User:BlueberryPanda101/Unikitty

UNIKITTY

What Is A Unikitty?

A unikitty is an extremely DANGEROUS creature. You may have very possibly heard of the toy character either from The Lego Movie, or maybe you used to watch the cute little Cartoon Network show with the pink lego unicorn cat. But it is all lies. ALL LIES, I TELL YOU. A unikitty is ferocious, hideous, and a bloody KILLER. YES. I SAID A KILLER. There is no escape once you are spotted. First, come the tickles. Oh, the horrid tickles. They shall be the death of us all.

Cartoon Network's False Interpretation of a Unikitty

How Do They Kill?

To be sure that you are now a target of the hostile unikitty, you must look it dead in the eyes. If you can see it's fang-like teeth start to glimmer, you are definitely dead meat. Granted, if you weren't already its target, you will be the second you make eye contact. But whatever, I mean who needs to worry about that? Pfffttt, nobody.

              STEP 1 in the killer's trilogy - THE DREADED TICKLES

              A unikitty's tickle is one of the most horrible weapons ever to grace the Earth. If we could bottle them, they'd go crazy on the Black Market. After you have become the target, the unikitty will immediately retreat to a bush, or tree, or whatever the heck it can find to take cover from you. You will assume that you just imagined it all and go back to whatever you were doing which is EXACTLY WHAT IT WANTS. You do this and you seal your fate and ensure the prospect of suffering and death. Yeah, I said ensure and death in the same sentence. This is 2020. It makes perfect sense. Back on track: The unikitty will take advantage of your stupidity in this action and pounce when you are most unsuspecting. After the pounce, according to official timings completed by the president of the Unikitty Hunter Association (UHA), the victim has precisely 21 seconds to get the creature off of them. As specified by the UHA, unikitties spend a great deal of time testing out the best tickle spot for their prey. Then they start to tickle. But these tickles aren't simple normal tickles. They are unikitty tickles, making them much more deadly. For starters, they pin down your head and feet with their natural venom called Supierous Glo, which is where Super Glue comes from, and start their attack. And while most friendly tickles stop after maybe 1-2 seconds, these continue for minutes, forcing laughter to pure cries of pain from their targets. And then they initiate step two. The slobber. God save us from the slobber.

              STEP 2 in the killer's trilogy - THE REVOLTING SLOBBER

              The slobber of a unikitty follows its tickles. It isn't like regular slobber (obviously). It contains the unikitty venom, Supierous Glo, which makes it sticky and extremely pungent. You will be covered in slobber after the tickles have ceased. There isn't much to say about the slobber, though, other than it stinks and it's incredibly difficult to clean yourself of it if you survive the attack.

              STEP 3 in the killer's trilogy - THE DEATH OF THE VICTIM

              Starting from the feet to the head, a unikitty opens wide for its lunch and starts eating. The only positive thing about it all is that the venom and slobber have more than a 95% chance of knocking you unconscious so you will most probably die a painless death after the torture that occurs in steps 1 and 2 of the killers' trilogy. Hope you don't get killed by one! :)

Who Are These Creatures Related To?

A unikitty is pretty obviously related to #1. Unicorns and #2. Cats or, more specifically, kitties. But their more distant relatives include horses, mules, and more specifically, ZEBRAS.

Look at him. He's questioning you. He's judging you. All with those goddamn stripes.

Which are just are horrible as unikitties. Unikitties look nothing like the Cartoon Network interpretation of them, in fact, they have rather odd stripes and colors that look incredibly awkward upon their blood-red bodies. Their horn is usually yellow or a neutral color that is similar to beige. Although, the rare unikitty queen disguises herself well, with a rainbow horn and pale white fur, to make her victim believe she is cute and cuddly, and then, the killer's trilogy begins. NEVER trust a unikitty queen, because queen spelled backward is neeuq, and it makes no sense, just like the killer's trilogy.

What Are Some Unikitty Subspecies?

Unikitties have a few subspecies, but the most common are Queenlings, Bloomains, and Krescents. Queenlings are the deadly offspring of the queen unikitty. They are trained in the killer's trilogy, according to the UHA, almost from the moment that they learn to spear dolls with their horns. Yeah. Unikitties can do that. Bloomains come in second place for the most fatal weapon IN THE UNIVERSE. They are spotted with tiny flower blooms, which is where they get their names. Again, this evolution is so that the target believes that they are cute and adorable, and the second that their guard is down... POUNCE. You will be tickled. You will be slobbered. You will DIE AT THE HOOVES OF A UNIKITTY. Lastly, Krescents: the most common unikitty subspecies. They stick to the basic yellow/beige horn and blood-red fur. They never stray from the killer's trilogy and get their names from their eyes, which have small crescents around them, like the dog from Target, except this one is a crescent.

Now that you have HOPEFULLY learned the basics of unikitty attack tactics, relatives, subspecies, and such, I truly hope you stay safe from not only unikitties but 2020 as well. (In the zebra zodiac, 2020 is the year of the unikitty. Be afraid. Be very afraid.)

~ Written by BlueberryPanda101, (Add your name next to the one on the left if you have made any edits to this article)