User:JoeMonco/blurbs
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Why C&C fans are stupid - Red Alert part 2[edit | edit source]
As mentioned a few months ago, I do hold a certain extent of prejudice towards all Command and Conquer fans out there. One thing I forgot to say, though, was that most C&C fans were not necessarily old geeks that had somehow stuck in their puberty. That's right - why bother catering to people like myself, who have already got half a foot into the retirement homes, whilst there are countless pubersent teenagers ready to shell out their parents' money for something that has been regurgitated over and over again? In fact, anyone with a keen eye on the lastest installment of the Red Alert series should be able to tell right away that it is not meant for those at age 10 and over, and anyone who has played or even touched the series (including myself) should be all covering their own heads in shame for ever having anything to do with it. To illustrate how awful this particular installment is, just picture EA as some sort of cheese factory trying to ship off blocks of chadder labelled as "Red Alert 3". But instead of real chadder, they have in its place a cheesy PC game in every package, likely with a cast from a Ron Jeremy movie for the cutscenes, Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer for the story, and the Windows Vista development team for the game implementations. This is not simply appalling - this is frightening - and I have just soiled my pants for just typing those words.
But what do the kids... I mean, other people, think of it? Well, a glance at the Web 2.0 demographics at YouTube will tell you instantly that they generally like it. Bizzare outcome notwithstanding, since we are talking about the same lot of drolling idiots that think Kari Wuhrer should ever be allowed to move within range of a camera lens, what do they not like? If tacky dialogs such as "commies back to their mommies" haven't set off your alarm already, then how about American Gladiator Gina Carano in cosplay costumes? Or a blonde commando with mascara? Or the sort of gaming mechanics that you have already seen in every other contemporary real-time strategy game? Really, what is EA next going to throw at thousands of years of human civilization? A communist invasion of the Playboy mansion with silicon-enhanced bunnies mud-wrestling in 3-D? Or even more merciless butchering of modern history with the sort of mecha nonsense that you would rather not see outside the world of hosed-up animes? In fact, why did EA even bother to bring in a second sequel for a game that should have died gracefully right after its original release? (And, no, the much beloved first sequel would not even have existed without the blessing of EA and its giant briefcase of cash for the then-Westwood board of shareholders.) Can anyone say, "Enough is enough?"
Unfortunately, executives at EA think they have got everything right on the track. Just as they would be at every other corporation that has brought to you such fantastic ongoings as the music industry and the credit crunch, their jobs are to keep drawing blood out of a stone and bail out before everything around them crumbles into dust. They don't care if you get brain tumors just for daring to stare at their dreadful abominations that they call "video games". It is never their duty to think of the consequences of feeding a niche, rabid demographic of fans and players, and it is never their concern for having profited at the expense of an entire culture or art. The Red Alert series is a steaming pile of crap, and so are the those who think the otherwise.
Why C&C fans are stupid - part 1[edit | edit source]
Remember the days when quad-speed CD-ROM drives were still considered "fast"? Video games with cheesy, low quality motion pictures and point-and-click childrens' "education" suites with hokey, "Oh, yeah" voice-over? The 1990's were a time when everyone wore tennis outfits, tight pants and looked utterly retarded, and it was only appropriate that some of these numskulls would eventually take their brain damage with them to the 21st century. Now, here we are at the end of this decade, but Command and Conquer fans still won't shut up about Westwood Studios. For those who don't know what Westwood Studios was, it's the company that produced the original Command and Conquer: Tiberium Dawn real-time strategy game. It was bought out by Electronic Arts in 1998 and is now just as much history as the American Civil War, but some idiots still miss the label and are hell-bent on whining about how great the C&C sequels would have been if they were under it. Let me tell you how great those sequels would have been - they would have been as great as last month's leftover half-eaten by dogs, hung outside in the sun dry for a fortnight and slipped under your pillow when you weren't looking.
Most of everything by Westwood Studios sucked. They were as bad as a two-bit 90's company could churn out. The C&C series was a cheap corporate expansion pack-fest that even Blizzard Entertainment could only dream of. I had the misfortune to own a copy of Red Alert: Counterstrike. It blew to the point it could almost uproot the entire state of Texas. Every aspect of it was simply dull and unappealing and gave you the feeling of coming out of a dusty garage. The second installment Red Alert 2 was even worse than the lump-sum of the first original and expansion packs in the sense that it was the exact cookie cutter crap that the company had been producing since 1995, with the bonus of even cheesier cut-scenes with B-movie queen Kari Wuhrer squealing and jumping around like a psychosis patient. Really, how could anyone stand this much load of bull, pay money and feel good about the purchase? Only C&C fans could.
Now with the label gone forever, these idiots finally begin to realize what kind of suck-fest they were indulging themselves with and decide to whine all days as to why the series has become such a rip-off. Here's a news flash - you asked for it. No one points a gun at you and ask you to empty your pocket at the counter. You hand over your money to EA because you are just retarded. You have been sucking up the entire series like George Michael in front of a line of cracked cocaine since the very first installment of the entire franchise. You suck at life - deal with it.
More rants to come in the following weeks, so stay tuned to get humiliated again.