Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Ventura, CA (3rd review)
Ventura, CA [edit source]
I've added a few new sections and i tried to get away from the whole school thing, and i added two new pics. and lastly, i had it proofread completely, so its all good.-Bobofosho2 16:39, 3 August 2008 (UTC)
| Humour: | 4 | Your article is entertaining, and there are humorous aspects to it, but I wouldn't say that your article is in fact, "humor" or "humorous". You article is a monologue, and there are two types of monologues: Charcter and Situational. Your's is a "Situational Monologue". So you need to make the sitations that your character (which would be you of course) more funny. For example: When the bum takes your money and you go back and get it from him, you confront him and take the money he has under threat of breaking his nose only to find out later on that that was in fact the wrong bum-you just robbed an innocent bum! Or you did get your money back from the right bum but he gives you more money because you need it more than him once he sees your crappy car. Or you fall into the Ventura Harbor and now YOU stink more than a bum, someone gives you money for clothes and a shower, you end up wearing adult clothes and when you're sitting in a restaurant some lady hits on you and it turns out to be your sex ed Teacher! That's situational comedy. Oh, and who came up with "Hungry, hungry Hobo's" as a title?! Baaaah!!!! h ah aha ha haha ha!! |
| Concept: | 9 | I give u 9 on the concept of lets call it..."The Ventura Chronicles" if you will. I say make it a series, say, a weekly diary or journal. Each week some problem or situation occurs to the poor kid up in Ventura. I got a feeling that that's what you're driving at anyway. You've probably got a whole bunch of situations on which you're sitting with which you can do a lot. I say "compartmentalize" your stories. One story focuses on the intro to Ventura and the daily/weekly/monthly plight of our hero/Protagonist/(that'd be YOU bub!), the next on the dull day in class and your nemesis Mrs. what's-her-name, then on the various other random nemesis' (the bums). Etc. There's lots of comedic potential. You hook us with the warm up and the setting, but now we need more conflict and then the result. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | You've got a "voice". I'm reading two or three voices tho': 1) A dreary un-energetic lad dude, 2) A undercover poor Private Eye type, 3) A New York type of hook nosed thug guy. I say, stick with the dreary un-energetic Jr. High/High School-type kid voice and shove that into everything. It's funny. Looots of potential. |
| Images: | 5 | You need an image of your boring desk/cell/prison/school, whichever you want to call it. The marina/harbor/cesspool, whatever you want to call it. You get the idea. : ) We, the reader, are on your side. Give us a few more images so that we can see your isolation, desperation, and solitude. That's funny stuff dude-you suffering. Sorry for your suffering. Ha! |
| Miscellaneous: | 6.3 | LOT's of potential for funny stuff here! What I want to see is an ongoing story. Consider this an introduction to the situation in which you find yourself, know what I mean? Now make sub-stories of your adventures/findings. Objectively, you are in a very unique situation: Ventura Ca, a harbor that is very small and highly accessible, a variety of characters-bums, teachers, parental types, employees of venues, your age, your limited mode of transportation-you are just stuck in this location with these characters! Think of yourself as a "Miner" and you're at a gold mine. Look for the gold nuggets/glittering veins. In your case-nuggets of comedy not gold, and comedy veins. Now write about them-Comedy Gold! Dig into the funny people and events and situations. Poke around in them and stir 'em up! Cha-ching! Comedy GOLD man!
Additionally: You need character roles to be filled. You've got the Teacher, the Bums, and the Ticket Seller. Good. They play specific roles: You can count on that Ticket Seller assist you in your deviousness when you go see movies that you shouldn't get into in the first place. You can count on the bums and the role that they play and how they have potentional to get in your way (they are called "Contagonists"). Now you need a "Supportive Sidekick". This is a little fella who'll follow you to the ends of the earth and do whatever you say. Also, you need a "Guardian". This is the voice of reason-like Obi Wan Kenobi. Find someone, not related to you I think, someone you can check in with weekly, and they give you guidance and tell you what's up in the world. You're young, so perhaps the guy at the candy store (kind of like a bartender for a kid). You stop in when you're feeling bummed and buy some lemon drops, he gives you advice. You need a "Guardian"/"Obi Wan Kenobi" character. A sidekick too. A kid littler than you, or even a dog. Although you can get a kid into more trouble and stuff. : ) ha! And to be honest-you need to be able to outrun him, cuz somethings gonna happen, you two are going to have to split and FAST, and you want you to not get caught but you TO get caught. Buy him an ice cream later after he gets done being grounded and everything will be ok. You must have a "Sidekick", one whom you can talk into accompanying you on your adventures. Ha! |
| Final Score: | 31.3 | I'm grading you like I'd grade an adult cuz that's pretty much what you are-you just need some refinement and growth in your writing skills. Your organization and your underlying structure is most obvious and quite frankly, you as a writer have some potential. I say stick with the writing and shoot down to UCLA Extension and check out the Writer's Program. I go there on occasion. |
| Reviewer: | Smuggler | |