Unicycle-riding unicorns
“A unicorn on wheels? Why, the possibilities are limitless!”
“And lo, our Lord the Flying Spaghetti Monster gaveth forth Unicorns that did roll upon Wheels of Rubber, and there was much rejoice among the people, especially the tribe of Circus.”
“My plums will handle +100 kilometres. I will do this forever. This equals ouch, but i’m holier than thou. Don’t mention the proclaimers”
Twice as good as Unicycle-riding unicorns?: a Bicycle-riding twonicorn In the glorious Universe, there are many forms of High Art universally recognized internationally. To name only some, there is Bolshoi Ballet, Lenin's Mummified Corpse, Sputnik, mummified corpse of Yuri Gagarin, and most importantly, Unicycle-riding unicorns. Unicycle-riding unicorns are testament to strength of workers, of will of people, of glorious Mother Russia!
Today, although unicycle-riding unicorns are endangered by sexual predators(White Vans and Mexican men named Pedro-phile), unicycles and unicorns are still proudly made in proud factories on the Volga!
Liam is a unicorn on a Unicycle, beast and professional unitard!
Also, when the unicycle has a flat tire, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, as you will certainly be killed in a horrific accident otherwise.
Patriotic Value of Circus as explained by Igor Yanovich Chernynko[edit | edit source]
Greetings, comrades! Why unicycle-riding unicorns, you ask? I will tell you why, mishka. Circus gives chance for glorious universal peoples to see glorious universal entertainment.
What is entertainment? Jugglers are entertainment. Unicorn dressed as clown is entertainment. But unicorn dressed as a clown on unicycle is fine entertainment, most entertaining of all entertainment.
For glory of university worker, unicorn rides unicycle around ring! Ride, unicorn, ride! Ha ha, what lusty fun! People cheer, and people clap, full of universal pride and joy. The Motherland salutes efforts of unicorn on unicycle, riding around ring.
Good unicorn! Later, unicorn will get single unicorn cookie. Not two unicorn cookies, single unicorn cookie. It is delicious unicorn treat, treat for riding unicycle so well, made locally at Livotsk by robust state-run Unicorn Cookie Consortium as part of mananged economy!
Everyone has job. Unicorn Cookie workers have jobs - unicorn has job. His job is to ride unicycle, and he does it well.
Ah, ruinous black fortune! Unicorn fall off of unicycle. See heroic trainer spring to action! Children shriek - "get unicorn back on unicycle, ride unicycle for great glory and entertainment!" Ah, what dark calamity is this! Unicorn does not want to go back on unicycle, and takes swings with horn.
One, two, three! Is there doctor in house? Unicorn trainer is bleeding badly!
Unicorn dressed as a clown is fine entertainment that epitomizes classist struggle between furry, muscular masses and lazy, whip-wielding bourgeoise! See heroic struggles of unicorn-trainer to survive fury of unicorn forced to ride unicycle!
I think crowd roots for unicorn; he has upper hoof, ha ha! I must remember that one if heroic and honest state-run Universal Free Press comes to interview circus staff after trainer loses heroic struggle with unicorn dressed as a clown.
Trainer is not moving - see how unicorn beats him with unicycle! Now this is circus! This is a unicorn dressed as a clown. This is the Universe!
An Excerpt from Dostoyevsky's The Unicycle-riding Unicorn[edit | edit source]
General Prudoshkin walked slowly to the window, limping, lisping, and wearing an eyepatch as he went. He slowly took out his pipe, and looked at it thoughtfully while Presetska, Annokovka and Yuri waited behind the couch, expectantly. At length, the General lighted his pipe and smoked deeply and exhaled, wrapping a wreath of blue haze around his head.
Yuri coughed.
"Ah, I see you have caught cold so late in this autumn season, Yuri Panovich," said the General absently, puffing on his pipe. "Your unrequited love for Annokovka has brought you to this state, undoubtedly"
"Father!" blurted Yuri, his face glowing hot and red as Annokovka turned on her heels and fled the room in haste. "Why would you say such a thing in front of the princess!"
"Sometimes these things cannot be avoided," said the General. "When Michael Alexayvich proposed his hand to her earlier in the summer, clumsily, I might add, it was said she died a thousand deaths, so delicate a flower as that girl. Her mother was so mortified she jumped in the Volga and nearly drowned. Yes, it was the talk of the city."
Suddenly, the shriek of a woman pierced the drawing room door.
"Oh, I hope the princess did not run into the room where we keep Oleg the Unicycle-riding unicorn!" gasped Presetska, her face turing white as a sheet. Yuri steadied her while the General raised an eyebrow amidst the intesifying shrieking.
"Quite," said he.
Commentary from the ASPCA[edit | edit source]
If you are reading this article, know this - forcing a unicorn, whether dressed as a clown or not, to ride a unicycle or other similar wheeled vehicle is animal cruelty. If you don't believe this, go into the wild and live amongst the unicorns for years on end, sort of like that shy guy who was savagely killed by unicorns (just don't end up like him or anything), and keep your eyes peeled for a single unicorn using a vehicle other than a unicycle. You're just not going to find one. Unicorns are our friends - albeit, friends we need to observe from far away so that they don't maul us with their massive facial horns, but friends nonetheless. We owe it to them not to force them to ride unicycles.
Recipe for Unicycle-riding unicorn[edit | edit source]
Follow this recipe closely and something like this may result]] Follow closely, or results may vary:
- One unicorn, hopefully trained to ride unicycles since it was baby
- One unicycle
For best results, it may help to have whip, tranquilizer gun, a clown costume for the unicorn to wear, a unitard for the unicorn to wear under it, and training with large animals. Also a good idea: quick access to excellent medical care.