User:JSF99/Original sin
Original sin is a concept in Christianity[1] based on the idea that if you are going to do something wrong, at least you should do something nobody has done before. Your priest or other religious leader decides whether your sin is truly original, or else it doesn't count.
Jesus Damns Your Bullshit
Jesus Harold Christ has had enough of your crap. Please refrain from annoying Him any further, lest He turn the blood of your body to salt. And, no, He does NOT have a sense of humour.
Original sins are granted automatic dispensation, and given a mention in the "Guinness Book of World Sins". The best sins will be collected for Bob Saget's new program, "America's Funniest Sins", with the ultimate sinner given $50,000 and a trip straight to Hell. So far some notable entries are Timmy Johnson's triple rape...at the same time as he was smoking three hundred pounds of cocaine through Katy Perry's boobs. Leroy Packer somehow had eleven counts of sodomy at the same time while preaching to the pope and licking Adrian Lima all over and snorting Jack Daniel's. Kiki Wall's entry was discounted after it was discovered that she could only fit six dicks into her pussy.
Origin[edit | edit source]
Original Sin originated with the Christian fable of Adam and Eve. In this story, God created a perfect utopia on earth called Eden, along with Adam and Eve; the first humans. After making everything, God needed a nice long break to relax while the new earth blossomed. However, He knew he had to protect Adam and Eve from the dangers lurking in this new world such as wild animals, sharp objects, and of course the ever-present threat of strangers. So he made the world's first rule:
| “ | Thou shalt not taketh candy from strangers. | ” |
He planned to expand His rules at a later time, but He decided to wait until there were more people in the world to reveal more rules. While He rested, Adam and Eve were living their lives in Eden. God figured everything would be okay, and Adam and Eve would be able to resist the pull of strangers offering them candy. But He was wrong. The Devil was up to his nasty old tricks (though they weren't necessarily old at the time), leading man into temptation and whatnot. He disguised himself as a snake and called Eve over to a tree. He offered her an apple from the tree, saying it was okay as:
A) He wasn't technically giving her candy
B) She wasn't technically taking it from him
C) He wasn't technically human, so it is debateable whether he was really a "stranger" or not
D) God wasn't looking
Indeed, Satan was a big smartass. So she took the apple and ate it, invoking God's fury upon finding out she had taken an apple (the rule having been conveniently modified upon learning what happened), so God decided to punish Eve for her very original sin by taking away Eden and making the world utterly bland and normal.
God's making of the "Original Sin" rule[edit | edit source]
After thinking about Eve's sin for a while, he realized that it would be a great opportunity to make a worldwide game for His enjoyment. He made His second ever rule, stating that:
| “ | If thou doth commit a sin, it must be an original one and not stolen. Any unoriginal sins will be ignored. | ” |
There was worldwide competition everywhere to commit original sins; ones involving sex, rape, and crime filled up rather quickly. Before long, people had to actually plan out their sins before they committed them, lest nothing happen.
Footnotes[edit | edit source]
- ↑ Original Sin was copyrighted by the Catholic Church in 1054 following the Great Schism with the Greek Orthodox Church. The latter have since denied they ever thought about wanting this guilt trip as part of their creed. The Jews suggested original sin didn't exist but were barred by law from contesting this issue. In 1517 Martin Luther and later Jean Calvin produced evidence that God had allowed the copyright to lapse so now Protestants could share Original Sin with Catholics. That is the current legal position.
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