User:Ggarfield/Sex Positions
"Dogs are man's best friend. Sex positions are man's better friend. Sex positions for men and dogs together are man's bestest friend." - Oscar Wilde on Sex Positions
"In Soviet Russia, Sex position uses YOU!!" - Russian Reversal on Sex Positions
Sex Positions are the positions in which humans have sexual intercourse. Types of sex positions include: positions for straight people/vaginal sex, positions for lesbians, positions for gay people (anal sex), and positions for black people. Because we hate gays and aren't super big on black people, we will focus on lesbians and straight people.
Straight People[edit | edit source]
There are at least 4 known sex positions for vaginal sex, and we will cover them all here:
Doggy style is the most popular sex position in the U.S., Europe, and Canada. It is so named because missionaries in Africa in the 1700s convinced black men that they could screw their wives in a way similar to the way they screwed their dogs, thus eliminating a need for the later (which was kind of gross).
Missionary Position is a boring sex position used by men who are sad as fuck (as in pathetic) and women who aren't particularly interested in the whole process.
Woman on Top is a sex position women with control issues like to use. They do it so that if the man tries to "come' before the woman is done, she can throw herself backwards splitting the mans dick into two pieces. While many women love this sex position, "real men" never agree to use it.
Finally, a real bed burner, Reverse Missionary, is a favorite of famous playboy Oscar Wilde. It was actually invented by another famous playboy, Ralph Waldo Emerson. To use this position simply begin having sex in boring old Missionary Position and then ask someone to flip both of you from one mattress over onto another so that the woman is on top of the man, but under the first bed, and the man is on top of the second bed, but under the woman. If necessary, you can remove the first bed and go for the open-faced reverse missionary sex position. For the really adventures, try the open-faced reverse missionary sex position with lettuce, tomatoes, pickles, and hollandaise sauce.
"OMG! It is So totally awesome" - Girl on Oscar Wilde on Reverse Missionary.
Lesbians[edit | edit source]
Lesbians don't actually need sex positions because anything they do together naked is awsome, and can be considered sex! Oral sex is a favorite of lesbians everywhere.
