User:Feebas factor/Uchiha Itachi
This time I'll do it right... Well, maybe. That is, if there ever actually becomes a place in Uncyclopedia for these sort of character-specific articles
Uchiha Itachi
“There seems to be some animosity between these two brothers.”
“I'd really prefer Naruto...”
The story[edit | edit source]
Itachi was the preferred rent-boy of the Uchiha Clan in the village of Cojona, due to his phenomenal sexual prowess and ability to use his Sharingan (which is basically like sex using your eyeballs) to copy any sexual technique - even from seedy hentai series such as LA Blue Girl. Meanwhile, his younger brother, Sasuke Uchiha, spent his childhood suffering from barely repressed homosexual tendencies. This, combined with Sasuke's frustration at not being able to use his Sharingan (or his penis), drove him into a depressive incestuous funk that he dealt with by trying to catch up with his brother. He attempted to learn and perform the fire techniques that the Uchiha Clan specialised in, but with no pubic hairs to help fuel the blaze, he was unable to perform it as well as Itachi, whose proficiency with it was so high he used it to remove all his body hair with no adverse effects.
On a dark and clichéd night...[edit | edit source]
Little did Sasuke know that Itachi was deeply bitter about being used as a fuck toy by all the men in the village. One dark starless night, when the moon was full (ugh), he used his new-found power of the Manloveyou Sharingan to rape everyone in the Uchiha clan to death. When little Sasuke ran home later that night, he found his parents slumped on the floor with their asses exploded, seemingly from severe overdose of anal rape. When the culprit stepped out of the shadows, it was none other than his own brother Itachi, who admitted to Sasuke that he had obtained the power of the Manloveyou Sharingan only by raping his best friend, Uchiha Shisui, to death. Itachi then used one of the techniques available only to Manloveyou Sharingan users, the Tsuckmeoff, a genjutsu that allowed Itachi to enter the mind of the victim and rape them in the ass for up to three days straight. After a mere few seconds in this strange world of illusionary penetration, Sasuke broke down, saying he now knew how goatse felt. When he asked Itachi why he would do such horrific things, he merely replied "I wanted to test the limits of my penis"... or something like that.
Sasuke was very distraught from this point on, and sunk into a deep state of depression. Without his brother's, um, love, he turned to garnering affection from others in the only way he knew how: being really, really emo. Unfortunately, everyone hates emos, with the possible exception of hyperactive orange retards. Meanwhile, Itachi joined a gang and went on to live a life of crime, later being promoted to a life of evil. With this promotion came a number of perks, including a badass cloak, a lifetime supply of purple nail-polish (the colour of homosexuality EVIL) and his own personal man-shark. From here on he travelled the lands in shadows, working as a lethal assasin, a male (?) prositute, and most evil of all... a distributor of unlicensed music tabs!
He also once guessed-starred on the unpopular anime series "Naruto".