Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/My First Pubic Hair (No. 2)
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My First Pubic Hair [edit source]
A person reviewed this, but they were extremely uninformative, so I'm putting it back up. In-depth, please. And remember, I'm only 11. --LongLiverh3 21:38, 27 May 2009 (UTC) 21:36, 27 May 2009 (UTC)
Sorry, I wasn't logged in when I put this up. --LongLiverh3 21:49, 27 May 2009 (UTC)
Hi! --LongLiverh3 22:26, 28 May 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 6 | Alright, you have some very good jokes. Basicaly I think you have a great idea and your aiming for it pretty well. The humour is writen in the style of the person of topic, but it's debatable as a reader whether or not it was just the author's style or it was intentionally done. Whatever the case, I like it. There are some issues with the flow of the article, however. Use some transition words like, 'As well' or 'However'. Other than the first paragraph, I think this could help out in some places. The tenses were alright, and well done. Your jokes in some places though, are trying to be funny. And that is the least funny part of the article. Randomness, such as the puple pubic hair, are hilarious if done correctly. Like, I said, make the article flow better throughout Steve's day. Instead of making me laugh, it makes me go WTF was that? So I suggest tweaking the random humour. As well, the conclusion is crying for help. You really need to expand it. It dosn't matter how long something is as long as it's cleverly written. The conclusion leaves the reader feeling empty, confused, and thinking to themselves 'is that it?' Kinda like your mom last night. Moreover, the introduction could be expanded. You have a good start with a specific topic. Use it, and go on with it. Say more about the stereotypical 14 year old nerd. It's a funny subject, just expand it. Just remember to keep on track about his first pubic hair, and aim for the informative story I know can come from this. |
| Concept: | 7 | The concept is very clear and straight forward. Steve and his first pube. Just remember to stay on topic about this, and not on about his school day as much. Remember, the reader is there for the pubes. I think you have a very funny concept going here though. Anyone who has seen a movie or read a book about a nerdy teenager can instantly relate to this. The dialogue between Steve and his friends is good, but add more teenager vocabulary. If you don't know a lot about this, try www.urbandictionary.com it should help. One more thing, the joke about gerrycheevers and tagsit being your friends isn't funny to anyone outside the uncyclopedian community. Change that up for sure. |
| Prose and formatting: | 8 | Well done grammer, only a few errors. Like, one or two things I saw with spelling. Watch out for comma splices and run on sentances (unless that is the joke). I suggest just going over it again looking for revisions. Copy the article and put it into Microsoft Word or something like that. It should help with spelling and such. Other than that, I don't think your exactly aiming for correct literary style so just make the simple adjustments. |
| Images: | 3.5 | Definetly the worst part of the article. Images are good for witty one liners. Your images are random and don't add much to the article. The one of the bus driver gave me a little bit of a chuckle, but everything else was random and just filler. First thing, change the location of some of your images. They're all along the right side in generic fashion. It looks ugly, put some along the left side to spice things up, keeping it fresh. Change the size of your images too. They're all the same size. It dosn't look right, so try to keep it interesting and shift the sizes around where needed. The image of the dad adds nothing to the article. I suggest putting maybe a strict looking man, or a man who looks really into sports, and using the caption for the punch line instead of the image itself all the time. You also need at least one image relating to the pubic hair itself. Maybe get something purple. How you go about this is up to you but I think it would definetly add to the article. For any help with formating this stuff, I recomend this link. |
| Miscellaneous: | 6.1 | Used Pee Template |
| Final Score: | 30.6 | All in all, I like the direction this article is going in. Good concept, good style and some well writen humour. Expand it though. Like, I said, it dosn't matter how big an article is as long as it's cleverly written. The intro and conclusion need work, especially the conclusion though. I want to know how the pubic hair comes between Steve and Krystina. I want to know how Steve's parents and friends are effected by his purple pubic hair. And lest we forget, the images. Make the proper changes I said above. Location location location. Put some images along the left side. Change the size of them as well. The article has potential, and a good idea, but it needs a lot of work. If you get really stumped, ask another user for help or suggestions. |
| Reviewer: | If you thought my comments were useful, my name is -- fuentfue My Talk : My Awards 04:21, 29 May 2009 (UTC) if you thought they sucked, my name is User:Zana Dark
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