User:Gir./The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia
“Is this a religious pamphlet?”
“Read the FAQ.”
“You're not the mahdi, Oscar.”
“Obviously you didn't read the FAQ, Paul.”
The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia is a pamphlet released to help users navigate the uncyclopedia website. It is well known for having "Don't Panic" "Don't Picnic" "Don't Plagiarise" "Don't Forget To Buy Milk" "Don't Cha Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me" "Don't Be Stupid" "Don't Ban Me" "Don't Edit This" "Don't Huff This" written on the cover.
Early History of The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia[edit | edit source]
The earliest known form of The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia, a wiki streetmap of Athens, was first released in 400 BCE by Plato. In this time indoor plumbing and the Interweb used the same series of tubes, and Plato found that a lot of shit was submitted. Plato aked Aristotle to help out with his project, but Aristotle replied "hey, come check out this hot twink!" and the project was shelved.
The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia re-emerged in 22 AD as a religious text. Most of the passages were about navigating the streets of Athens, but the followers of the burgeoning religious movement really had nothing better to do. At the First Council of Nicaea in 325 AD the pamphlet was edited to become a maintenance guide for the 1959 Ford Prefect 1986 Ford Festiva. Religious scholars believe The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia was under guard in a secret monastary until stolen by ninja cartographers.
The Guide was rediscovered in 571 AD by a very young Muhammad. Muhammad didn't have much use for a pamphlet on car repair seemingly written by ninjas in order to navigate the streets of Athens, and unsuccessfully tried to sell it on numerous occasions. Eventually, he decided to keep it when he received a 1986 Ford Prefect as dowry. In 610 AD, Muhammad's 1986 Ford Festiva needed new mags, so Muhammad retreated to a cave after 1337 of his close friends told him to 'RTFM'. Muhammad got sidetracked on a different project, possibly his second album 'Boo-Ya! From The Cave', and The Guide was believed lost for hundreds of years, although it wasn't lost it was just in some cave.
Some Uncyclopedian scholars believe Vikings used The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia to find North America, which might explain some of The Guide's more esoteric FAQ passages such as "Where are we?" and "Have we got any food left? as well as the ever popular "HowTo: Stay Alive In A Frozen Wasteland". As such, for a short period of time, The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia seems to have been a cookbook brought to Europe by a few well-fed Vikings. Most of the cannibalistic passages were likely removed in order to make room for tales of Viking pillaging. This is probably how The Guide re-emerged in the 14th century as a training manual for pirates.
As a pirate training manual, The Guide's content shifted almost exlusively to pornography. This version of the Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia was often the source of inspiration for artists like Edvard Munch, Orson Welles, and Sir Mix-a-Lot. A young medical student, Alfonso Clawe, came across The Guide and decided that it was a pretty good way to teach anatomy. Dr. Clawe and his groundbreaking treatise "Inspect Her Gadget" took the burgeoning medical profession by storm. In 1858AD Henry "The Winkler" Gray released 'Grey's Anatomy', a complex study of the sexual promiscuity and venereal diseases common in modern hospitals. The medical profession grew to prefer this text over The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia.
In 1852AD Johnny Cochrane used The Guide as evidence in the landmark case of Butter v. Margarine. The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia filtered through the legal community for several years and in 1867AD it was used as a template for the British North America Act. The success of this act did not go unnoticed, and in 1900AD The Guide was copied word-for-word and became both the Australian Constitution and the country's national anthem. The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia was growing in popularity among constitutional scholars, but this ended when in 1914AD when Sid Meier was briefly killed in Delaware by ninja assasins. Constitutional scholars were given guns and told to kill ninjas.
In the Interwar period, The Guide was used as a coaster in speakeasies and a street directory for Athens, Georgia. In 1939AD, a ninja convention in Las Vegas was exploded starting a worldwide conflict. During the war, The guide became the training manual for naval seamen to communicate with one another in semaphore. The most popular part of The Guide at this time was 'HowTo:Convince People You're a Heterosexual Male'.
The modern incarnation of The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia[edit | edit source]
The modern form of the Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia came about in 1970AD when Oscar Wilde and Steve Jobs came across the pamphlet during a two-man 'Love-in' to protest the arms race in the latest pirates versus ninjas conflict. Wilde saw that the constant editing of The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia had created what can only be described as pure nonsense, but seemed to have a pretty solid foundation as a guidebook due to the incorporation of a street directory and maps to buried treasure. Wilde decided that The Guide could help people navigate his greatest creation, the Uncyclopedia. Oscar Wilde and some of Shakespeare's monkeys worked on the pamphlet for a number of years until the monkeys formed a union and demanded more faeces. Wilde fired the monkeys and moved the operation to New Mexico, which explains the inordinate amount of tequila references in the latter pages. The incomplete version of The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia was unveiled in January 2005AD by George W. Bush, who used it as his inaugural address to celebrate the American conquest of Greenland. Since it's unveiling, The Hitchhiker's Guide To Uncyclopedia has slowly devolved into what it is today, a pornographic street map of athens.
See also[edit | edit source]
(Gir. 01:50, 24 March 2007 (UTC))