User:Hrodulf/How I Survived Being Skinned Alive and Eaten by a Bear
How I survived being skinned alive and eaten by a bear[edit | edit source]
By: Something McLaughlin[edit | edit source]
Chapter One[edit | edit source]
One day I was walking through the woods, like the manly man that I am, blowing trees down with my breath and such other manly feats of manliness, when I came across two giant woodchucks, who were very upset. I asked my woodland friends what was wrong.
"Oh Mr. McLaughlin," they cried, "our homes are being attacked by the people of indeterminate race and gender!"
I knew that this meant trouble. Big trouble. So I went to seek out the lair of the people of indeterminate race and gender.
I found them soon enough, but I couldn't seem to make any headway against their evil. Soon they had caught me and let me know of my horrible fate:
"You will be skinned alive and we will wear your skin and therefore finally be able to have a race and a gender. However we are compassionate so we will get you loaded first so that it will not hurt so bad."
They put forth in front of me a cornucopia of alcohol the like of which the world had never seen. There was gin. There was scotch. There was mead. There was ale. There was . . . you get the idea.
I got completely loaded, and after they judged I was far gone enough, they peeled me like a grape. It tickled.
"Great, now what am I supposed to do with no skin," I said.
"Go seek out the bears, maybe they can fix you up. But look out because they're very hungry" they said, happy to have a race and gender at last.
I went to the bears' hideout, and they made a deal; if I let them clone me with their cloning machine made of wood and twigs and dirt, then they would give me some bearawana, which would give me skin again (and also, as a side effect, turn me into a bear). I agreed to this, since I didn't have much of a choice. After watching my clone be eaten alive, I returned to civilization, as a bear.
Luckily, I was chosen to be on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy, and they all said that the bear look was "Over" so they gave me a shave and fixed me up.
The End.
P.S. Kids, eat your vegetables and don't try to be skinned alive or take bear drugs. That stuff is only for manly men like myself, not you.