User:Forty Whacks/Article about stuff
"IT'S ALIIIIIIVE! ALIVE! IT'S...Oh shit have I fucked up."
~Dr. Frankenstein on his creation.
"Jewish bitch gave me crabs."
~Josef Mengele on Katie Price.
"*Blurk!*"
~Oscar Wilde exposed to a photograph of Katie Price.
"All that whore ever done fer me; is givin' me this bunch of crabs. An' I don't mean them crustaceans un'er the fuckin' wate'."
~Davy Jones on Katie Price.
"But I'm going to be a star, innit? Me Mum sez I'm like, like, Jordan."
~a typical British 16 year old Chavette after being told for the 50th time to reconsider her choice of GCSEs.
"That bleached bitch gave me crabs."
~Xerxes, god-king of the Persian Empire, on Katie Price.
Jordan, also well known as Katie Price AKA Jordan,
began her life modestly in Brighton in 1867, when discovered in a trash dumpster outside of ASDA's by a hungry Orangutan Vyvyan Basterd. The young Katie Price was promptly looked over and ignored as the Orangutan took a higher interest on a half-eaten Turkey Twizzler and left her to be found by a smoker-lunged employee later in the day. The smoker-lunged employee took in the little foundling as a mother would to her own child; mainly taking a better interest in sucking the nicotine off 10 packets a day --like a 2 year old child on a vimto lolly. Or like an air lock chute--while keeping the child in a semi-permanent limbo in the downstairs closet til the age of 34.
But as it was the 1800s, Katie Price had expectations to live up to as a pre-feminist society woman. By the age of four Katie Price went through the standard grueling training put upon many British girls in consuming massive quantities of baked beans and chips to develop enough fat tissue to form imitations of breasts. These mounds of fat would then be squeezed into a sling tied behind the girl's neck and be kept into the desired 'buttock'-like shape 24/7--one of the most curiosity-inducing traditions of body modification in archaic England.
Katie Price also went through the coming-of-age ritual by being marked as a woman with permanent full body fake tan and flat-ironed hair; thus separating her from the rest of the tribe Chavlings and allowing her to come into the world of adult privileges.
There Katie was fully accepted with open arms (and trouser flys) of all the tribe, but something nagged to her neanderthal cranium. Perhaps it was her unknown roots that made her feel like an outsider, but whatever it was, Katie Price was not satisfied with the thought of shitting out 9,000 Chavlings, feeding off Government benefits and surviving on the natural Manna of Bacardi Breezers. Instead, Katie Price wanted to make the whole world remember her.
While discussing this in her 6th birthday during a slumber party, her fellow Chav-mate gave her the idea to start a career on SYTO (Shooting Your Tits Out), the oldest and most prestigious career in Britain. It was the seed that was about to breathe life to Jordan.