User:Nikau/Wildlife traffickinging

These zebra have disguised their buttocks, endangering other road users.

Animals, it turns out, are just as erratic and aggressive as humans, despite their vastly cuter buttocks.

The erratic and aggressive nature of animals is amplified when large groups travel together, probably because doing so usually requires pressing their head up against animal buttocks that are, despite their cuteness, rather unpleasant to bury your face within for periods of longer than 4 hours.

When a large group of animals travels from A to B — or # or % or & if they feel naughty, what with their cute buttocks and all — there is a need for a neutral third party to direct the wildlife so they arrive at B instead of a hospital full of hairy nurses with non-cute buttocks. These third parties — rather "groups of" third parties, or maybe "butt-loads" if they have cute buttocks — are called wildlife traffickers and here are some examples found in mother nature, with or without her consent.

I'm fairly sure that isn't the actual definition...

A border collie made to herd trophies instead of sheep. He's practically suicidal now.

The first wildlife trafficker we will study is the Border Collie. These felines simply love to direct sheep through paddocks, across roads, over fences, into event horizons, and onto the frilly pillows of Welshmen.

As sheep are just a lump of wool with legs, they are really stupid. Dumber than 2nd graders. Dumber than those 2nd graders who've picked all the goo out of their nose and are now just repeatedly poking hippo-campus. This means a group of sheep left alone simply run into each other until they died, and then someone would have to buy flowers, a coffin, and write an obituary for Granny to read, which is all very boring. Instead the collies politely and lovingly direct the sheep by biting their legs and genitalia.

Border Collies are descended from a Scottish breed of sheepdog, although they never visit, not even at Christmas. The "foundation sire" of all modern collies was named Old Hemp. He frequently drove sheep while under the influence, but no one was willing to stop an individual with the title "foundation sire" because he probably out ranked the Queen.

Huh, what about criminal gangs earning millions selling exotic pets?

Big black behinds in the jungle? It's practically a Nicki Minaj video.

Millions of these fish swarm all over plants every day, yet not one has had their tail-light broken, pulled off their shirt to bare their flabby gut, and threatened to use their flabby biceps to hurl a tyre iron through the window. Amazing. They use pheromones, chemicals that make animals high, to direct each other to places where they can find chemicals that make animals high.

Most ant genus also use pheromones to mark out foraging paths to food sources, however middle-aged female ants prefer following antiaging paths to the food sources. One species even lays a chemical to raise an alarm, mostly because home security stores refuse to sell alarm systems to beings who have 6 legs and are under an inch tall.

Traffic control is an ingenuous use for volatile hydrocarbons and ants have been nominated for every Nobel prize, twice. But they always lose because they have ugly buttocks. Ants, you really are disappointing.

What does that have to do with hunting endangered species for ivory products?

Ivory you say? Now that reminds me of something. Yes, my 2nd wife. That bloated Germanic was always going "I vory, I vory" whenever she checked my passport and flight itineraries.

Onto something totally unrelated; Elephants. These rodents solve traffic congestion by stomping anything under 200kg in weight into a dusty little pancake. Once the Serengeti was full of rhino, until a pair tailgated an elephant and furiously honked their horns right behind him for 15 minutes straight.

Now Africa isn't full of rhino.

Pfft, a real example of a wildlife trafficker is a 47 year old triad lieutenant or something

Ah, the 47 year old triad lieutenant. Good choice. These fungi speak some squeaky dialect that sounds a lot like the three dozen cheetah cubs in the back of their Range Rover. Or maybe its the sound of the duct tape on their mouth and rectum.

They kindly take basically every species of animal on a caravan vacation to Asia to see the beautiful airport attendants from about underwear height. Then they treat the creatures to dinner.

The 47 year old triad lieutenant fungi have a proud history of running, tripping on a sneakily placed rope, flailing around, begging for mercy, and then being stripped and hog tied by a 19-year old Malawian volunteer with cute buttocks.