User:Primeoffense/Kimbo Slice
Kevin Lawrence Tureaud AKA Kimbo Slice (born on February 8, 1974) is a Miami, Florida-based bread fighter and mixed martial artist who specializing in pitying the fool. He first appeared in several filmed clips which have spread primarily on the Internet. These clips featured Kimbo pitying fools because "that's how a Nigga eat." Kimbo's massive physique is a marvel of science, because he only eats bread. Also, he killed Dr. Robert C. Atkins (creator of the Atkins Diet) for saying that bread was bad for you.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Kimbo Slice is the only son of Mr. T and Ol' Dirty Bastard and bears a strong resemblence to both his parents.
Scientists have wondered how Mr. T could impregnate another man, but they're afraid to ask, for fear that Mr. T might pity their foolish asses. Kimbo was a skinny boy who used to eat a variety of foods, until age 11, when he discovered bread. From that point on, he never ate another food again. Just bread. And he gained 50 pounds of solid muscle a month. Kimbo Slice currently weighs 17,000 pounds and has a body fat index of 0.00031417.
Kimbo dropped out of school so that he could stay home and bake bread. When Ol' Dirty Bastard tried to encourage him to eat more diverse foods, he instead ate Ol' Dirty Bastard. Mr. T disowned Kimbo and never forgave him. It is a long standing T-family tradition to "Treat Yo Momma Right."
Kimbo was kicked out of the A-Team Van and forced to fend for himself at the tender age of 26. He joined an illegal underground bread-fighting league.
Bread Fighting[edit | edit source]
Bread fighting is a little-known and dangerous form of combat in which contestants use stale loafs of Italian Bread to maim and dismember eachother. Nuck Chorris invented the sport in 1944 with the help of Adolf Hitler and a classroom full of 3rd Graders. None of the 3rd Graders survived.
Kimbo Slice reigned over the world of underground bread fighting for several years, using his unique skill-package of Pitying Fools, Eatin' a Nigga's Bread and Blindin' Fools Wif Mah Bald-Ass Head.
MMA Career[edit | edit source]
One of Slice's most notable bouts was a September 2003 encounter with Sean Gannon, a blind former Nazi Stabsscharführer (SS) who is completely invulnerable to pity. Slice was defeated by Gannon, who could not be pitied or blinded by head-glare, and did not carry any bread.
It was then that Slice vowed to develop a strong pimp hand and not rely so much on his genetic affinity for pitying fools and eatin' they bread.
Slice spent the next 4 long years training under legendary pimp-hander and rapper Snoop Doggy Dogg and his hetero-man-servant, the Bishop Don Magic Juan.
Snoop also introduced Kimbo to Pumpernickel Bread, which made him stronger than ever.
On January 4th, 2008, it was announced that Kimbo would fight Tank Abbott in the main event of the EliteXC show on February 16th, but Kimbo pitied that fool so hard at the press conference that Tank Abbott died of shame. Kimbo then kept his pimp-hand strong on the face of Tank Abbott's wife Sherry. She now works the corner of Floyd Street and Tureaud Boulevard 8 nights a week to keep Kimbo paid.
Personal life[edit | edit source]
Slice has revealed that he currently lives with his family in Miami, and is the father of sixty seven children: seven girls, eleven boys, a Ford Excursion, five Great Danes, three rottweilers and fourty creatures that can only be described as "The Epitome of Terror".
Fool-Pitying & Bread-Fighting Record[edit | edit source]
| Result | Opponent | Method | Event | Date | Round | Time | Location | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Win | Bo Cantrell | Submission (Pitied) | Underground Bread Fight | January 11, 2000 | 1 | 0:19 | Miami, Florida | |
| Win | David Duke | Knocked Out(Bread Eaten) | KKK Rally | June 2, 2001 | 1 | 1:17 | Corpus Christi, Texas | |
| Win | Osama bin Laden | DQ (bin Laden hides) | Hidey Hole | September 12, 2001 | 1 | 3:16 | Afghanastan | |
| Loss | Sean Gannon | Unanimous Decision (Gannon is Pity-proof) | Death Camp Brawl | September 28, 2003 | n/a | n/a | Auschwitz | |
| Win | Tank Abbott | KO (Abbott pitied to death) | Pre-Fight Press Conference | January 4th, 2008 | 0 | -44:11:17:11 (44 days, 11 hours and 17 minutes before the fight) | Las Vegas, Nevada |