Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Injury
Injury[edit source]
When you piss on my article please aim properly!
Acrolo 09:11, 22 May 2009 (UTC)
| Humour: | 2.5 | Hey, Acrolo, Saber again. I see you've written another article. Well, there are quite a few problems here. The main problem with your jokes is that, past the introduction, you don't really talk about injuries. Platypus? Hello Kitty? Oprah? I can understand you're trying to make them sound injurt related, but it just looks incoherent at the moment. When you're writing an article, you need to make sure you stay on topic- just inserting random people and things doesn't make your article funny, it makes it painful to read. Your article falls in line with several cliches. Emo bashing is no longer funny, so that kind of drags down your first paragraph. There are also several things in there that sound completely ridiculous- "Leaping Lesbian Lizards"? I'd recommend you rewrite this article to make sure you stick with one concept- make sure you're talking about injuries, and not just random stuff that pops into your head. |
| Concept: | 3 | Are injuries a good thing to write about? I suppose; it's more or less original. The problem is, you don't really have a concept at all. Like I said in the above section, your "concept", so to speak, is to throw in random people and make them sound like they could cause an injury. If you're going to write an article, you can't drag other concepts and ideas into it- for example, if I made an article about Apples that focused on Chuck Norris eating them, that's not funny- we want to know about the Apple, not everyone that's eating it. I recommend you replace your random celebrities and characters with more things injury related- for example, replace Platypus and Mosquitos with Fire and Gunshot wounds, or things that sound more like there subject. Even better, you could write this in the style of someone who just got injured, and they were ranting pointlessly about it. That would require a complete overhaul of your article, though, so it might be easier just to stick with the first option. |
| Prose and formatting: | 1.5 | Like the template says at the bottom of your article, this article is- sorry if this is a bit harsh- hideous. Your introduction immeadeatly gave me bad vibes about the rest of the article- i'd recommend you get rid of it. We tend to avoid using quotes these days, and repeating two warning signs just looks kind of ugly. Your image near the beginning is also much too large; i'd recommend getting rid of that as well. Seeing as how there some major problems here, i'd going to dissect this so you can pinpoint each problem.
What is an injury?: Long paragrpahs always look better with an image beside them. It's easier to read, and makes your article nicer. I'd recommend a small image to the right- say, a picture of a guy getting hurt and acting like a baby about it. Weight loss, Mosquitoes, and Breathing: Three short sections with one large image- it doesn't look very good. I'd recommend merging these 3 sections together, and then reducing the size of your image to the right. Everything between Hello Kitty and Leaping Lesbian Lizards: Having 5 sections with only 4 or 5 words is normally just an excuse to make your article longer. I'd recommend just completely getting rid of these sections, as they're really just random, pointless cruft. Injury is not caused by: More randomness. Again, this stuff is completely unrelated to injuries, so i'd recommend getting rid of this section as well- remember, the article is about getting injured, not who can't injure you. Methods for Healing injuries: A general rule at Uncyclopedia is that lists are never funny. I think you could seriously alter this section, as healing injuries might be relevant. Get rid of that image, and take the ideas in your list and put them into several paragraphs. |
| Images: | 2 | They're pretty much random images to tie together with random paragraphs- like I said, not very funny. However, if you plan on steamrolling this, there are several ways to go with this one. You could use a picture of a guy on fire (maybe you could steal the one from this article), of someone jumping of a building, or a picture of someone getting shot- really, there are plenty of ways to go with this, but you have to make sure you stay on topic. |
| Miscellaneous: | 2 | My overall grade of the article. |
| Final Score: | 11 | I can see that you're genuinely trying- that's good. However, I think you make a lot of newbie mistakes. Two very helpful guides you could read are HTBFANJS and BGBU- they'll give you a good idea of what kind of things we find funny. The best, overall line of advice I can give you for this is, to quote HTBFANJS, the truth is funnier than nonsense. Saying the exact opposite of reality is almost never funny, so you need to work to come up with a single concept, and develop it from there. To repeat what I said throughout my review, write your article so that everything in there has something to do with injuries. This might take a while, but your end result could be excellent.
Bottom Line: You drift off into randomness; make sure you stay focused, and think about what you're writing before you press that save button. Good luck! =) |
| Reviewer: | Saberwolf116 20:36, 27 May 2009 (UTC) | |