User:IMBJR/Expired Goods Festival

King of the first Expired Goods Festival, a tin of Condensed Milk from 1994

The King of the first Expired Goods Festival uncrowned

The Expired Goods Festival is a new secular holiday designed to replace Easter. Its official, fixed date is April the 2nd, but it is intended to replace any given day during the period of Easter.

The Festival is a homeless family-orientated celebration and begins on the morning of the appointed Easter day. Here is the sequence of events that should be followed to properly take part in the festival:

1. The family members of a household (or boxhold) shall wait for a signal from the Matriarch of the homestead to begin the Search for the Festival King. The signal shall be a sort of can't-be-bothered-with-the-lot-of-you wave of the hands. The Matriarch herself can take part in the Search, but it more proper that she perform her assigned role during the festival.
2. Each member of the family is then shooed away prior to searching the home's food cupboards for nominations for the title of King of the Festival.
3. Each nominee found is to be handed to the Matriarch for Judging. Eventually, the Matriarch shall call a halt to the Search, once a suitable number of nominees has been collected.
4. The Matriarch shall then perform the ritual of the Judging. The oldest packet or can of goods is to be declared the King of the Festival. Where two or more nominees have the same expiry date on them, the item with the rustiest or most scuffed and faded packaging shall be deemed the King.
5. The King shall then be Uncrowned by the Matriarch, or by the family member who found the King, by which is meant that the contents of the King shall be opened to the air so that the King may breathe. A ceremonial bowl may be used for this part of the festival, but the bowl should be destroyed thereafter.
6. Finally, each and every member of the home shall then smell the Uncrowned King and in so doing honour the strength of the King's endurance in the kitchen of the Matriarch. Gagging on the King is not permitted and is to be considered a dishonour to the King.

The 2006 Pretender to the Throne

2006's Pretender King. Unfortunately, his petition was voided by being emptied.

2006 saw a pretender arise from the very stables that the Condensed Milk came from. However, a foolish unskilled novice emptied the contents of the pretender before the jar could be documented as evidence for formal voting. This is a real shame as the pretender dates back to 1993.

The festival organisers did, however, manage to gather some interesting information on the pretender:

• The current price for a jar of Black Strap Molasses is now 83p - whereas it was 68p in 1993.

• Current food regulations state that such a jar has a shelf life of two years!!!

The 2007 Winner of the Festival

2006 was a disappointment, but 2007 has yielded exceptional results.

From the same pit of evil that had brought us the Condensed Milk and the Molasses, gaze upon a relic of Mullet-time:

The 2007 Winner. Cayenne Pepper from the 80s!

Controversy does, however, dog this entry. Careful examination of the photograph reveals that it was probably taken during Christmas of 2006, which means it should have been crowned King then. However, the majority of judges have accepted that April the 2nd is the correct time for the coronation of a food relic.

Given that our aged-food miners frequently go down into the depths of the source of all of this out-of-date horror, it is surprising that new finds still surface. One shudders to think what also may be revealed this year, as reports have been received that suggest at least two other expeditions are planned this year alone. We can only pray that they do not locate something so ancient that it would rend a hole in time-space itself.