User:Ironfist/Castlevania
“So you like Playing Castlevania don't you?”
“Who are all these people, and why are they dressed up like complete idiots?”
“AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”
Castlevania, known as Aku's Magic Dracula 悪魔城ドラキュラ in Japan, is a video game series created and developed by Bram Stoker. The series debuted in England, May 1897, for the hardback book, followed by an alternate version in the movie theatre starring Bela Lugosi, as Count Blackula, in 1930. Although the series was released outside of England first for the movie theatre, it did not gain widespread acclaim until the book was ported to paperback.
The game has been adapted to movie, TV, videogame consoles and every single form of media in existence.
Games[edit | edit source]
The very first console title, Castlevania, released for the NESSIE in 1986 by Konami, was a typical platform game in which the player takes the role of a leather fetishist armed with a whip, Simon Belmont, descended from a family of lion tamers and dominatrixes. He travels to Count Chockula's demonic castle, Sesame Street, and fights his way through the castle destroying the Count from Sesame Street himself. Belmont's weapon of choice is a stupidly long leather whip, while the secondary weapons are powered by hearts, collected by ripping them out of enemies and sentient candles. Secondary weapons available are Daggers, Holy Fizzy Water, Monty Python's Flying Axe and the Boomerang-esque Flying Cross Circus. Hidden items such as power-ups and food (health replenishment) items are also found by attacking brick blocks within the levels, a feature plagiarised from Nintendo's Super Mario Comrades with countless hidden items across the game's levels.
Dracula, or the Undead was released in the West End theatres and took a Metroidvania style of play, long before Metroid or even Castlevania even existed. Theatre-goers were encouraged to participate in open-ended gameplay, until ultimately dying inside Count Duckula's Castle because they were shit at videogames.
NES Days[edit | edit source]
Castlevania Plot[edit | edit source]
One night after not getting payed in full as a lion master at Dracula's carnival, Simon Belmont decides to storm that vampire's castle and kill every living being in sight. he battles many horror cliches along the way. Even Death himself makes an appearance and can be killed. After making it to Dracula's room, Simon starts whipping Dracula to death and let me tell you, He whips it good. After that. Well, Simon decides to become a vampire slayer.
Castlevania II: Simon's Quest[edit | edit source]
One day while eating leftovers, Simon is approached by some voodoo woman who tells him he's dying of some weird curse and the only way to break it is find the remains of Dracula and destroy them. One annoying thing about this game that stupid fuckin text box that appears every five minutes telling you it's nighttime. If you're trying to get to a store and that box, appears...Well you are S.O.L my friend.
Castlevania III[edit | edit source]
Castlevania III introduced the whiny bitch named Trevor Belmont. Many gamers relate to him.
Well The Belmont's and the Draculet's have been estranged for quite a while. But one day Trevor who is a Belmont and Juzie who is a Draculet fall in love and all hell breaks lose. So anyway Dracula takes Juzie back to his awesome castle so Trevor can't get her. But since Trevor's love for Juzie is so strong he goes after her, but when he gets there she is sleeping, since back then they didn't know of something called a pulse(even if they did, vampires don't have pulses, so it wouldn't be very useful knowledge) he thought she was dead. So kills himself cause he goes emo, sadly at the this very moment Juzie wakes up and sees Trevor dead on the floor and is all like "Finally" and she goes back to sleep.
Not NES days[edit | edit source]
That's right, castlevania has made the transition to some of the most high tech game systems ever, like the Sega Genesis
Castlevania Harmony of Dissonance[edit | edit source]
Castlevania HoD revolved around Juste Belmont, Dracula's son who Simon adopted and raised some 50 years, though Juste is only in his 20's. The story goes that Juste's woman, Lydie, and his best friend, Maxim, who he later finds out was being possessed by Dracula because he's a necrophiliac and was carrying around Dracula's remains, run off to Dracula's castle. Maxim says that Lydie was kidnapped, even though he locked her in a room and blindfolded her so he could have his way with her later. So Juste is forced to explore the castle twice because he's an idiot and can't read a map for crap. Oh yeah, there's also some queer for a merchant. Yeah that's right, a homosexual merchant. Anyways, back to Juste. He runs in to Maxim and calls him an Emo retard for being worried about him and Lydie, then later talking about feeding Juste his own nutsack. Juste later responds by abusing his friend on one side of the castle, then going to the identical room on the other side to find his friend on the floor and beg him to live, then runs off like a douche and never speaks of him again. The game ends when Juste finally finds Lydie, then takes her to some room he decided to furnish with random things, tosses her onto the king-sized bed, and rapes her forevermore. Dracula later returns and takes over the world (and places cameras within the room while Juste continues his raping in the shower) Making millions in the real estate and porn industries.
ThE FuTuRe[edit | edit source]
Soma Cruz saves his girlfriend but turns into Dracula but gets killed by a Belmont.
TEH RAEL FUTR[edit | edit source]
(If you didn't be a lazy ass and leave the ending at the above^)
Soma Cruz's friends help him see that his girlfriend was actually a hallucination made by the evil bitch, and the journey to keel ze evilz takes Soma to the very bottom of the castle's foundations (Look, dinosaur bones! Look, ANIMATED DINOSAUR BONES! AAAHHHHH!!) After killing Death (What?), Soma goes through the gateway of hell itself. On the left is the bathroom. Next to that is the skin removal room.
Soma battles through Hell and fights Dimitri, who has eaten so many souls, his stomach implodes and makes his body warp into some insane clusterfuck of a hell-spawn that is really easy to defeat by punching it in the FACES.
Happy ending. Real ending. Game is done.
Things That Will Always Happen[edit | edit source]
Anyway the Belmonts will always kill Vampires and the Vampires will always get killed by the Belmonts.
SOON[edit | edit source]
The new Castlevania game "Order of Uncyclopedia" is almost out
Not so much of a FREAK OUT!
References[edit | edit source]
