User:LuMontyZ/Fire Emblem: Abridged

Your average Fire Emblem player.

This article describes the Fire Emblem games, the characters and why you will head-desk. Only 4, and 6-10 will be detailed since the others were only released in Japan and no normal people with normal lives plays them illegally on emulators.

Fire Emblem 4, or Sigurd's Rampage during a Time of Sexual Perversion

The main character is Sigurd, the last good Lord of Fire Emblem. Otherwise, there is a rather bollocks story. There's all sorts of inbreeding and other such nonsense. No synopsis can adequately explain the bizarre tale.

The dating game allows the pairing up of characters for the second generation. So it seems shipping was big even back in 1994.

This game is pivotal in the series for introducing many elements that are now main-stays. For example the weapons' triangle was introduced. Swords beat axes which beat lances which beat swords. This is an attempt at "strategy," the genre of Fire Emblem.

There is a demon that stalks in all Fire Emblem games. It is called RNG. This thing, the Really Nihilistic Genie, follows each character around. When a character attacks, the Genie chooses a number from 1-100 for the Hit score, and then the same for critical. Many times an attack at 80+ percent will be launched, only to miss and have an entire chapter destroyed; once a unit dies, they are gone forever (with a small exception in this game). But the pain doesn't end there. When leveling up, each stat has a "growth." If the Genie gives a number within that growth, say 20 and the growth is 30%, that stat increases. In other words, the Genie gives all the high percents upon leveling (thus being above the bracket) and all the low numbers when attacking (so attacks miss).

The RNG will come back many times as the remaining games are explored.

Fire Emblem 6, or, Why Roy Exists

A rather rough game. It's mainly due to the RNGenie and one other factor that this game doesn't see the light of day. This was where Roy was introduced to the game. In fact, he was apparently the only memorable character to make it into any other game, seeing as he got a cameo in a Smash Bros. game. To make a long story short, frustration is the name of the game.

This game is tough. To get the best ending, one must get all nine legend weapons. To do this, one needs to play the Gaiden chapter for each. To do that, one must fulfill a set of conditions that only superfans know. Some of these conditions require leaving certain enemy units alive. Never mind that they're going to kill themselves at the first opportunity! The RNGenie's cruelty truly shows.

Fire Emblem 7, the Blazing Boredom

It starts of with Lyn. Then it ends with Lyn meeting her grandfather. Then we realize how stupid this tutorial crap is and play the real game. Or you could read the instruction manual. But to have good stats on the tutorial characters it must be played. Otherwise the RNGenie will be around even more than usual.

This is more colorful than the game.

This is the story of Emowood, who can never get laid, get a date, or even find a drinking buddy. It's a sad, sad story. Tissues come with every copy of this game. The RNGenie stalks Emowood more closely than any other character in Fire Emblem ever!

Then there's the real story of Hector A.K.A. Hector Hometrasher. Sadly, he's a kitten huffing addict and that's where he gets his strength from. It makes the RNGenie happy so Hector is usually a great character to play. Anyways, Hector earned his last name after he beat his former wife, Samus Aran. He was incredibly angry that she did not buy him more kittens to huff. After destroying his mutli-million dollar home, he proceeded to run into the streets. His whereabouts are unknown. That is, until this game's story begins.

Fire Emblem 8, Sacredly Stoned

This story follows of either the prissy princess, Eirika, or her addict brother Ephraim. It's somewhat like Lord of the Rings, The Chronicles of Narnia, Rambo, and The Crocodile Hunter. Problem is, because of its components it actually suffers in the "cool" department."

It's like Lord of the Rings because the character Lyon uses power akin to the One Ring to cause all the bad events to happen in the first place. This is also a record in Fire Emblem: The RNGenie had nothing to do with messing everything up.

It's like The Chronicles of Narnia because the last boss looks somewhat like Mr. Tumnus. So I guess it isn't much like Chronicles of Narnia. Oh well, at least this is a cheap plug for C.S. Lewis.

Ephraim is the other playable character. Like Eirika, he's fairly boring, but his story has more elements of Rambo and the Crocodile Hunter. Plus, the RNGenie likes him because he secretly huffs kittens.

So, the story isn't amazing but this is an enjoyable title. The RNGenie likes using this as a gateway for unwitting players. If one tries to play any other Fire Emblem game, the RNGenie gets to have more fun.

It's high, just not high enough.

Fire Emblem 9, Path of Radiation

Chernobyl wishes it was this good.

This is where things get weird. The Lord of the game, Ike is a lot like Sigurd, a.k.a really good. Once that shock dissipates, this game is pretty good despite some flaws.

For one, the writing is like that of a bad Dr. Who fanfic. It's hard to follow, doesn't make much sense, and it seems to involve time travel, except it doesn't. Rumors of a fan patch have circulated but have proven to be false.

Otherwise, it's pretty standard fare. Shipping makes a bit of a comeback in how conversations are presented. Really it's just a warm-up for...

Fire Emblem 10, that one thing

This game took hard mode to a new level. Not only is the writing only marginally better than last time, but the RNGenie made a special deal that will make any player suffer. It's still playable, but one should bring many kittens to huff.

One can Battle Save now. So theoretically, the notorious RNGenie can be circumvented. This is mostly true. As revenge, the player must play as the Dawn Brigade. Without ruining the story of Fire Emblem 9, it is important to note that 70% of hardcore Emblem players cried until falling asleep after playing the Dawn Brigade for the first time. The Dawn Brigade is like trying to fight Sean Connery and his awesomeness with Mickey Mouse. It just can't be done.

There are mechanics to abuse, so one should ask any local superfan if help is needed. Any means necessary should go into finding a superfan if one is serious about playing this game. Thus, the line of "strategy" and "head-desking every combat round" are blurred. When the RNGenie isn't on the move, the swarm of exploding lemmings are.

Fire Emblem 13, which is currently only in Japan

DLC

One example of the inappropriate DLC art; no smart person wears really short shorts when in battle.

Due to poor reception, this is the next American installment. Besides being able to Download a lot of favorite characters, one can be stalked by other people's RNGenies with the 3DS street pass thingy. Basically, it's a money-maker but still fun. It's more like FE8. Two huffable kittens can be donated for one free DLC character.

Why Any Player Will Need Therapy

These games have a certain on ne sait quoi that makes people play them regardless. Side effects include lack of sleep, depression, anger, anxiety, lack of self-control, binging on Mtn Dew and various other anomalies.