Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:WarWalrus/Nazi Poetry
User:WarWalrus/Nazi Poetry[edit source]
WarWalrus (talk) 19:27, July 18, 2012 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6.5 | What I found the funniest in your article was probably the poems, rather than the expositions of the poems/background. I think you should focus more on the poems rather than on mundane information like "Many of the poems were found in German houses after the war" - after all, the poems are what makes your article shine.
I'm a little concerned about your first paragraph, though. While the rest of your article seems to gel perfectly with the poems, there are certain parts which do not really click for me. I enjoy your use of slapstick humor to sorta illustrate the Nazi propaganda, but a few sentences don't really fit ;p "Their loves and fears are scrawled across the pages that are now our only evidence that world war two actually happened." doesn't make the cut for me, and neither do the quotes. I understand why you'd want to use a Hitler quote in an article about Nazis, but two quotes by the same person in the same paragraph? A little overkill if you ask me. If I were you, I'd just expound on the first sentence - the notion of suppressed emotions and façades is very interesting. One more thing: even them your poems are brilliant, it seems a little weird jumping right into the poem without any transition. For example, it is definitely weird seeing Hitler shouting about killing Jews in the first paragraph, and then seeing a poem right after that about Hitler crying. You might want to add a transitional phrase, such as (but not limited to): "One of the more famous poems symptomatic of the suppressed Nazi is Meine Country, by Heinrich Hamel, which is as follows:" Other than that, you might wish to focus on the poems a little more, and perhaps cut down on stuff such as "He was arrested on january the first 1945 for breaking and entering his next door neighbour's house screaming "Mein Fuhrer!" while stabbing his own private parts with a bread knife", it isn't really funny, partly because it is impossible for that to happen since he probably wasn't in Germany for he was fighting a war, and thus he could not have been to his "next-door neighbour's house", but also because somebody doing so wouldn't be funny. |
| Concept: | 9 | The concept, however, is brilliant. The notion of Nazis being suppressed isn't very alien; neither is the notion of Nazis writing poetry. However, the conglomeration of both aspects together is a recipe for success. I like the concept of expressing love through love poems, but perhaps you could expand on this and include other sections, such as poems "about very ordinary things like washing the dishes or watching the birds" for that is a very good idea.
There is one thing I am particularly perturbed about, which is your convoluted notion of time - you seem to believe that individuals who have fought in WWI/WWII can survive to... experiment with sex in 2004??! These individuals, if alive, would probably be over a hundred years old, so maybe you'd like to make it more realistic by changing the years. To like. 1984 rather than 2004. (Unless of course, you are intentionally doing so. It is slapstick humor, after all.) Your conclusion is good, but you are overusing links to prove your point. The wrong link is just... wrong. But the rest are perfectly okay in my book, and are perfectly justified. |
| Prose and formatting: | 5.5 | Capitalize the word "Nazi"! Capitalize the words "Jew" and "Jewish" too, for they are proper nouns. Capitalize January the First too!
I can't find other issues with your article, except for maybe phrasing: your sentence structures really similar. For example, "A lot of critics have criticised this poem critically over the years. Many people have complained that although there is nothing wrong with the poem, it seems to have a bad feeling about it." can be rephrased to "A lot of critics have criticized this poem critically over the years, despite many people complaining that there is nothing wrong with the poem. However, such critics defend themselves by asserting that the poem seems to have a bad feeling about it". This way, your sentences will vary (good) instead of being banal and repetitive (bad), and the original meaning will still be retained (good) - but naturally it's up to you and how you want to phrase the article. Another issue is the formatting of the poems; your first and last poem seem to be differing in formatting when compared to the other poems - perhaps you should standardize the listing of poems. A suggestion is this: as with most of the poems in the article, you can list the title in bold, followed by the poem, and finally end it off with the poet's name. Poem Title in Bold
By Zheliel ^ ok that was a pretty bad attempt at writing a poem, but you get the gist. Also, get rid of the red link "The boy in the striped Pyjamas" (The movie's pretty good). |
| Images: | 8 | The images are pretty darn good for your article. The captions are gold, the images are comedy genius, and the amount of images are appropriate for an article of such a size. |
| Miscellaneous: | 6.5 | I'll give your article a 6.5 overall, because despite being an article potentially replete with humor, there is still room for improvement. |
| Final Score: | 35.5 | Good job with this, you seem to be a rather promising young writer ;] |
| Reviewer: | 11:08 September 23 | |