User:Digi/There's Probably No God
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“There's lost of evidence for God's existence, like... err... shut up! That's what”
“Thank you for encouraging debate on the existence of God”
“Uh huh, I'll just keep quiet then”
“What's a "probably"?”
“Where's that fucking bus?”
The Atheist Bus Campaign aims to place patronising and smug messages about atheism on transport media in the UK. It was created by comedy writer Oscar Wilde and launched on 21 October 2008, with official support from the British Humanist Association and Richard Dawkins. The campaign's original goal was to raise £5,500 to run 30 buses across London for four weeks early in 2009 with the slogan: "There’s probably no God. Now stop worrying and enjoy your life."
Background[edit | edit source]
The campaign was established primarily as a childish response to similar evangelical Christian advertising, but the antagonism between Atheism and Religion go back further.
Religious Strife in the UK[edit | edit source]
The persecution of peace-loving atheists is a popular passtime in the UK as well as America and Everywhere Else. A recent MORI poll suggested that more than 60% of falling church attendence was a direct consequence of parishioners choosing to spend their Sundays on street corners verbally and physically abusing passing atheists, instead of attending church being verbally and physically (and sexually) abused themselves.
One of the main facilitators of Atheist-baiting was fundamentalist collaborator Richard Dawkins, who is rumoured to recieve money in exchange for informing church-avoiding theists the whereabouts of vulnerable atheists. Dawkins denies these rumours outright, claiming his only wish is for a world where rationalism and free thought is unshackled by religious bullshit.
In 2004 the Church of England decided something must be done about falling church attendence and issued a statement condemning the practice of skipping church to assault atheists. Archbishop Rowan Williams said:
“I know of priests who haven't had a shag in weeks thanks to prepubescent Altar Boys thinking they can just forget about church. Carinal McCormac has been whacking himself off for two months due to the scarcity of alcoholic teenage mums coming to confession. Reverend Healey's anger problems are frankly getting out of control, he condemned and excommunicated two random car salesmen just because he hasn't been able to do it for real in ages. It is sad cases like these which prompt the Church into action and for these reason we call on all Christians to reject the unholy practice of violence against atheists on a Sunday.”
Advertising Campaign[edit | edit source]
The church's call for the public to shun violence against atheists was largely successful, so successful that many prominant atheists complained that they no longer had any reason to feel that self-fulfilling pang of victimisation anymore. Whilst most atheists were content to whinge about this, a small band of non-believers led by sir Richard Dawkins decided to take matters further.
Fundraising Campaign[edit | edit source]
The idea for a self-righteous campaign came from prominant agitator Oscar Wilde, who invented atheism to justify his many acts of sodomy, instead of justly accepting eternal torture as a fitting consequence of having consensual sexual relations of a certain mode. It was while mentally drenched in seminal fluid that Wilde, contemplating the loss of victim status that the reduction of violence against atheists would imply, came upon the idea of needlessly annoying religious and the general public, in order to boost the levels of animosity in society.
To fund this campaign, Wilde went to suspected commoner Richard Dawkins who pledged to match the donation of the general public. This resulted, bizarely, in donations from thousands of dickheadspeople who desperately want to believe they are making some sort of positive contribution to the world wanting to express a postivie philosophical message to counter the milinarian propaganda of evangelical christianity.
Initial Response[edit | edit source]
Predictably the most virulant reaction to the proposed campaign came over the internet, with thousands of anonymous Christians pledging to kill Dawkins in the name of God and his many wives.
Dawkins responded by saying this was proof that all Religion was dangerous and should be phased out of human history. The British Humanist Association responded positively to the death threats saying that it was much needed post facto justification that they were needed.
The Campaign[edit | edit source]
On 32nd October 2008 the first buses bearing the agreed design were launched in London. The buses were met with widespread indifference by the general public initially, though a preliminary report by Richard Dawkins noted some successes such as at least one bus driver was reported to be so offended that he refused to drive the bus. This annecdote was cited by Dawkins as proof that religious fundamentalism was still raging in the heart of Western tradition and threatened to drive us back into a medieval world of witch burnings and stoning of women.
Reaction[edit | edit source]
After the initial torrent of public indifference a few people began to express their disapproval. Principally this was done by writing to local newspapers and composing long rambling emails to their member of parliament even though they were most likely deleted by spam filters due to the attrocious spelling and frequent mentions of Viagra, Nigerian Royalty, Rolex Watches and the letting down of women in the bedroom department.
One such letter written by Mr. A. Whole reads:
“It's a ubsulute discrace that this cuntries guvernmunt alluws thes ayfeeistick shit on hour bus. We didnut fite too cold wors just two allough sum[mation] cleavur cluggs two spout his eval beeleefees on pulbic trans-port. Not up to scratch in the bed dept? You need our cheap knock-off Rolex. Cli0R1s $$$ Euros. Euroipods for sale for free!!! Lube.”
Is was concise and lucid reaction like this the the Humanist societies wished to avoid. Things went from bad to worse, with long and largely unread blogs by poeple of all opinions filling the internet.
Counter-campaigns[edit | edit source]
In the face of widespread non-reaction from the general public, the Humanist campaign perservered. Things came to a head when reports flooded the blogosphere of a second Christian bus driver a bit miffed at the campaign. Things soon spiralled out of control until a third driver became "pretty damn fucked off" at the "bloody patronising bullshit on the side of the busses every morning", pretty soon the widespread triplicate anger was picked up by the church of St. Angry which initiated its own campaign.
The Angryman Church[edit | edit source]
The Church of St. Angry, founded in honour of Francis 'Angry Man' Winkler (who was Martyred in Leeds by some sick in 1984 of all years), raised £3,000 in order to fund a counter-campaign encouraging people to believe in God and not enjoy their lives.
The Church of St. Pascal[edit | edit source]
Blaise Pascal was canonised in 1902 for providing theists everywhere for a clever sounding last-ditch argument justifing the superiority of a belief in God.
Deist Campaign[edit | edit source]
Public Salvation on Buses[edit | edit source]
Notable Quotations[edit | edit source]
“If God is but an invention of man, then truly we are all saved.”
“But if God were an invention of Oscar Wilde, then whoop, let's party!”
“They thought we were crazy, but now they're dying to ride our carridges”
“Just how wrong one man can be will become clear very soon”
“There's probably no Richard Dawkins!!! Ha! See, it's not very nice is it? Wankers”