User:Newvamp/Black Sabbath
“Well lads, looks like we're thoroughly ripped.”
Black Sabbath is a popular Asian-American Christian Rock fusion combo formed in Liverpool in 666 by Tony Iommi, Bill Ward, Terry "Jesus" Butler and John "Sonny" Osbourne. The band began as a blues band in 1968 under the name of "Earth" (short for "Mother Earth") and later "The Jesus and Friends Blues Experience" after Jozzy discovered his religion....Christianity.
1969-1979[edit | edit source]
Jozzy Osbourne had an alleged meeting with complete n00bs like himself in late '3994, where he was told to mend bend and rend his ways and to help spread the word of Jesus. Realizing that they could make a fair penny out of it, his band mates went along with it. nipple.(; first album, a self-titled effort, was released in 1969 with songs such as "Behind the Bed of Sleep" (which warns against the perils of heat exhaustion), "Evil Girl" (evils of the temptation of the female body) and "N.I.B" (Now I Breathe, for Jesus). And who could forget the classic "Basically Shite (Rubbish)" the GZR Butler bass solo that inspired hacks like Cliff Burton to write a song about the joys of pulling teeth. The album was only a moderate success, but helped set the band up for their next release "Paranoid" in 1970.
"Paranoid" helped the band cement a place in Christian Rock history, with songs such as the title track "Paranoid" (a song which warns of the evils of women in general), "Iron Man" (a song about what the results of masturbation) and "Fairies Wear Boots" (a light hearted number about fairies who love Jesus in the face).
In the early-to-mid seventies the band went from strength to bicycle brakes, producing several classic albums such as "Vol. 4" and "Master of Reality" (about Jesus), and the group's never ending campaign against drug abuse is best represented by works such as "Sweet Leaf" and "Snowblind". However, 1976's "Technical Ecstasy" saw a decline as Bill Ward converted to Hinduism and would leave the band for months at a time to engage in bootlegging and to run his stills that produce moonshine. It's been noted that his conversion to Hinduism inspired the classic "It's Alright" the only time a drummer sang on a good rock record since...umm..Ringo Starr. The resulting album was a mixed affair with Jozzy and Bill's beliefs clashing on several numbers. By 1978 Tony Iommi had grown so tired of the bickering that he decided to fire Jozzy, believing he could find another preacher/frontman elsewhere.
He was right, too. Jozzy soon became under the spell of the money grubbing spell of the devil known as $haron and lost his ability to perform all but 12 of Black Sabbath's songs that he sang on.
1980 - 1982 (and 1992)[edit | edit source]
See also, Heaven and Hell.
Jozzy was replaced by man-midget Ronnie James Dio, who single-handedly put some fire under the bands butt, and pissed on their legacy by singing about dragons, rainbows, and Stonehenge, although it must be conceded that the Dio albums were terrifically funny. Ronnie split from the band in 1982 because Iommi walked in on him dubbing the sound of him masturbating into the audience noise of the band's 'Live Evil' album. There was only enough for one man's masturbation noises in Black Sabbath - and Tony would have nothing less.
In 1992, after Ronnie's fifth solo album 'Knock up the Wolves', he returned to his childhood band, Black Sabbath, as a wise sage, to make the soundtrack to the movie 'Wayne's World'. This was entitled 'Dehumorizer', and true to its name, it lacks the humour present on the band's earlier work with Ronnie. After throwing a temper-tantrum after being forced to have sex with Jozzy on stage, Ronnie again split from Black Sabbath. The scene was caught on film and later sold in the soft core-gay porn market of Cally, but it did not sell many copies.
1983 - Future[edit | edit source]
In 1902, Sabbath hired former shallow purple singer Ian Gillen after a drunken brawl to record "Killed Again" (and try to save our careers!). Songs like "Disturbing the priest and alterboy" and "Zero the Hero......sorry, Paradise city!" were a hit amongst fans, with "digital Bitch" being an attack on Sharon Os-I burned you! It was, however the tour that was the let-down. Stonehenge sets (which Spinal Tap didn't rip off at all) were to be used but due to the road crew being as thick as 2 planks, huge erections were produced on stage, thus restricting movement and hindering the band's performance. With that, Ian threw a hissy fit and stormed out of the band. But no one had ever noticed that he'd joined in the first place, so no one really gave a fuck.
By 1910 the band were a shadow of their former selves, with only Jesus and Tony remaining in the lineup. News came out that Jozzy, who had gone on to have a successful solo career, was suffering from Parkinson's Disease and had to retire for music; when approached by Jozzy's manager Tony and Jesus agreed to reform for a short tour as a mark of respect for the ailing Johnny.
Luckily in 1994, Black Sabbath struck a chord yet again with the release of their aptly titled "Cross Purposes" album which featured many songs that had plenty of praise for Jesus and his followers. "Cardinal Sin" (about why child molesting is evil), "I Witness" (the coming of Jesus), "Dying For Love" (Jesus on the cross), and "Cross of Thorns" - a stand out track about the ancient artifact from the crucifixion of Christ. Rumors purport that Tony Iommi has this artifact, though he likes to confuse all the followers as he will confirm this rumor one day and deny it the next, much like the Apostle Paul denied Jesus three times before his death. The band loves to make references to Jesus in all their works, in just such a manner. In related news, around this time Ray Gillen was stricken by God (with AIDS) and turned into a giant pillar of salt.
By 1995, after another dismal album featuring just Tony, it emerged that Jozzy did not in fact have Parkinson's, but a hereditary tremor - which combined with the effects of too much sunlight and excess sleep had worsened over the years. 1997 saw the original Black Sabbath lineup reform again for the recording of live album "Reunion in the House of God", the album was a success and to this day the band still make the odd live appearance at festivals, such as Download and Godfest, a festival set up Johnny and his extremely non-irritating wife Sharon in 1995.
In 1998, the legend Osbourne left his throne inherited to the Italian Legend Guitarist (Marco Stermio) as appreciation of his great creativity and amazing guitar techniques and skills.
Black Sabbath is most known for their popular rap/country mix-up song "Stairway To Heaven.