Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnPoetia:Love Need Not Die

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UnPoetia:Love Need Not Die

Review this, it takes a second. --

Homie, your boyez gots this one --Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   18:34, February 6, 2011 (UTC)

Oh hang on, you added a picture while I was reviewing? You sneaky bastard...--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   18:39, February 6, 2011 (UTC)

Humour:	6	Ah, so this is going to be one of those reviews that doesn't have much to offer for comments, eh? Let's begin. I am slightly disgusted and yet, slightly amused by it. The method of approach is top notch, making a poem about being a necrophiliac is far better than writing an article on it. The reason I bring that up is because the humour is much more glorified through a poetic use. Cudos to you there. Now then, after a while of thinking (and a little drinking), the main critique I could come up with was clarification. As a poem, this leaves a lot to the reader to imagine themselves. However, reading this over and over again, I am still confused about the last stanza. Was the character caught? DId he get stuck inside his love? A little more clarification towards the end will help the reader picture how the poem really ends. You could mention the "cold hands of a man, grabbing and from my love and throwing me in a van." Maybe even add another stanza to the end to wrap up the entire poem and re-state the characters love for her? Pretty much, I'm just saying that if the ending was a little more clear of what happened, it would really help raise the humour of the poem. Adding another stanza would also provide you with the ability to close of the poem a lot more effectively. Maybe talk about the character sitting in prison, thinking about if it was worth it, or maybe have him at home, thinking about it? You seem to have managed to make the rest of the poem rhyme, so maybe you can make one more rhyming stanza. Fortunately or unfortunately, however you want to see it, I can't really think of any other major critiques. The poem is short so not much to criticize, but others may see that opinion differentely. Just clarify the ending and maybe add another stanza and it should make the poem a little bit better.
Concept:	6.5	The concept is a mix of disgust and humour, sort of the turn in a sad movie that no one saw coming. The character loses his love and in a fit of desire, digs her up for one last shin-dig. I hesitate to ask you how or where you came with that idea. Seriously, I don't want to know. To summarize, the concept is both disturbing and funny (I don't know how many times I'll be saying that...). I gave you a 6.5 because you managed to find your way into making this a kind of funny article, considering you didn't give yourself much to work with and although it's disturbing, it sort of fits with the humour, I think.
Prose and formatting:	7	Typically, the use of periods is not necessary in poetic verses. You mainly will use commas to express a break, but I don't believe too many poems use periods. Stanzas represent when the reader should talk a full pause between sentences, unless I'm wrong, in which my english teacher has failed... That's just a suggestion, it feels a little weird to me for a poem to have periods. I'm not sure about the rules regarding semi-colons, and I don't think it really matters. It's just an idea for you to ponder about. Other than that, your prose and formatting is fine except for some issues with rhyme. For example, line 7-8 in stanza 2, "I madly shake my fist and grin; I'll have her love just once again." Again and grin are close rhymes, and that's a slight stretch. Perhaps the second line could be changed to comething like, "I'll have her love, our one last sin," since 'sin' rhymes with 'grin.' The other example is in line 13-24 in stanza 4 "Inside she's rougher than I remember; I do recall she was more limber" 'Remeber,' and 'limber,' are close rhymes as well, so this may need to be changed because it throws the rhyme off. Unfortunately, I've been thinking of possibilities for it for about 10 minutes and still haven't thought of something good. If you want to change it, go for it, but if not, it'll be ok the way it is. So, in conclusion, your prose and formatting is good. It's in poetic format with six stanzas and your rhyme scheme(A A, B B I believe) and meter fits well with it, except for those couple of lines.
Images:	4	So your picture, while appropriate for the poem, does not really add to the humour value of the poem. The reader gets an idea of the grave, but there's no caption and no visible humour in the picture. Also, is the wife's gravestone on the edge of the earth? A little work on editing might help make the picture a little more 'professional,' and funny. Also, is the name and Dominican heritage on the gravestone written there on purpose, or did you just get a random gravestone picture? I ask because you could make the name on the gravestone funny, if you edited the picture yourself. Maybe something like "Here lies Anita Hardcok," and that should add some humour to the poem, or you could create a funny caption, but I can't seem to think of any good ones at the moment.... If you can't edit the name, I have some other ideas for alternative pictures... First, maybe have a picture of a graveyard or cemetery from an outside view and create an introductory caption that is poetic. Something like, "Here I stand, looking at the dead. Longing for the one to sleep with in bed," or something. I'm sure you can think of a better rhyme. The second suggestion would be to have a picture of the main character digging up the grave, but there's a lot of mist and you can only see the outline of the character. That way, the reader won't be able to identify how the character looks, but the general idea of what he is doing is understood, without corrupting the characterization of said character. You could then put another caption like, "I dig quickly, longing for my love, so that I may jump on her, down from above." These are purely suggestions. Take them with a grain of salt, whatever that means. It's totally up to you to pick the picture, but I would suggest that you avoid showing what the character actually looks like, because then the reader no longer uses their imagination for the poem and the mystery will be lost. That's about it.
Miscellaneous:	6.5	The average is around 5.9, but I gave you more grace points for pulling this off in a better way than I had expected.
Final Score:	30	I have mixed feelings for this, but that's only because the poem is slightly short and disturbs me a little bit. Others may find this more appealing, because I have seen far more disturbing article get posted on the front page...somehow.... Now to end on a good note. A good job in turning around a sad ending into a criminal offense and agood job making me have to sit for like 6 hours trying to see some major critiques to provide you with. What crazy things will you think of next?
Reviewer:	--Sir Oliphaunte (განხილვა)   18:34, February 6, 2011 (UTC)