Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Telmar

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Telmar

See Narnia for further reference. Hobobobo7 22:26, 28 December 2008 (UTC)

Concept:	2	Please see HTBFANJS for hints on how to write funny articles. The article is quite random and hard to follow. For an article to work, the reader must be able to mentally follow it. The funniest articles are generally the closest to the truth. Writing about a fantasy kingdom as though it were ruled by robots is not funny. Additionally, attacking the subject matter with the proverbial sledge hammer also isn't funny. The best insults require some wit to deliver properly. On the same note, changing names, i.e. from Caspian to Crapsian isn't funny. Additionally, internet meme's are not funny. Bringing in random stuff from other stories, like Harry Potter or the Hobbit, isn't funny. Some cross overs or cross-references can be funny, but you should have a reason for doing so.
Prose and Formatting:	4	Your main issue is too many red links and the huge box. Text in the box format looks ugly. Additionally, red links are ugly, the look like formatting errors. Also, you should have more links in the see also section. Having one item in a list is generally a bad idea.
Images:	5	You have an image of the subject matter, but its not very funny. Also, the caption really isn't that funny either, basically due to the underlying concept of the article. You might want to keep this image, if the underling concept can be improved, it might be able to be funny; the funniness of images often comes as much from the caption as does the images. Some of the best image/caption pairs have a completely deadpan image.
Humour:	2	by section Intro: This section has the same problems as I described in the concept section. Also, the word "non-fictional" is not needed, it "protests too much." Aslanator 3: Rise of the Telmarines Get rid of the box, it looks ugly. Also, it appears you are writing in singular sentences and not paragraphs. As a rule, try to write in paragraphs unless humor or understandability demand otherwise. Robot Controversy & remainder Don't argue for your outlandish "takes" on the subject. That generally isn't funny, and if you need to belabor your satire to justify it, you've gone beyond the realm of satire into excessive hyperbole. Also, this section is also quite list-y. You might want to convert it to paragraph form if you decide to keep it. Also, the random statement at the bottom is not funny. Straying from the subject matter isn't funny. A small dose of nonsense now and then occasionally works, but it must be in an ocean of consistency to work.
Improvability Score:	2	I don't really know much about the subject matter, so I can't really give you any hints besides satirizing the subject. This article may or may not be easy to write, but you don't have much good material in there right now. Unfortunately, you'll probably have to rebuild this article from the ground make to get a good, or even "good enough to stay on mainspace" quality article.
Final Score:	15	Try a more restrained take on the article. Nonsense isn't funny.
Reviewer:	--Mnbvcxz (Annoy) 01:18, 30 December 2008 (UTC)