User:Iwillkillyou333/HowTo: Be Black Metal
So you want to be a black metal musician, do you now? Well that is interesting, because you sure don't look like a black metal musician. For your information, black metal bands do not wear casual clothing when performing on stage, nor do they wear crappy shoes like that. And what in the world are you doing with a guitar like that? That’s just messed up. Can you at least sing black metal? Go ahead, try it.
(3 seconds later)
STOP! WRONG! PATHECTIC! I'm glad you came to me before you preformed on stage with that crap. People would laugh at you and throw crap at you with things like bottles filled with rock and sometimes piss, which hurt by the way. Listen, I don't mean to offend, but your black metal skills are primarily nonexistent. But that's ok, I met people like you, so don't be ashamed. I'm here so you can know the true ways of black metal. Is it hard? Nah, as long as you follow the steps to be black metal, you be famous among the black metal community in no time.
What is Black Metal, and What is not Black Metal[edit | edit source]
So first off, let's begin by learning some things. Yes, I know I sound like a school teacher and realized you hate school because you suck at it, but hey, at least you'll do better in this subject than you do in math. Hell, alot of black metal musician’s probably didn't do well in school, with some exceptions like Dani Filth, who has a PhD. How screwed up is that?. Anyways, let's begin.
First, black metal is a type of heavy metal but with darker properties. It sounds like death metal due to the fact they use growling and sometimes screaming, but it's much darker than that. Second, black metal is not a band full of African Americans. If that was the case, it'll be called African metal, but it's not. Though a black person can be in one, depending if he/she is good enough. Let's move on.
Third, anything cute, cuddly, loving, grandmas, or anything like that is not black metal. Being emo is not black metal; they have their own genre. Anything not dark enough is not black metal. Singing a Lady Gaga song, even making it sound like black metal is hell fucking not black metal (you'll be burned at the stake for trying that). And finally, anything not black metal or anything that doesn't at least relates to it is not black metal. Got all that? Good, I'm glad we got that all cleared up. Moving on.
History of Black Metal[edit | edit source]
Dressing Up[edit | edit source]
In order to be black metal, you must dress up black metal. Even your underwear must be black metal. Let's get started by first taking off all that crappy clothing. No I don't really care about you getting naked in front of me. No I am not an homosexual; when I see people wearing shit similiar to what you're currently wearing, I honestly don't give a fuck. But so that you won't get humiliated by those jerkoffs that actually do give a fuck, you can wear this Snuggie, black metal version (I made it myself). Now, let’s get you into the right type of clothing. Now when it comes to black metal clothing, most stores like Wal-Mart and Target have very little in their shelves. Even stores like American Eagle have the same problem. Luckily, we do have stores that have some stores with such clothing, so there's no need to panic. Ah, heres a good place; Hot Topic. They have many things that relate to the genres of rock, metal, and so on. No doubt they'll have items of the black metal genre. I don't want to look like your mother who is trying to pick out clothing for you, so I'll let you decided yourself. Whoa, whoa, not so fast. You thought you had it easy, didn't you? Sorry to disappoint. Since you're new to the genre, I have a list of what is required as well as recommended in order to wear what the super stars of black metal wear. The list includes the following:
- Black Metal Shirt
- Black Metal Pants
- Black Metal Shoes
- Black Metal Socks
- Black Metal Underwear
- Black Metal Make-Up
- Black Metal Accessories
Alright, here you go. Take your time, and pick out the right clothing or else I'll take out a flamethrower and burn you're outfit with you in it, and make you go back in there again once you're out of the hospital. Have fun!
(2 and a half hours later)
Ah, you're finally done? Ok good, let me take a good look at you. Hmmmmmmmmm......
Not bad. Not bad at all. I think you're getting the hang of this already.
