User:Apollo1758/project30

"Football" War
One of the pivotal points of the Football War
Date July 14-July 18,1969 Location El Salvador-Honduras border Result El Salvador advances to 1970 World Cup; Honduras is considered a sore loser
Belligerents
El Salvador	Honduras
Strength
20,000 football players 1,000 footballs	18,000 football players 1,600 footballs
Casualties and losses
900 (including hooligans)	1,200 (including referees)

Football in this article deals with the pathetic British version. For the 350+ million Americans, Canadians, Aussies, and Irish who call it soccer, TOO BAD!

The Football War, also known as the 90 Minute War, was a war between El Salvador and Honduras that took place during a series of FIFA qualification games. The war was started when the captain of the El Salvador national football team famously declared war on the Honduras soccer team, which prompted both governments to formally declare war on each other in response. El Salvador went on to beat Honduras in overtime to qualify for the FIFA World Cup, but later lost in an unrelated skirmish against the USSR. The war is the first in history to be fought entirely on the football field, except for some violence among the spectators.

Cause

The rivalry between El Salvador and Honduras was stronger than ever. This was mostly because El Salvador still wanted revenge on Honduras for playing a prank on them, in which the Honduras football team poured super glue into the jockstraps of the El Salvador football team players during their last meeting. El Salvador lost that game 0-1, when the referees got bored of watching both teams play a scoreless tie, and randomly awarded Honduras a penalty kick to make things more exciting. El Salvador's star forward, Arturo Cristóbal, was particularly furious since he required surgery to get his jockstrap removed, and hadn't been able to have sex for about 2 months or urinate without also wetting his pants.

Since the last football incident, tensions between both teams had been stronger than ever, leading El Salvador to enact preemptive measures in defense. El Salvador mobilized 5,000 hardcore fans, who were sent to Honduras to conduct espionage on the Honduras football team. Some of them played the role of news reporters, and inundated the Honduras players with questions ranging from "What's your favorite color?" to "Can you give me 5 bucks?". Through this, the El Salvador team discovered a wealth of information, such as which players wear jockstraps and which don't.

Honduras, upset about these actions, deployed their most attractive and charming men to El Salvador to try and get the El Salvador football players' girlfriends to cheat on them. This plan was extremely successful, and a few El Salvador football players found themselves with no girlfriend. Antonio Sancho, head coach or the El Salvador team, was surprised to find his wive cheating on another man after they had been married for thirty years. Sancho furiously demanded that Honduras withdrawal all irresistibly attractive men from El Salvador by midnight of the next day.

In a press conference, El Salvador football spokesman Félix Lopez announced his declaration of war against the Honduras national football team. In direct response, Honduras midfielder Jesus Esposito announced his decision to declare war against Félix Lopez and his whole family. In response, El Salvador declared war on Taco Bell for their shitty food giving the president a severe stomach cramp. El Salvador realized the real enemy was Honduras, and formally declared war against Honduras.

Game Summary

What a real football war would look like

Game 1

Tegucigalpa: Honduras 1 - 0 El Salvador

Honduras started off the game by drilling José Iván in the head, giving him a concussion. He was carted off the field by medical staff after not being able to recite the ABC's backward. El Salvador avenged this by kicking goalkeeper Alberto Gonzalez in the nuts so hard he needed to get a cast specially made for his balls. Honduras scored a goal off a nice play where Jorge Marcio leapfrogged over El Salvador forward Arturo Cristóbal, and after stuffing the ball down the new goalkeeper's pants, pushed the goalkeeper into his own goal.

Game 2

San Salvador: El Salvador 999 - 0 Honduras

El Salvador's president was angry about the football team's lost, and ensured they wouldn't lose a battle on their own home turf. Before the game, Team El Salvador moved the other teams' goalpost to their side of the field, and moved their own goalpost to the house of Honduras forward Jorge Marcio's mom. El Salvador intoxicated the referees with several powerful margaritas to make sure they wouldn't be making any calls that night, and replaced them with impostor referees. Honduras was baffled when they saw they had no goal, and the impostor referees ejected everyone on the Honduras football team from the game except for the team mascot.

Game 3

Mexico City: El Salvador 3 - 2 Honduras after extra time

3 minutes into the game, Honduras fullback Felipe Ortega stunned the crowd when he stabbed an El Salvador player in the chest with a shank. That player was taken to the hospital and later died. A riot was sparked and hooligans poured into the field in search of sex and combat. Security officials attempted to stop the riot, but realized their efforts were hopeless and resorted to joining the fight also. The game was finally resumed three hours later, when most of the combatants had passed out or just simply fell to sleep. Arturo Cristóbal of El Salvador scored after engaging in a physical fist fight with the Honduras goalkeeper, which distracted him from his teammate walking in with the ball. The goal was so spectacular, the referees counted it as being worth 2 points. Honduras came back on two goals to tie the game up, and the war went into overtime. Since the teams were tired of fighting, they agreed to flip a coin to decide the winner. El Salvador won the coin toss, and also won the game.

Aftermath

In actuality, both sides lost because there wasn't enough margaritas to go around to make everyone forget about the conflict. El Salvador was so excited about their win against Honduras, they felt like starting the El Salvador Civil War.