Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/User:Nameable/UnScripts:Night At The Museum: Real Version

Main

Current

Reviewed

Archive

Guidelines

FAQ

Committee

RotM

User:Nameable/UnScripts:Night At The Museum: Real Version

Thank you in advance. Nameable • mumble? 16:15, October 28, 2009 (UTC)

This has been here too long, I'm in here now. --ChiefjusticeDS 14:33, November 9, 2009 (UTC)

Humour:	8	I like the humour a lot and I think that you are well on your way to having something special here. There are a couple of problems that I noticed which I would recommend you give a second look. The first problem I noticed was that your humour while perfectly valid in a lot of places feels quite weak in others, parts of the article made me laugh whereas others felt like they were not being utilised to the maximum extent that they could be. The main trouble spots for this are the parts where you are focusing on the film's events, I realise that the point of the article is that absolutely nothing happens during the night and the protagonist just fritters the time away, but these sections feel like a real step down from the other parts. My advice for fixing this would be to try to work some kind of mini-plot into the article; what I mean by mini-plot is try to have events happening consistently that fly in the face of actual film events, you dabble in this later on but I think there is room for this to happen more throughout the article, you could even incorporate more clichés, and when nothing comes of them it could be explained as the writer being radical and interesting. If you want some ideas on humour in this style then check out this article. My second point is with regard to the inclusion of the audience, now before I get going I think this is an excellent idea and it really sets the article apart from others that use. The audience jokes need more context, in the article you start the script and then all of a sudden the audience reactions appear as though they have been written into the script, I was quite surprised to see the first one and read back your preamble to see if you mentioned this idea. My advice is to try to ground the audience jokes separately in the article, and thus give them context. What I mean by this is that you should establish a reason why they are there, a study of audience behaviour or something similar, this would separate the audience jokes from the text and prevent confusion with the stage directions.
Concept:	7	Right, I like your concept, I think I mentioned that above. My main problem is with regard to your tone you break the fourth wall at times in the article and, while this is OK, it needs to be done right and be a staple of the article. It isn't advisable to just do it a couple of times as it makes the article feel disjointed. My advice is that if you want to keep it in try to make it happen in one single instance to a large extent, enough to make a point, but not for it to occur a couple of times. If you decide that you want to axe the idea then you can still keep the jokes intact, you would just need to incorporate them into the article's tone. My other problem is that the tone of your stage directions isn't very consistent, sometimes the voice passes comment on events of describes a character in a specific way. Stage directions are usually written in the third person, now I'm not saying that you have to do that, I'm suggesting that you consider the stage directions and make sure they are carrying out the role you want them to carry out.
Prose and formatting:	6	Your prose are pretty good and your spelling and grammar doesn't need much more work doing to it. What I would recommend is that you do another quick read through to make sure that everything is as you want it to be. If you don't want to do this yourself then feel free to ask someone at UN:PS to give you a hand. One thing I would strongly recommend you do with regard to formatting is to make it easier to differentiate between the stage directions and the description of the audience reactions, as when they are exactly the same it is unclear which is which at first glance, consider putting the audience descriptions in bold so they can be seen easier. You should also ensure that your images are not placed one of top the other, I realised that you wanted the toilet image to go with the relevant section, but the image above it could be moved away slightly, especially since you have a lot of space to play around in.
Images:	8	Your images are fine, repeating the image is absolutely fine and the joke is reasonably good, but bear in mind what I said in the humour section with regard to the humour and in the concept section with regard to breaking the fourth wall when you take a look at your captions. Captions are very useful with humour and you should definitely try to caption every picture you use, but remember to try to keep your humour consistent.
Miscellaneous:	8	My overall grade of the article.
Final Score:	37	You have a solid and enjoyable article here and I would encourage you to work at it a bit more. Try not to be put off by some of my negative comments, I enjoyed reading this one and it kept me amused enough to reach the end without considering stopping. If you can deal with the small problems that are holding your article back then you will have a superb piece of work here. If you need to contact me feel free to leave a message on my talk page. Good luck making any changes.
Reviewer:	--ChiefjusticeDS 21:29, November 9, 2009 (UTC)