User:Goodwood/Land whale
Land whales, otherwise known as obeasts, are a subspecies of Human most noteworthy for their highly distinctive and difficult-to-overlook anatomical differences relative to the baseline established by preceding generations, as well as possessing of an unprecedented appetite within the animal kingdom. It is unknown when precisely this subspecies branched off of the standard Homo sapians, but it is believed by modern taxonomists that the event occurred at some point prior to World War I.5, otherwise known as the Second Bored War.
The features of the land whale that mark its distinctiveness are legion, ranging from the relatively benign addition of chins (starting at three, with the record-holding catch possessing twenty-one), to the highly-disturbing sight of distended bellies that could comfortably house a family of four provided they wore acid-proof hazmat suits 24/7. Other distinguishing characteristics include the use of mobility scooters, flabs of flesh hanging from limbs like carpets from a clothesline, multiple rows of "breasts" formed by the squashing action of actual breasts on subsequent layers of fat (this has been known to manifest in both genders), and a body-mass index of five pounds of fat for every ounce of muscle.
Despite the obvious and obnoxious toll they take on civilization, societal pressures have begun to favor the land whale as such creatures and their advocates take over places like tumblr and reddit. The tactic of choice when advocating for the preservation and acceptance of this unendangered subspecies is the self-proclaimed "fight" against "fat shaming," which is often dubbed as "fat acceptance" or, worse, "body love". Land whales are known by sane people to be highly dangerous, especially when encountered in the wilderness or, their preferred environment, Wal*Mart. Avoid at all costs.