Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/James Blunt
James Blunt[edit source]
Christwithak 19:09, 5 August 2009 (UTC)
Yeah, I've got this one.--ChiefjusticeDS 19:11, 5 August 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 2 | Right, you definitely seem to have chosen a direction with your humour and that is absolutely fine, what you do need to sort is the execution. Before you make any more edits you should read HTBFANJS and get to grips with your humour. I will give you the main points that I saw as I read. You need to sort the jokes out, people who come to this article want to read a humourous slant on a well known musician, rather than a backstory that has been totally made up. Your jokes all seem to center around either a totally fictional backstory or derived details from his actual life. Since this is an article on a real person, you should try to base things mostly on James Blunt's actual life and satirise from there, this would be far more amusing. For instance saying "James Blunt was born at an army hospital in England, and things went rapidly downhill from there" is infinitely better than saying "James Blunt was born in a laboratory where scientists pushed needles up his arse and allowed him to rape children". You need to go back to your article and sort this problem out.
Secondly, the profanity, relating everything back to child molesting and gay sex isn't good writing and I'm confident that you can do far better. You demonstrate that you have some comedic ability in the article, so you need to grasp that profanity can kill amusement very quickly, especially if it is gratuitous without a real reason. Finally you need to figure out your satire. Yes, it is fine to take your article in a direction that suggests James Blunt's music is bad, you shouldn't go out of your way to prove this to the reader. Be subtle rather than completely overt. Have a look at some of the best Uncyclopedia has to offer, copy their style's and study how they get a point across. Also, reconsider the quotes, consider what they represent, often a reader will gauge your article by them, my advice is to cut the number of them and then use HTBFANJS to make them better. I do see how the article is supposed to be a parody of the Wikipedia article, but you have, in my opinion, gone too far in the other direction with it. |
| Concept: | 3 | Your concept is fine, and writing an article on a well known musician is OK. What needs changing here is the tone of your article. The article needs to be written consistently, you seem to be trying for an encyclopedic style, if so you need to sort a few things. Firstly you need to get rid of curse words and humour that is just plain disturbing, the article should directly parody the Wikipedia one. You should also, as I said above, be far more subtle with your humour, the article is currently so in-your-face that it is difficult to find it amusing. This tone requires that you, carefully, parody wikipedia by using their style and humour that makes it seem as though you are writing in their style. You should also ditch the crossing out, it is OK to have this a few times throughout the article, but not as a cornerstone of the article, it just backs up the nonsense and looks untidy. |
| Prose and formatting: | 4 | Your spelling and grammar is alright, you should be careful that you don't make mistakes with it. There are some errors and my recommendation is that you go back and proofread your article carefully. If you think the job would be better done by someone else then just place this template: {{Proofread}} on the page and help will soon be at hand. Your formatting is reasonable though the article looks untidy because of all the crossing out and the large blocks of prose that could do with breaking up. Your images are also pretty inconsistent, there are lots but they just seem to be thrown around unevenly, spread them out and focus on the presentation. You have quite a lot of images right now, would deleting a couple help your article? The info box is a good idea and you could put an image inside it to make it better and to compliment the start of the article. |
| Images: | 3 | You have several really good images of Blunt (Clue: they are the ones with him actually in them), the rest of the images feel unnecessary and the best thing you can do to them would be to delete them. These images, because of what they depict and because they aren't funny in the slightest lose you the points here, your article will be infinitely better without them. You should also take a look at your captions, ideally at the same time as you take a look at your humour, and amend the jokes in them. Remember, captions can make or break an image (if they compliment a bad joke it is often the latter) so you should make them compliment your writing and illustrate a section in an amusing way. |
| Miscellaneous: | 3 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 15 | I see an awful lot of potential in this one, with hard work you could turn this one round. Don't be put off by the negativity of the review, instead try and use it to your advantage, read HTBFANJS and look at the featured articles, ask yourself what are they saying/doing that I'm not? Be harsh with your work, I know it takes a long time, but if you really want the article to succeed then you should be able to do it. I am on hand if you need any help or would like my view on anything. I am always happy to help an editor who wants to improve their work as much as possible. Just drop by my talk page and let me know, I also appreciate comments, views and opinions on my reviews so feel free to let me know what you thought. Good luck making any changes. |
| Reviewer: | --ChiefjusticeDS 08:09, 6 August 2009 (UTC) | |