User:Dweem/Pardus
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“Amish Pickles?What kind of game has Amish Pickles in it?”
“Pardus fags”
Welcome to Pardus, a (semi) free MMOBG that has been ripped off multiple multiple times including the game Elite. This article was put here by the pardusians so that we may teach you humbly how to play the game and partake properly in it's rituals. However, if you EVER have any questions about pardus, shut up and RTFA! (Read The Fucking Article)
The basics[edit | edit source]
At the very beginning, you start in the tutorial. If you were smart you started reading this article BEFORE you even started thinking about joining. If you hadn't, you're doomed to never beat pardus (discussed later). All you need to know right now, at the very beginning, is NOT TO MOVE! Do not click anywhere on the map except the little blob of metal (that's your ship). Walk out to the local shoes store, and buy a pair of ruby red slippers then go home (wear them home, they make you look pretty). Once you've done that, remove your shirt while wearing your new slippers, click on that blob three times, and then say "I want to be a pardusian" while doing a jumping jack on your desk chair. Don't mind all the people looking at you from over the cubicles in shock&awe, they're just jealous of your ruby red slippers and that you're a pardusian.
The Tutorial[edit | edit source]
The tutorial universe is a magical and beautiful place. Upon starting the tutorial, you may get a bizarre fuzzy sensation (WARNING: This is NOT puberty and if your seeking this elusive stage in your development feel free to ask the abundant females to flash you if they fly by) in your legs and feel strange yet powerful urges to question every aspect of your tutorial existence... They are usually extremely deep philosophical questions like, "How do I move?", "Why can't I attack anyone?" and "Where am I?". For this purpose, we have people called 'guides'. They are people who have been punished by the elite authorities to be obligated to help 'Newbz' no matter what they say. Feel free to start firing off your deep philosophical questions at them rapidly to seek out their opinion, and once you have sucked them dry of information, feel free to call them any name you like, they aren't there because they're good people after all ;)
After that[edit | edit source]
After all your co-workers are jealous of your new ruby slippers, feel free to start playing. Your magical ruby slippers have gotten you past the tutorial, and can do almost anything for you in pardus. However, you don't need those slippers anymore!
(But keep wearing them, they're pretty). You are now in a sabre named after the cute and cuddly Sabre-tooth rabbit. This name however is a misnomer that confuses even the oldest player, the sabre is one of the most vicious and fearsome ships in the galaxy surpassing even the cinderblocks! To the right we have a typical example of a sabre imposing its dominance over a few gloves. However, if you ever want to get true power you need to learn which ship does what, and use them for your advantage.
True power[edit | edit source]
Now that you've completely finished the tutorial, we need to send you on your way to gain true power. You need a few things before you can truly be the 1337est in the universe, but for now you need material wealth! Now you can start moving from your planet and start looking around. What you need to get now is a fully equipped Star destroyer. Look around until you find a greyish building that resembles a stardestroyer, that's an old one that's being recycled to be used as a so-called Smelter. Now, remember your ruby red slippers? If you're still wearing them, Congratulations! The most important thing you need in pardus are your ruby red slippers. If you took them off, then J00 F/\|LZ0R @ P/\R0|_|5!!! Only a true nooblet would take off his ruby red slippers, by keeping them on you have proved to everyone that you are a true pardusian!
Now, we must work on getting your star destroyer. One you're there, buy as many of the so called "metal" as you can. Once you can no longer buy any more, attack the building. If it has no defenses, keep raiding it until you have all the metal in it. If you're japanese and it has defenses, mine as much of the fuel from that tile as you can then keep attacking it until your ship explodes! This kamikaze style method will work against ALL building defenses. Once your ship is destroyed, go back to the smelter from your planet again and keep attacking it! It no longer has any defenses on it and you can raid it as much as you like! Once there is no metal in it, it will shortly become your personal star destroyer in a few hours, but right now you're probably out of your AP (Amish pickles) so go right back to your planet and close your browser window till tomorrow.
Alliances[edit | edit source]
Once you have begun to get a good grasp on your flight controls, you may have noticed there are alliances in Pardus. At the very top of the list is the Galactic Council, a team made up of the worst pilots ever. Whenever they talk in chat, they have a lighter background, since they couldn't even afford the darker colored paint. Most older pilots are amazed at these newbs for still playing, and will always ask for free stuff from them as well as sitting in their lap, petting them on their head, or even attempting to kill them. All attempts fail.
Below the council of newbs is the best alliance ever created, The Free Trade Syndicate (FTS). This alliance is the home of the famous Welt. Free Trade Syndicate is well known for eating bunnies and babies of all sorts. Whenever a pilot of this alliance is to be seen, they will be flying the elite ship, the Rustclaw. Fear their 1337ness and do not hover for long, or else be victim to their incessant join requests and building pricing changes. Rob them whenever possible, and always attack their buildings.
Many pilots, have tried to fight against the evil teachings of FTS, but have failed. Their miserable attempt at forcing Anti-FTS' propaganda to the Pardus universe can be seen in these pictures all around, for those of you newbs looking to learn how to avoid them, click on the thumbnails around and locate the bunny as fast as you can. Only quick timing and searching will help you get away alive from a FTS territory.
They will come alive in the 7th great war and conquer the ruins and remants of pardus as it has become! The only way to fight them off will be to NEVER join them, persuade their members to quit, and when the 7th great war comes, MURDER THEM ALL! Please show some support for the cause. As soon as you take your daily medicine, help to fight the spread of the FTS disease, known as Weltism. Typing :dry: in the chat at any time for any reason is a very strong symptom that you have befallen this sickness, and will already be craving your first taste of bunny. Seek mental help or join FTS.
Factions[edit | edit source]
Federation -The Federation is an incredibly awesome faction mostly consisting of 1337 h@xx0rz,stripmining n00bs,FTS and telerobbers.Fed economy is very active as shown by its polluted and stripmined space.A very good example is Andexa.
Fed ships is known for their beauty.And beauty only.They suck at everything else.
Union -Alright, listen up youse mugs. The Union is a gangsta faction, see? They ran a criminal syndicate in the Universe, yeah, especially during the war. Their hoods were running hot hooch in thier ritzy juice-joints, and they were making some serious mazuma. But they was to learn that everything was not jake, and soon Fedddies and Impies had the Union cooling their heels in the pokey.
Empire -
Artemis[edit | edit source]
The truth is that nobody cares about Orion and this silly FTS thing. The true place for a real man is Artemis, with its scheming and absolutely incompetent Empire, its overpowered (in contrast to Orion) Fed drives and the Union which hasn't learnt how to OSA yet.
Artemis is awesome. Orion is simply a cheap-ass knock-off full of dicks which could never match the sheer awesomeness that is Artemis becase of that.