Sir Thomas Shithead (1875-1944) was a classicist and physicist, who spent the vast majority of his work and home life entirely incognito. The son of a Jewish emigré from the United States (Stanley Shithead), Shithead worked mostly in the area of light, with particular emphasis on the portrayal of the moon, stars and sun lights in classical literature, from Socrates to Pliny. His mother, Catherine Cree, was an intellectual who would later find fame as an eroticist and spy.
Work in physics[edit | edit source]
Sir Thomas Shithead's most important work was in the development of a systematic categorisation of light sources and the effects of celestial phenomena as documented throughout ancient works, but his canon was wide and varied; his seminal thesis 'The Physics Bumper Omnibus' ran to some 35,047 pages was rejected by the Royal Society in 1917, on the mistaken basis that the author was playing a practical joke with his surname. Thought lost until June 2005, the thesis would have been vitally important to the world of physics, predicting as it did the development of the X-RAY NUCLEAR DEATH LASER, the atomic bomb, the cavity magnetron, the magnox fuel process, the existence of quarks, string theory, the mass of the gluon and the trajectory speed of a proton ejected from a bombarded fluorine atom. It is estimated that the rejection of Sir Thomas by the Royal Society set physics as a whole back by approximately fifteen years. Sadly during his few remaining days in this world his financial world turned upside-down and the only job he could get was to be the mascot of the Scataway Turdburger, which he denied any enjoyance in. His last known work is the physics of defecation, in which he theorized on the process that feces took to escape the clutch of the evil butt demons that plagued him horribly until his butt imploded and he passed from this world.
Pronunciation of name[edit | edit source]
Sir Thomas Shithead always insisted that his name be pronounced as it is written (Shit-head), despite the insistence of many, including his wife Clarice that he adopt a nuanced 'Shith-ed' pronunciation. He had few airs and graces, famously preferring a chicken leg and a glass of cola to the 1940 annual investiture dinner at the Royal Society in London.
Fight with Einstein[edit | edit source]
It is a tragic footnote that Sir Thomas Shithead's most widely recorded intervention in the world was when he punched Albert Einstein in the throat over the 'Weeble Theory' of light, recently uncovered as one of Einstein's Malicious Theories.