User:Cajek/Christian Rock (Backwards)

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
IMonkeys.jpg The author of this article has expressed an interest in other users collaborating on this article. Why don't you?.

What Christian Rock is backwards...

Playing Christian music backwards has been a past time of many hardcore cultists and Wiccans ever since Christian rock and pop somehow became popular.

Christian Music[edit]

In Heaven, you don't have to marry an angel to... well, fuck her like a stallion.

When played forward, pop Christian music is pedantic and saccharine (read a book, chowderheads). Popular Christian bands, like ChristLovers and Lovers O' Christ, are especially sugary and peppy. When played forward at regular speed, Christ's Warrior's new song Please Don't Send Me To Hell, Jesus sounds like this:

There's always a time and a place,
Jesus can use his magic holy mace
on filthy unbelievers like you,
Please please please don't make Jesus blue.
Oh, believe in Jesus or he'll fuck you up good,
Partake of his body, partake of his blood,
Go to Church like a good Christian and pray, pray, pray,
Then in heaven with gorgeous buxom angels for all eternity you will play.

Cultists of the Church of Yog-Sothoth regularly play the album backwards during their annual Cthulhu Prayer Breakfast. According to ritualists and cult translators, the lyrics can be loosely read as follows:

I want to fuck fuck fuck Sarah Palin,
But not after marriage in a traditional Christian way!
Everyone in the band's real name is Marilyn,
We're all crack-snorting hermaphrodites who want to give her a good long lay!
I wanna join her in hell
After she gets shot on stage by her retarded whore of a daughter,
That would really ring my bell
And it would get me hot to see her sodomized by meat hooks for all eternity! HAHAHAHHA!
I wanna throw her violently on the floor and cover her in raw meat in my apartment,
long after the darkness creeps in,
I don't wanna wait until after Lent,
I want to roll around in Palin sin!
I want to fuck fuck fuck Sarah Palin,
Sarah please join me in unholy matrimony,
I want to fuck fuck fuck Sarah Palin,
To see her without her glasses I'd pay good moh-nay!

The Bands Regret Their Subliminal Messages[edit]

Spokesman to many of the Christian Rock bands, a greek-born lawyer called Dick Sinepsnatas, wishes to let all the worried parties to know that the bands only want to write good, wholesome songs with a Christian message in them. "It certainly, sincerely, absolutely is only an accident the lyrics turn out like they do. What can you do? Man's subconscious is littered with all kinds of horrible imagery, dark alleyways leading straight to the core of our being, which is mostly powered by sex and violence. If some of it slips to the surface every now and then, it is not fair to condemn the author of the lyrics. He is just a puppet of his subconscious!" Incidentally, if you translate the sentences Mr. Sinepsnatas used into Greek and read them backwards, you will get a totally different message: "We will suck you dry of any semen you have left and feed it to pigs who will sprout horns and use those to rape virgins in all holy places. Decency to us means the ability to masturbate until sore. Come on, you cannot be as dumb as to believe anything I tell you - oh fuck you're too easy."