Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/UnBooks:The Old Man and LV
UnBooks:The Old Man and LV[edit source]
I come to you for comments, your brilliant mind shining like a ray upon the page. It will be worked on at length, with your help and with the help of the liquid and the herb, and we will work together, you and I, to carve a soul from it. Aleister 23:40 12-2-'11
- I'll give this a go Al. May take a little bit, given the length of the article. --—John Lydon 14:32, February 28, 2011 (UTC)
| Humour: | 5 | I'm kind of conflicted in this area. On the one hand, the story wasn't that funny. I don't even think it got more than a smile out of me at best. On the other, the story was entertaining throughout and I don't think it was written with the intent to make someone laugh out loud. So, to resolve this impass I have reached with myself, I will award you some arbitrary number to appease the Uncyclopedia gods. |
| Concept: | 10 | I tired something a little different with the way I approached this review. I thought that I would read through a section, then write down my initial response to each one. I figured that since most people rarely read through an article more than once (I have to admit, sometimes I don't make it that far) it would help you to get a perspective on how the reader is feeling after each section. It might help pinpoint where the story lulls or what works really well. Or it may just be an exercise in futility on my part. At any rate, that's what I'm going to do.
Intro I really thought you did a great job here of drawing in the reader. You set up the rest of the story well and I was anxious to continue on. One minor nit pick (because I have to throw at least one criticism in or they revoke my license) is the very first line seems a bit…. Off putting, I guess. I thought the intro might flow a little better if you were to remove that line. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy the comparisons to Hemingway, and they do inject some pretty decent humor. I just think the first line is kind of like hitting a speed bump of sorts. I think starting with a line like, “My father resembles Hemmingway, and he plays it for all its worth”, might work better than, “First of all, right off the bat, this isn’t about Earnest Hemmingway.” It just seems to me that it would not occur to someone to use a line like that if they were telling a story. But that’s just my 2 cents on the matter. Also, you forgot the “t” on the end of the word thought in the third paragraph, but I fixed it for you. You’ll get my bill in 3-5 business days. Welcome to Las Vegas Excellent use of descriptive writing here. I could actually picture Vegas in my mind. (For the record, I’ve never been). I feel like this section is a really solid setup for the story and does a great job in giving the reader the sense of excitement and overwhelmedness (that’s probably not a word, but I like it) that someone who is seeing Vegas for the first time might feel. I don’t really have any complaints on this section, but I do have a question. Why the comment about fishing the gulf? It seems to come out of nowhere and isn’t fully explained. Is it significant in some way? The Hours Run Together By this point in the story, I am absolutely amazed that this is on Uncyclopedia! I don’t recall having read a story that actually flowed in a long, long, time on this site (maybe ever). I have to commend you on navigating away from the standard issue “jump from joke to joke format” that seems so popular here, and instead opting to write a solid piece of fiction. Very well done sir! However, I do have some critiques in this section. First, the minor one. The last sentence in the first paragraph has conflicting tenses. I know it’s a simple fix, but if I don’t show my work, the cabal (if it existed), would be very upset. Secondly, I think the imagery is laid on just a tad to thick in this section. The previous section seemed to flow naturally, but this section had the faintest appearance of being forced. To be honest, it is mainly the last bit of the last paragraph. Maybe it’s because I have no clue what “Liquid testing itself, an ocean racing hard against the rocks to test it’s strength” is supposed to mean, but maybe that’s the whole point of it. He is drunk after all. Touché, Mr. Aleister, Touché. Whatever the hidden reason behind all the allegories, it comes off as a little much to me. To round out this compliment sandwich nicely, I enjoyed the section where dad was playing the slots. You did a fantastic job conveying the feeling one would get if they were there. Again though, we have the same issue as in the previous section. What’s with the Sosa reference? Is that just so the reader can put the time period in perspective? We Have A Winner No real issues here. I feel like I’m getting a little giddy on this review, but I am thoroughly impressed by your writing. The inclusion of little details like reporting the winnings to the IRS and NGC and the tech inspecting the machine, while minor, really lend credibility to the story. Fantastic work! Oh, I added a comma that was missing. Dad Walks Down the Strip Okay. I think I’m starting to see what is up with all these crazy sayings from the dad. The guy is nuts, right? That has to be it. He’s obviously a raving mad lunatic who prefers the company of the homeless and speaks in gibberish. Again, I find no faults with this section. That makes two in a row. No one ever gets three in a row…. Never. Come Here Daughter If there were to be a low spot in this story (which I don’t think there is up to this point) it would have to be this section. It kind of feels like filler material to me, and I mean that in the nicest possible way. This section just doesn’t have much of anything going on. More mysterious ramblings from dad, and some hookers and gold diggers sniffing after money. I’ll reserve judgment until the whole story has played out, but I think there may be some more to add to this section. Added after 1st read through: Definitely should add something with substance here. Maybe a little foreshadowing of Dad’s chance encounter with Lulu or something. The Running Wild A few things here. First, in the second paragraph, first sentence, did you mean to say “a” door, or “the” door? I would go with “the” but hey, that’s just the kind of guy I am. Secondly, why is Manny now referring to his dad by the pet name given to him by the strippers/hookers/gold diggers? When he called him papa, it just came off as creepy to me. Same thing as when dad tells Pete Rose to call him papa. Technically there’s nothing wrong with either of these instances, it’s just flat out creepy. Finally, about midway through the fifth paragraph, you have this sentence; “….And as Rose rose to the top of the all time hit list….” Now I’m no grammar teacher, but that just doesn’t flow very well. I think changing it to “Rose skyrocketed” or something like that would suit the story much better. Especially since the narrator appears to have such a way with words. All Things Culminate in Bells I like the way you wrap this up. No twists, surprises, or random character changes. Very well done. I have to say, if you would have bet me that you could write a story that flowed well and made sense and include Captain Jack Sparrow getting felt up, I would have taken that bet any day of the week. Kudos to you on that sir. Aftermath If I could make my computer clap at this point, I would. This story is the type of quality that should be published somewhere. I’m not saying this to pad your ego, but you should get paid for writing something like this. While it definitely wasn’t the funniest thing I’ve ever read on Uncyclopedia by a long shot, it may very well be the most well written thing I have ever read on here. The only minor nitpick I have with this section is again the narrator refers to dad as papa. I’m telling you, that is creepy, creepy, creepy. |
| Prose and formatting: | 8 | There were some minor errors that I pointed out in the above section, but nothing that really hurts the flow of the story. |
| Images: | 10 | I may actually get excommunicated for this, but I'm going to award you a ten on the images section and I don't even recall a single image in the story. Why am I doing this? Because I'm a rebel, that's why.
Not really, but I think being called a rebel would be cool and I'm trying to get it to catch on. The reason I chose to do this is simple. I stopped reading books with pictures in them as soon as I was old enough to watch other people my age graduate from college. Images are an important part of the normal Uncyclopedia article because there isn't really a story line in most encyclopedic style entries so the authors have to rely on humor to keep the reader hooked. Your story was so well done, it completely sucked me in. I didn't even notice a single image the entire read through. I feel that your story can stand on it's merits and doesn't need images to boost it's quality. That's why I'm giving you a ten here. In hindsight, I guess I could have made the same point by giving you a zero. Oh well, I don't feel like changing it now. |
| Miscellaneous: | 8.3 | Averaged score |
| Final Score: | 41.3 | I hope this review does something for you other than give you a hugely inflated head. I tried to be critical of the work, but there really isn't much to criticize. All I can really say is thank you for sharing this story with me. |
| Reviewer: | --—John Lydon 18:19, February 28, 2011 (UTC) | |