Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Phil Hartman

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Phil Hartman

Just made an article on Phil Hartman and got blasted immediately. Other than the obvious grammar problems wanted to see if anyone else found this funny since theres quite a few jokes that are pretty specific. Also could the article be salvaged by changing the name from Phil Hartman I thought it was funny that he was a footnote in his own article but would it be better to name it the Phil Hartman curse for instance--Cockofavoice 11:57, December 10, 2009 (UTC)--Cockofavoice 11:57, December 10, 2009 (UTC) Cockofavoice 11:57, December 10, 2009 (UTC)

Hi. I guess I'll be doing your review. --Matfen 02:35, December 18, 2009 (UTC)

Reviewer details:

A little bit about the reviewer before we start.

Just your average uncyclopedian. You should know, I'm not a professional UnReviewer, so don't take my critism too seriously

Prose and Formatting:

How good does it look and how well does it read? 4

{{{Pcomment}}}

Writing style

Well, your writing style is quite confusing to say the least. I'm sure what you're writing makes sense to yourself, because you came up with it, obviously lol. What I like to do when I'm writing articles, is imagine that the people who read this are going to be a complete bunch of noobs who have no idea who this person is. Admittedly, the people who read it will have some idea who Hartman is, but taking the noob approach ensures your writing is easier to understand. The voice of writing is also quite confused. Parts of it seem the standard intellectual encyclopedia article, others (including the section titles) seem to be narrating a sub-par Jon Lovitz film. Keep it constant, my man.

Spelling

Spelling seems to be fine, but den agen, I'm not the rooling-king of it. You should know that some words are given unnecessary Capitalisation.

Grammar

Okay, here's a significant downfall. It relates to your writing style. The grammar is barely passable. Sure, it makes sense in a way, but it reads more like someone hastily taking notes during a lecture, rather than a clear and informative article. Don't be afraid to take time (and polysyllabic sentences) to express the jokes, rather than just pull a metaphorical drive-by with it.

Layout

Fair enough. No whitespace, but there's not much there to make it. If you incorporate some changes I suggest later, you may want to break up some of your sections.

Overall appearance

Pace yourself with your writing, dude. Oh, and get yourself an introductory paragraph giving a broad overview of what you're writing about. That would definately help with the next review section.

Concept

How good an idea is behind the article? 4

Right. I got some issues here. For a start, I didn't know what the hell you were on about, even after reading your above comments and the ones on the article's talk page. I was expecting to read an article on the talented actor, voice artist, and murder victim that was Phil Hartman. Instead it appears to be about a Phil Hartman curse. So technically the page should be called, "The Phil Hartman Curse". Now, that could be a clever idea with several different twists and nods towards him and his friends (I'm fucked if I can think of any though). But for some reason, you keep straying around it. You might not even be wanting to write about the Phil Hartman curse, and I'm wrong. But then that makes me wonder for the 3rd time what the hell your article is about. Do you even know? I know I'm sounding a bit harsh, but you seriously need to know what your concept is before you write about anything. Believe me. That's why I got a D on my sociology coursework. The concept shows promise, but you need to fulfill it. For an article about Phil Hartman, his name is barely even mentioned.

Humour

How funny is it? Why is it funny? How can it be funnier? 3.5

The ideas are there, but because of your hasty writing style, it's not coming off at all. Fix up your tone. Take time to build your jokes. As is the way with anything in society, the more subtle you go about something random, the better it is recieved. Don't be afraid of a rogue punchline, now and then, though. Just not 10 rogue punchlines in a row. They hurt. More than Mike Tyson biting your ear off.

Images

How are the images? Are they relevant, with good quality and formatting? 0

A 1 would be highly generous, seeing as there aren't any. I'll start you off. You've got at least three names in this article. Find some pictures related to these people, preferably relevant... and funny.

Miscellaneous

The article's overall quality - that indefinable something. 3.5

Just to make a nice round number.

Final score

Prose 4	Concept 4	Humour 3.5	Images 0	Misc 3.5	Final Score 15

Summary

An overall summation of the article.

I don't know if you're finished with it because of the construction template, or you're just fending off deletion, but it needs some serious work if its going to survive VFD, never mind becoming a great article. But who knows, with a little work, you could pull it off. Sorry if I seemed harsh, but its all constructive.

This was a PEE review by --Matfen 02:35, December 18, 2009 (UTC)