User:Kippy/Autofellatio sales and chart positions

Autofellatio

An ingenious invention that converts any Automobile with an internal combustion engine into a vacuum sucking, pollution free vehicle. The concept was originated in 1971 by the Allegheny Airlines engineering team to replace the twin engines on the Convair 580 aircraft. It works on the simple concept that vacuums may not be much but they certainly do suck.

Originally dubbed the “Lages Sucker” (patent #5425497) this concept was designed by Dr. Sirrom Lages in the Airlines swank offices above Hanger 11 at National Airport. The basic operation is to pump the fuel tanks of the vehicle dry until there is a vacuum. Then to operate the engine the intake valves of a cylinder who’s piston is at the bottom is opened. This causes the air in the cylinder to equalize with the vacuum in the fuel tank. As the air rushes to the fuel tank it sucks the piston to the top of the cylinder, thus turning the crank arm. As the piston hits the top of the cylinder the intake valve is closed and the outtake valve is opened thus relaxing the pressure on the piston and allowing it to fall back to it’s original position.

After numerous attempts to get the device to operate and R&D funding running low the airline had to abandon the effort. It seemed that they could not build a large enough fuel tank to run the engine any longer than 30 seconds and still have an aerodynamically sound airplane. A short trip from JFK to Newark would require a fuel tank the size of Staten-Island.

Lages took his invention to General Motors where they have attempted to retrofit it into a 1966 Corvair for several decades. The marketing department still has a warehouse full of a catchy billboard adds showing a beautiful blonde pulling up to a service station, handing the attendant some cash and with a smile saying take out $10’s worth please. The latest news from this project is that they are working on a magnetic Klein bottle concept. This was after spending years working out the defects with the initial tubes to outer space where vacuums are abundant.

Tubes to outer space

1. Originally a plan to fuel vacuum powered engines on Earth, “tubes to outer space” later became a solution to the growing pollution problems that plagued Earth from the beginning of the industrial age until the demise of the nuclear age.

2. Also used to describe the action of getting rid of the band The Tubes by tricking them into performing a gig in Zeta Reticuli.

The nuclear age ended when George W. Bush signed the “Texas Talk” bill. An ingenious piece of legislation that, among other things, mandated that the word “nuclear” be changed to “nucler”. This caused the Library of Congress to lose the critical link to all known scientific documentation on the subject.