Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Mousehunt
Mousehunt[edit source]
This article is about the Facebook game MouseHunt. A lot of the humour will not make sense unless you actually have been playing the game for a while. Evil Jim123 15:01, August 29, 2010 (UTC)
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This Falcon will no hesitate to peck out your eyes if you review this article. That is probably because PeregrineFalcon999 has booked it. You have been warned. |
I'm half way through the review, and I will finish it tomorrow. For now, it is booked. --
10:26, August 30, 2010 (UTC)
| Humour: | 5 | I have never played this game before, in all that time I used to send on FaceBook (which is a lot of time). I was then addicted to Farmville, but let's not go into that! I have just gone back onto my FaceBook account and started playing Mousehunt so I can give a better review of this - and I see that you have a good concept to work on here. It's quite wacky really. Medieval times, and have to catch a variety of mice, including Pirate mice, Bionic mice... and you catch them by blowing a horn? This is one strange game! Let’s see how you use this concept…
The big humor comments I have made are in the concept section. Usually in this section I would go through each part of your article and give some comments. However, considering the length of the article and the nature of the comments that I will make in the Concept section, I won’t. There are a few humor wise things I will touch on here, though. First, I think you could do better with your current quotes. A well-written quote can be a real gem, but quotes have been done to death here in Uncyclopedia. So I recommend if you place that many quotes at the start of your article, you’ve got to make them good. That said, you’ve got a good concept to work on some quotes. Your introduction also needs a bit of work. The main problem is that you’ve only half done what introduction should – introduce the subject. Check out the Wikipedia article on Mousehunt, and see what they say there. You don’t have to make your introduction any longer, just say the kind of things that a Wikipedia article may say (but in a funny way, of course). Another place where you need a bit of improvement is your ‘History’ section. You need to go a bit more into how it was made, who made it, how long it took, when it got onto FaceBook, etc… Once again I recommend you to check out the Wikipedia article on this subject. I also don’t quite understand these ‘Larry Sez’ things. Who exactly is this Crazy Larry? I’m not sure if this is an-joke or not, but if it is, you must remember that in-jokes are not usually funny. Maybe you could attach this stuff to the actual paragraphs – or at least explain who this guy is and why he is saying this stuff. |
| Concept: | 5 | I feel that you haven't used this concept quite to it's potential. I want to give you a brief rundown on your article. It's an introduction, followed by a paragraph on EVERY SINGLE PLACE in the game. And nothing else. This makes for a long and bit dreary article. I don't mind you writing about the places, but not like you have done. You could call this article 'Complete list of all places in Mousehunt' and it would work perfectly.
My advice? You don't have to talk about every tiny place in the game. Probably just the main places would be find, when you go to the main map. What are they again? Meadow, windmill, some big castle/city, port and mountain. Just them would be fine. Then you need to tell us about everything else about the game! Check out the Wikipedia article on Mousehunt, and see what they say there. Detail all the different kinds of mice - considering how weird they are, you could definitely get some humor out of that. You mentioned that the humor will not make sense if you haven't been playing the game for a while. That's the next problem with your article; it wouldn't be as funny to someone who hasn't played the game. When you write it, try to imagine that your reader has never even heard of Mousehunt. If you think about that when you write it, it may help with this problem. Once you've done these things to your article - cut it down a bit, then expand on different concepts, and then try to rewrite it so someone who has never played it before can get a laugh out of it - you still need some basic improvement on the humor. Because, the humor is rather average here, and all the same sort of stuff. You've made up completely far-out facts about the different places. Now this can be funny in small doses, but what you have done here is the same thing over and over again. You need a bit of variation. What you need to do is add some more different types of humor into your article. For one, think of all the completely stupid things in the game. I mean, what is up with all the different mice? Why the on earth are there so many? Play on the weaknesses in the game to make funny stuff. If you mix in different styles of humor, not only will it put up its LOL factor, but also make it more readable. So you've got some good humor in here. In many places a joke that could get a chuckle, in others the starting point for a joke that could be expanded on. But the humor here is mixed in and disguised because of the things above. If you sort them out, not only will you be able to add more humor, but the humor you are aiming for with your current jokes will ‘ring out’ more, so to say. |
| Prose and formatting: | 4 | Your prose is not particularly special. You keep the same style through the majority of the article, but that’s the best thing I can really say here. The biggest reason the score is low is because of your article’s looks. In other words, the formatting isn’t that great.
The problems? Here they are… Your article is very, very long. One huge block of writing. And there aren’t enough pictures, which add to this problem. I’ve already told you that you should cut down the article a bit, so you will probably want to do that, and also add some more pictures. There are also way many sentences that are huge links. One or two can be good, but heaps and heaps looks really bad. Different colored paragraphs? If you had every paragraph a different color for a specific reason this would be ok, but you’ve got three paragraphs in the middle of the article that just look out of place. They may give a bit of variety but don’t look that great. That huge contents leave a big, blank space. Not good. Add {{TOCleft}}to fix this. |
| Images: | 2 | Your first problem here is that you have three images. Three. As I have already said, considering the length of your article, you may need more than three. A lot more. So get more! You could definitely get some of the different mouse species, the game screen, the map of the world you are in… etc.
Your images are also not particularly funny. It’s not going to be easy to find a really funny picture, so you’re going to have to write some good captions. And the problem with your captions? For one, they’re not overly funny. I feel what you’re aiming for in your captions but you haven’t quite hit it. The other problem is they don’t actually explain what is in the picture. Because they are rather strange pictures, this confuses the reader and the whole image is practically a dud. |
| Miscellaneous: | 5 | My overall grade of your article. |
| Final Score: | 21 | Phew! That was a long review! (Although, it kind of suits the fact that your article is even longer). Because of that, I don’t want to reiterate too much here. But here are the main points, in order.
Finally, as you will have added much more content and completely changed your article, I recommend you submit it for one last review, to really put the article into its prime. If you follow all these steps, this will turn into a high quality article. I hope I have helped! |
| Reviewer: | 06:44, August 31, 2010 (UTC)
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