User:Clensedsource/HowTo:Destroy the Earth
So you have decided to destroy the Earth. It might not be as easy as it sounds, as the Earth is made up of just over 9000 tons of rock and metal, so you need some really heavy firepower, high tech power tools, or some good ol' fashioned omnipotence. The easy way is to ask God for help, but since He spent 6 days creating this... place, I doubt He will help you. Ever. So this leaves you with the first 2 options: Guns or tools.
Why?[edit | edit source]
Deciding to destroy the Earth is a pretty big decision. You can't take it easily, as it will affect, er, everyone. Listed below are a few reasons you may want to destroy the Earth. The reasons are in order from least to most valid.
1 Not a valid reason Okay, so you are a nature person, who wants to save nature from the evil humans. Got it. The end justifies the means. You can do this in several ways, depending on how much collateral damage you want to make while fulfilling your mission. Humans are polluting the planet and killing alot of animals. Earth is better off without them. I want to wipe humanity off the face of this planet for good.
2 You were dropped on your head as a baby.
3 You hold an advanced degree in science and your last name is a negative adjective, eg. Dr. Evil, Dr. Doom, etc.
Plan 1[edit | edit source]
An easy way is to run for President of the United States of America (see Obama) and if he can, anyone can. Once you're in office, you have access to some really funny weaponry called nuclear bombs. Simply go into the Secret Nuclear Bomb Control Room just below the Oval Office. From here you aim all nukes in your arsenal, covering the entire planet. The few humans that might survive this rain of death will surely die in the years to come. Radioactive fallout, dust clouds covering the entire planet, nuclear winter etc etc. This approach will kill most plants and animals as well, leaving only microbial lifeforms surviving. But who cares? Humanity is gone, but chances are you have failed to destroy the earth.
Plan 2[edit | edit source]
This option may require one of two things; years of university level education and even more time spent on research, or 20 minutes as a thief. The goal of this is to aquire antimatter, which, as suggested by its name, does not matter. In addition to this interesting quality, it also reacts violently with matter. It has been estimated that a single gram of it would produce a power output almost equal to that of a caffeinated kindergartener, or around 42 terrawatts of energy. You then dig a hole to the center of the earth and drop the antimatter into it. The explosion will press on the outer core and build until the planet breaks into 5-7 Rosie O'Donnell size chunks.
Plan kill everyone but don't destroy the earth![edit | edit source]
If you just want to kill the humans on earth, then this next plan is for you! A fairly unrealsitic way would be to heat up the Earth so that all water vaporizes, making the planet too hostile for anything to live here. What you need is a huge amount of CO2 so that the atmosphere will store alot of heat energy. The first step is to destroy the forests as trees magically transform CO2 into oxygen. This process, known as photosynthesis can be detrimental to your glorious work. Simply start a lot of forest fires, call the CIA and ask them to hand over all of their remaining agent orange (yes they still got plenty of it. Why do you think Iraq and Afghanistan are mostly desert?) and drop it all over the Amazon Jungle. Once you have gotten rid of the trees, proceed to the next step. Accumulate all oil, coal, natural gas, plastic and everything else that will add alot of CO2 into the atmosphere, then burn it. . Once you are able to boil and egg in the Arctic Ocean, you sit back and smile for a few seconds before you die. Mission accomplished.
Plan too Fun to not try[edit | edit source]
A fun way would be to construct a Death Star like space ship with the laser. If you don't have enough money, I know a man in Detroit who sells them cheap. The next step is very important, you must fire your laser. Once you're finished, you have to make sure the small remaining pieces of rock and metal, if there are any, won't create a new planet, so you can throw them in different directions in space. After all, space is quite large, so the odds of them forming anything once again are very slim. If you are still alive, you could have some fun with it, throwing them at other planets. 5 points for hitting the sun, 75 for nailing venus, etc.
