Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Snake7/Why?:Can't you do anything right?
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Why?:Can't you do anything right?[edit source]
Snake7 02:29, 26 January 2009 (UTC)
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Tagstit doesn't believe in new fancy-pancy toilet systems with running water and all. Just a hole in the ground with a lil' cover will do. Now gimme' your article and I'll be done in a few minutes.
While you are welcome to review this, I suggest you find another article in need of help so that we can clear the ever growing Pee Request list. |
Woot! I have been excited to read this one! Give me a bit though because I am writing a long one...maybe--Tagstit 04:43, 26 January 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 7 | Okay, so this was decent, and very easy to read and entertaining. Most of what can be improved here can be fixed by looking at the concept (I have a good idea there...maybe), and for humor I will keep it brief. First of all, your intro should be a bit funnier. The whole article seems a bit weak because the leading incident isn't too great compared to the other things that happened. On top of that, I expected the card to be really funny in the picture and it ended up not making too much sense. Try changing the incident that starts something off to be a bit more wild and funny. The card (if there still will be a card,) should be a bit goofier and funnier than a seemingly heartfelt God card. Next, I think it would be a good idea to either change, get rid of, or improve your paragraph on the ant farm. This one I found to be the least funny. Finally, the entire section on the your fat, is weak and not too funny, but will be explained in the prose. |
| Concept: | 7 | Good concept! I really liked this one and when I first saw the title I was looking forward to some good and funny stuff. It is easy to read and the style in which you write is very entertaining. Here is my idea though. Have you ever seen the show Family Guy? Well, whether you haven't or have I describe it to you quickly now. Family Guy is a series in which every episode is based on one set funny and quirky incident. This would be mildly funny on its own, but what makes the show what it is is when they go, "Like that time when..." and "Oh thats almost as bad as when I..." and have a flashback. The flashbacks are funny but what makes the show solid is the steady storyline throughout. What you have is a bit of plot, a million flashbacks, then a finish to the plot. What I suggest you do, is make it more like a story, and you introduce the funny events as you go along. For example, you could put, "And what's worse is you always blame everything on me, like that one time with that damn dam," and stuff like that! That would give a much better direction to your article I think. |
| Prose and formatting: | 5 | This is a little weak, but I will keep this brief. I saw a few misspellings and you should do a quick spellcheck, but a few from a quick readthrough are "because you an IDIOT!!" should be "because youR an IDIOT!!" and "You’re not very smart. Or very clever." should be, "You’re not very smart...Or very clever." This is because "Or very clever." Is not a sentence. Finally, you should remove that section on you are fat because it doesn't really work as far as humour, and really makes your article feel messy. |
| Images: | 4 | Pictures were a bit weak. First, there were only two and three is a good number you should stay around, (Even more than that with a topic like this). Next, your pictures aren't THAT funny, and really don't add much. They help tell the story kind of, but are weak otherwise. The first is a bit of a shame due to its potential and the second could use a better caption. |
| Miscellaneous: | 6 | Averaged |
| Final Score: | 29 | Very good, you could go a far way with this and I can see this as your first VFH with a bit of work behind it. Keep going for it. It's getting there. If you need anything or have any questions feel free to ask me on my talk page. Good luck! |
| Reviewer: | --Tagstit 07:16, 26 January 2009 (UTC) | |