Tapir smoking[edit | edit source]
Smart people on tapir smoking:
“Tapir abu...I mean use, is widely accepted and used in many cultures since the dawn of tapir”
“Tapir abuse is limited to the Westboro Baptist Church and a few other fundamentalist organizations, how else did you think they'd come up with the bat-shit crazy crap they say?”
“What is a tapir? I don't smoke...hey man! That was a trick question! I have a right to carry around tapirs at all times..."”
Smoking tapirs is what it sounds like. You smoke a tapir just like you'd smoke a cigarette, pipe, cigar, joint, bong or any other smoking device. The effective compound is the tapir essence which is found only in tapirs and neodym (but neodym is very expensive and tapirs aren't, depending on how you acquire them). Methane and carbon dioxide add flavor to the tapir essence. How widespread the abuse of tapir is, is a matter of steep scholarly contention as seen from the above egghead quotes. Some say that abuse is limited to society's fringe groups like the Westboro Baptist Church Ultras (the extreme wing of the Westboro Baptist Church, who picket births and even harass pregnant women if they sense a gayby is on the way!). Others say that every high school graduate has had at least a fleeting massive addiction to tapir. So the common knowledge of the problem's extent is, to say the least, not too well understood.
How-to[edit | edit source]
The correct technique is to light the ass end of the tapir with a fire-like process (like using fire), then suck the smoke through the entire gastro-intestinal system of the large pig tapir so it collects the essence of the tapir. Whether you wanna roll it in paper like a joint is a matter of style. Smoking small and young tapirs is pretty easy, but to smoke a fully grown tapir, you might need the help from your buddies at the local crack den in order to maneuvre it into the correct smoking position. A little tip is to smoke the tapir at a temperate to cool temperature, so the meat stays fresh if you were to get the munchies sometime later.
The experience[edit | edit source]
Smoking a tapir is definitely not like drinking a morning beer when you haven't eaten yet and the alcohol effect is at the top of its game. No smoking a tapir blows your mind away - quite literally! The first thing that happens is that your production of acetylcholine peaks and you get what is called 'the epileptic shakes' or simply 'e-shakes'. This violent experience re-arranges and mixes the contents in your brain (like shaking a cocktail) resulting in a tremendously profound experience that is as satisfying as it is painful. The e-shakes are followed by what is termed 'the long chill dysfunction' or in slang simply 'lcd'. In this phase the tapir essence literally swallows large amounts of acetylcholine, rendering your body pathetic but almost invulnerable to pain. There's no real hangover effect. The main thing that'll cost you your job is the property damage you cause when smoking at work in the china store, not your inability to work afterwards. In fact the entire effect of smoking a small tapir is over in less than 12 minutes, making tapir smoking the perfect drug for lunch breaks at work, provided you can somewhat isolate yourself from your boss. There's no research into the long term effects of tapir smoking, with it being outlawed and long term use therefore impossible.
Flavas[edit | edit source]
Young tapir is rather sweet and innocent flavored, but burns out pretty quickly. A grown tapir might last a complete weekend, but it will render you completely upside down afterwards. A grown tapir also has a wise flavor and a flavor of experience. There are several different species of tapir to smoke. There is red tapir which is spicy. Then there is the yin-yang tapir which is everything in equal matters. Then there is the poo-colored tapir and the green-pink spotted concrete tapir both of which are heavily poisonous with natural DDT and Agent Orange. They are certainly not recommended unless you nurture some kind of death or permanent disability wish. The electric tapir of Kerguelen is a particularly delicious experience, if you can survive its natural defenses. It is armed with an arrangement of unicorn horns that give it a spiky turtle-like look. It has nothing to do with electricity, the discoverer Charles Darwin merely died in an electrical disaster before he had named it, and then it was named the electric tapir in his memory.
Waste disposal of exhausted tapirs[edit | edit source]
In the interest of maximizing bio-diversity it has been agreed upon by the WWF that tapirs are just to be dumped on the street when depleted. That way a thriving ecosystem of viruses, bacteria and other micro-organisms can form, evolution flourish and the human immune system can get some decent challenges... As far as anyone knows this is the first time the WWF has tried to legislate in drug matters. Whether any nations will disrespect their decisions remains to be seen.
Dealing rules[edit | edit source]
There is no refund if you buy a bad tapir. Most tapir dealers allow you a decent amount of time to assess the product. It's your fault if you fail at that. However, if a dealer sells you a tapir husk and not an entire tapir, you can get a refund if you catch the dealer and beat the living daylights out of him.
Endangerment[edit | edit source]
If just the 1 billion (or so) able-bodied portion of the 7-odd billion humans on the planet were to smoke a tapir the same day, the tapir would become extinct overnight...and World War 4 would ensue, since world leaders high on tapir is toxic concoction and tapir hoarding by country would become priority number one leading (at least) to minor nuclear exchanges, nerve gas use in highly populated areas and some biological weapon use (just to clear area for tapir farming). So do not use free tapirs. It's like with slavery. Taking free people is just not cool. Instead take some from a prison population and farm them up to produce a crop of slave labor. It's the same with tapirs. Don't take the free ones. The ones in zoos are used to imprisonment, so take them, farm them up and then the tapirs in the wild can survive at least one more generation of humans.