User:Hyperbole/Wendy Thomas
“So what if she's twelve? She's the only god damn female in the entire world of fast food mascots. A nigga can't live on Filets-O-Fish alone!”
“Fuck yeah, I kicked that cheating whore out. Little tramp comes home with white makeup all over her collar? I showed that bitch the door.”
“...”
Melinda "Wendy" Thomas (born September 17, 1967 behind a Taco Bell in Orlando, Florida) is a girl with red hair that she wears in braids. Despite being 41 years old, her appearance has not changed since she was twelve, giving rise to the theory that she has entered into a pact with the devil.
Thomas once enjoyed a reputation as "America's Sweetheart"; however, a spate of recent bizarre behaviors, including cheating on her long-time cranially-enhanced companion Jack, attacking a paparazzi photographer with an umbrella, and biting a man's finger off and hiding it in some chili, have sullied her public image.
Biography[edit | edit source]
Thomas was born to fast food magnate "Super Dave" Thomas and, as was customary in 1967, was immediately entered into an arranged marriage with "Mike In N' Out," the then-40-year-old line drawing who served as a mascot for In N' Out burger. Scandalously, in the late '70s, her marriage was annulled when questions began to surface about In N' Out's sexual adequacy.
In 1968, Thomas gained notoriety when she appeared on national television, interrupting the final moments of an American Football League game between the New York Jets and the Oakland Raiders, and causing a national uproar. To this day, football fans occasionally hurl bottles of beer at Thomas at her rare public appearances.
In 1979, at age twelve, Thomas married Jack, a high-powered CEO with a severe case of hydrocephalus. Dedicated activists, Thomas and Jack worked together to combat the gentrification of Fry Guy neighborhoods, but their activism, along with their marriage, was not destined to last.
Personal challenges[edit | edit source]
In early 2007, at age twelve, Thomas filed for divorce with Jack, citing easily reconciliable differences. Celebrity blogger Perez Hilton soon discovered the reason whilst blowing one of Thomas's bodyguards: Thomas had been engaging in secret rendezvouses with Ronald McDonald, an African-American comedian best known for performing magic tricks in whiteface.
Things began to unravel for Thomas soon afterwards. She was spotted at a beauty salon attempting to shave her head, but her braids proved too hard for the razor, which exploded in a shower of sparks. Sources reported that she was staying up all night at area clubs, drinking as many as twenty-five Frosties on a nightly basis. On September 14, 2007, Thomas's twelfth birthday, she viciously attacked a paparazzi with an umbrella, beating him within an inch of his life (but preventing him from getting his hair wet). The battered photographer sued Thomas for voluntary mayhem, but later settled the case out of court in exchange for a voucher for a lifetime supply of chili.
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Events came to a head in early 2008, when a disheveled and exhausted Thomas was arrested and booked into to the Alameda County Jail, a fortress-like prison noted for holding such undesirables as The Hamburglar. Soon, details began to surface: during an extremely heated game of beer pong, Thomas had bitten a man's finger off. Panicking, Thomas lured the man into a McDonald's, where she chloroformed him (chloroform being a key ingredient in the Filet-O-Fish), chained him to the deep fryer, and tried to conceal his finger in a vat of chili labeled "rancid - do not serve".
Unbeknownst to Thomas, that label existed only to misdirect the health inspector, (a dull-witted, seven-foot tall, indescribable purple lump), and the chili was served the very next week to one Anna Ayla, a Las Vegas woman with almost superhuman strength, no understanding of pronouns or linking verbs, and an irrational hatred of reptiles. Ayla dutifully filed a lawsuit upon finding the finger, but later settled the case out of court in exchange for a voucher for a lifetime supply of chili.
Recently, while released on bail pending trial, Thomas has begun appearing in photos seated next to that weird cowboy hat thing from Arby's, looking into the space where it might have eyes, and smiling suggestively. What is that thing, anyway? Is it a hat? Or some kind of oven mitt?
Asked to comment, McDonald politely refused. He then offered reporters a bag of cheeseburgers for three dolla. When reporters declined, McDonald reportedly added: "I'll suck your dick, maaan." As a result, rumors have begun to swirl that McDonald is addicted to a semi-food-like substance known on the street as "McNugget," and that his addiction has driven Thomas to seek comfort in the arms of another man.
Of course, "man" might be an overstatement. "Arms," too. Honestly, I really don't know how that even works between them, if you know what I mean. As Barbara Walters recently remarked on The View, maybe Thomas should have just held on to the finger for those lonely moments.