Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Relasimification (2nd review)

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Releasimification

Once again, this aticle is a work in progress. But, I have added some more writing and a photo. So, what do ya' guys think this time?-User:bobofosho 69.234.41.170 21:53, 6 June 2008 (UTC)

Humour:	5	Hey, bobofosho. It's good to see you've moved on from rasta-nomads and started a new article. This is a big improvement, but it still needs quite a bit of work. I'll do a section-by-section breakdown: The lede: 4. Despite what the "disclaimer" says, this is racist, and probably only funny to people who think that racism is inherently funny. Don't get me wrong: there are some hilarious racist jokes. But these aren't them. Basically, you're saying that "Releasimification" is a black man's way of relaxing, and that black men relax either by watching Soul Train or paying for sex. Errr... okay. Oh, and about that disclaimer: get rid of it. Uncyclopedia is a parody of encyclopedias, and particularly, of Wikipedia. How many Wikipedia pages have you seen that began with "Oh, hey guys, I don't really know anything about ants, but I'm gonna write an article about them now"?? There are exceptions to every rule, but still, a good rule of thumb is to never, ever, ever talk about yourself in an article. The Origins of Releasimification - 7. I actually did kind of get a chuckle about the implied idea that McCoy was only having sex with these dancers in order to kind of loosen them up and make the show better, and that he started a whole culture where producers and directors sleep with their stars for purely altruistic reasons. Okay. This actually works. The section needs to be longer, though. How to Releasimify Yo' Self - 6. The sentence "then proceed to make that funky music with her ass" is actually pretty damn funny. But the section is kind of a mess, because it's titled "How to Releasimify Yo' Self," and by the end, it's obvious that the point of the section was about how to "releasimify" a Soul Train dancer. The Legality of Releasimification - 4. Meh. It needs a more coherent joke. Also, anyone who reads "releasimify yourself" is going to think you're referencing masturbation, and is going to be a little confused when it turns out you aren't. Famous Releasimfiers - 1. This is crap. Lists are almost always unfunny, and there's nothing funny about this one. Kill it with fire.
Concept:	5	There are kind of two competing concepts here. The first concept is that "releasimification" is the act of having sex with someone just to loosen them up so they can, you know, dance better. The second concept is that blacks in the 70s were all a bunch of pimps. I think, honestly, that you want to get away from the racial humor. It can be done right, but you're doing it wrong. I think, in my last review, I advised you to "write what you know," right? And I think you told us all that you were born in the mid-90s, no? So writing about 70s black culture might be a little more to bite off than you're prepared to chew. When you satirize something, you want to write stuff that appeals to two groups: those who are barely familiar with the subject, and those who are intimately familiar with the subject. And there are some warning signs that this would absolutely not appeal to anyone intimitely familiar with the subject; the article, for example, references "Huggy Bear" twice - and it's going to make some of the audience think "Is Huggy Bear in here because the only example of a black pimp this kid can think of is Snoop Dogg's portrayal of Huggy Bear in the 2004 remake of Starsky and Hutch??? Jesus Christ." If the audience gets the sense they're not in competent comedic hands, they're not going to be able to fully enjoy the article. Yeah, maybe stick with the first concept - having sex with employees because they need it to do their jobs well (Oh! I can't believe you'd imply I'd do that for my own selfish reasons!!)
Prose and formatting:	6	The prose here is on the right track; the idea is to shift from encyclopedic language to soul language and back, and some of those shifts are very funny, like "Then proceed to make" (encyclopedia) "that funky music with her ass" (soul). Some of the shifts are very clunky, though, like "a process used by 70's disco and Soul Train dancers to release stress or somethin'." The "or somethin'" does nothing good; all it does is send up a warning flag that the author might not be sure what the article is even about. The formatting is standard, and just fine.
Images:	6	Okay, so let's be real here: that picture is the crappiest, most hastily hacked-together thing on Uncyclopedia. Now, I think it's actually pretty funny, just because it sucks so much; it might even be hilarious to put in a caption like "A poster for Soul Train, drawn by Sally McCoy, age 7." But other Uncyclopedians, and particularly experienced Photoshoppers (or "potatochoppers," if you prefer) are going to think it just plain sucks. So, I don't know. It's your call.
Miscellaneous:	5.2	averaged (poorly).
Final Score:	27.2	This is a major improvement over rasta-nomads. I'd put some more work into it. Make sure you're very clear on what the concept is, and spend more time on the prose - read the sentences aloud, maybe. Some of this stuff would be funnier if it were simply phrased better. Good luck!
Reviewer:	Hyperbole 22:56, 6 June 2008 (UTC)