were his last - secretly (openly) wishing it were.
The Opportunist[edit | edit source]
Practically obligated, the low life convenience store opportunist sees Circle K as his primary means for sustenance and income. Completely tax free and void of all risks, the man with the gun often finds himself in a state of euphoric shock upon the realization that an entire inventory of beer and cigarettes is only five short minutes away and comes with little to no resistance.
Primary Exports[edit | edit source]
- cigarettes
- beer
- cadavers
- employees
- the American Dream
- self righteous foreigners
- Swine Flu
- flack jackets
Primary Imports[edit | edit source]
- bullets
- Ass Holes
- young poor brown and white people
- shame
- regret
- disrespect
See also[edit | edit source]
- AK-47
- Robbing Circle K is way easier than having a real job
- but, it's also way easier if you've worked there before
- suicide
- firing squad
| |||
| Official language | Screaming, Violence, Arabic, Indian | ||
| Weapon of choice | disclosable and nondescript | ||
| Area - Hood/ghetto |
the bad side of the tracks | ||
| Population - Scum bags and cunt rags |
Crooks, robbers, Indians, and dead bodies... and beer. | ||
| Ruling Political Party |
Oligarchy, Absolute Monarchy, Kleptocracy, that mean guy from India/ Middle East with beeds on the front seat of his Hyundai | ||
| Currency | bullets, beer, and cigarettes | ||
| Hours of Operation | 24/7, (hot dogs only 3 hours a day between 11AM and 2PM) | ||
| When entering | duck and cover, hand over your wallet, regret all the sins of your life, call 911 if not yet shot | ||
