User:Luvvy/Sandbox/S2
 | This article may be Overly British |
There exists a strangely skewed idea of there not being a single more intricate tea ceremony than that of the Japanese, who got it right and should be mimicked in everything in these days of foreign influences corrupting our youth. What few understand, is that to correctly perform a tea service appropriate for even the Her Majesty the Queen, one has to pay attention to a myriad of minute details that go into the traditional five o'clock tea of the English gentry. The tradition of the hour when tea should be served persists, but these days it is more commonly served from a worn out promotional loot mug advertising some long ago bankrupt radio station or with obscene images perceived as 'humorous' by those of lower social standing.
The true tea ceremony is considered to be too complicated for the less educated modern youth by experts, however this misconception simply proves that the noble tradition is in decline. To prove that the English five o'clock tea is not even nearly as complicated as one might think, here's a simple guide to how you can create your own charming little get-together in a highly casual fashion with your friends. One of our chief advisers on this matter has been the Right Honourable Dame Hyacinth Bouquet of Troughton.
First, you need the setting.[edit | edit source]
A pavilion in a blossoming rose garden is perfect for this. Do not be alarmed if you lack the garden. It only takes a little effort to marry some old geezer for his family fortunes and title to obtain one. Do not worry about it if you are male. Last time we checked, there are a vast amount of toffs out there who definitely swing the other way.
The weather should be nice. Preferably with only a light drizzle of that dreary English rain, hence, the pavilion to provide protection against the inevitability of British weather. Bribe an MP or blackmail a meteorologist if you have to, but get that perfect weather.
Second, the paraphernalia[edit | edit source]
The older and more priced the better. Whatever you think, do not purchase your china from IKEA, however original they look. They need to have been imported to Europe centuries ago from that same sweatshop that still crunches out the same old plates, teapots and cups as it has crunched for generations and generations, but it just isn't the same thing without shipping them here in exchange for black slaves, now is it?
Silverware should preferably feature your family crest or a monogram of the first known lord in the family. Owning this silverware suggests you are a direct descendant and heir, whether or not this is the truth. The main reason for bothering to put up the show is the buffing of your own ego and to burnish your own status. You cannot, by any conventions of propriety, use anything but silver for your silverware.
Third, the guest list[edit | edit source]
It is alright to invite ladies of high standing from the nearby area, but please do remember, you need to impress them, and that is more easily accomplished, if you intentionally choose some of your guests from lower social standing.
It is never, ever acceptable to leave out the vicar, and the Mayor's wife. Little Old Crime Solving Ladies are also strongly recommended, especially, if your son has finally realised he'd be better off with your silverware than you.
Fourth, Table chatter[edit | edit source]
The all-important and only subject always considered acceptable, is the weather. Other subjects that are appropriate at a tea ceremony are the welfare of children, grandchildren, and pet rabbits. Talking about the wayward sons and daughters is not appropriate, and those should preferably be completely ignored.