User:Pelagius/Universal Laws
Universal Laws are a set of dictates set down by some omnipotent guy shortly after the foundation of the universe, intended to allow for a betterment of life for the denizens of the universe. Most people have since realised that laws, as a rule, are a bad thing. Much debate has been generated by people of faith as to the greater meaning behind the Universal Laws.
Universal Law Number One[edit | edit source]
Everything in creation needs the Egg of a Woman and the energy of a man – so next time she has an idea, don’t resist, get it done 'NOW' – YOU HAVE NO CHOICE! This can be further exemplified by the positions taken during the act of Creation itself - the female of the species sublime in a state of inactivity and the male bursting blood vessels in frantic over-exhertion.
"Which came first the Chicken or the Egg?" - well did you see the egg doing any of the pushing? It ain't called the Big Bang for nothing.
Universal Law Number Two[edit | edit source]
No matter what action creates what reaction the result is always Irony - this is also known as the - don't take it all too seriously (especially yourself) law OR the Law of degradation.
Yes, this does therefore mean that Alanis Morissette is actually God as seen in the factual documentary Dogma. As the only thing ironic about her song 'isnt it ironic' was that none of the examples given were ironic at all - would make this revelation the Ultimate Irony and therefore distinct proof that DOG exists (remember you saw it here first). The beauty of this law is that immediately following Ascension everything written in Uncyclopedia will become the Font of All Knowledge and we can shout the loudest "Told You So" in history and possibly get to give DOG a Wedgie.
Universal Law Number Three[edit | edit source]
You are immortal.
No really, you are.......
Think back over your life and remember all the times you 'nearly' died. The truth is that you actually did. Accidental Death gains an immediate 'extra life' unlike suicide, which should be avoided at all costs as that means you have to start the damn game all over again - much like Resident Evil (See law number Two and possibly Four).
Universal Law Number Four[edit | edit source]
You are your own Nemesis - so whatever you do.........Don't look inside you!
Yep, the bogeyman you've been running away from all your life is actually yourself! So don't you think it's time you pulled yourselves together and had a drink while laughing over old times. The last sentence also applies to Law Five but as we haven't got there yet we'll not worry about it just yet.
Universal Law Number Five[edit | edit source]
Every Cliche is the Truth - so you should have been listening closer at the time cause now you'll have to go and look them all up.
Also those of you who have been fooling yourselves all this time or were assuming the 'fingers in their ears la la la laaa laaa' position during the moments that extreme wisdom was being imparted better get with the program real quick.
Some examples of Universal Law Number Five are:
- the grass IS always greener on the other side - truth IS stranger than fiction - the Pope IS Catholic - the end IS nigh - it IS always prudent to wear clean underwear, especially when the end is nigh