User:Fluffy/AFL Umpire
Noted for their sensitivity to criticism, the AFL "umpires" are actually a diminutive race of parasitic creatures known as the 'fare evaders'. These miserable life forms survive on negative energy which they aquire from the crowd by making poor calls intentionally on a weekly basis in order to stay alive.
The 'Fair Umpire'[edit | edit source]
The 'fair umpire' is in fact a mythical creature of Australian folklore, a fantastical concept made up by the minds of football fans nation-wide. The AFL itself does not actually like our current umpires, but in order to pass the time they have made a game of the whole 'shit umpires' situation. Whenever an individual who is involved with the football world says the word 'umpire', everybody must run around the circle and sit down in the chair closest to them when the music stops. Whoever is left without a seat is out of the game.
James Hird[edit | edit source]
As one of the first to be kicked out of the above game, James Hird upset the AFL when he exclaimed on the Footy Show that musical umpires was a "shit game anyway". He quit his career as a footballer and went on a vigilante mission to make football fair. For his crusade of violence, Hird enlisted the help of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. She joined him on his mission and changed her name to Buffy the Umpire Slayer. The two managed to wreak havoc and avoid capture for 18 months, taking out 1200 field umpires along the way. Though fans for the most part were shocked and appalled at Hird's actions, none could disagree that Darren Goldspink had it coming. Hird was punished with 24 hours of community service to be spent at Arden Street fixing up North Melbourne's laughable facilities. He was let off the hook after promising to the jury that he wouldn't do it again.